big bear lodge - sad day for kellyanne

dream from this morning:

the band is recording at Slayer's giant log cabin complex deep in the woods somewhere in northern Canada. they tell us each wing of the complex has bears that live in and around it. on the first night, we are all crashed out on the floor and i wake up and think i see a bear, but it turns out to be a black cat. a few minutes later i see a baby bear and it's heading straight for us. then i see what appears to be an 8 foot tall black bear. it lumbers through a doorway and walks over to me and starts to hover over me. i yell something hilarious (but inappropriate) and everyone starts laughing, even the bear. it turns out that stephen colbert is inside.

finally, my wife and i are preparing for a wedding renewal ceremony at the lodge. tons of family and friends and celebrities show up. before the big dinner, kellyanne conway stops me in a hallway and asks me why i won't work for trump. she says she tells him every day how smart and talented i am. i tell her it won't happen. i let her know i have dreams where i stab him through the heart.

a piercing, repeated bird scream pulls me into the real world. the end.

parking infraction - baby parakeets

dream:

my wife and i were handcuffed together for a parking infraction. apparently someone got upset with the judge so we had to be tossed in the jail together. we were getting out of the jail but had to go back in front of the judge to get the handcuffs removed. there was much consternation during the walk to the courthouse.

later we are at home, but it's a different home, a small cottage deep in the woods somewhere. i look inside the parakeet cage and see tiny, fully formed babies at the bottom. i'm trying to ask my wife if she bought a new parakeet and stuck it in the cage without telling me. the babies are all the size of a thumbnail. she admits she saw this cute bird at the store and brought it home. i can't believe how cute they are and it occurs to me that it's probably a dream.

i wake up in some big bed with white sheets and am sad there are no baby parakeets. i go back into the living room and there are the baby parakeets! on the bottom of the cage are several large eggs in various pastel colors. the parakeets are also pastel colors, baby blue and yellow and purple. they have great big eyes and heads compared to their tiny bodies. they are so small one of them gets through the bars of the cage. it's the purple one. he's flitting around and i can't catch him. he flies from one side of the room to the kitchen and back. i almost get him a couple times. she tells me not to worry about him and let him fly around.

then i woke up (for real)

skipped classes - stuck truck - senior administration official

dream this morning:

it occurs to me that it's the end of the semester and i skipped every single class. my english teacher likes me and thinks i'm funny so he will pass me. my math teacher barely remembers me. i told him i should just fail and take the class again but he has a better idea. if i sign this waiver and give him my 'parting gift' from the school (of which i know nothing) then he will pass me with a C. oh yeah, i also have to take this little baby. so i'm sitting at a Dennys holding this baby and people are asking so many questions. "i just don't know," i say.

flash forward, we are on tour. we have to get back up north from our run down south. heading to ohio or washington dc maybe, i can't remember. we are in a small white pickup truck. oddly, we have zero gear or luggage. the traffic up ahead begins to slow on this two lane highway. there is a body of water on the right side and a dense row of trees on the left. as we drive we see massive rectangular holes in our lane, about 20 feet deep. the highway has washed out in huge sections and the work crews are trying to repair them. i look down and can see other cars at the bottom of these holes. we are all craning our necks to see what's going on. suddenly the back tire slides off the road and the entire truck flips over. we roll down into the earth.

the work crews come make sure we are ok and direct us to a fancy hotel. it's going to be a while to get our truck out. "we have a show!" yeah, buddy, sure you do.

eventually we are at the hotel bar and i find out trump and his entourage is there. secret service lets him know that i am there and they send someone to talk to me. basically, as he knows all his critics (he keeps a book) he knows me AND hates my guts. BUT if i stop bashing him online they will offer me $400,000 and a senior level administration position. "offer accepted."

at first i thought they said my job title was "administrative director" or something, but i can't recall exactly. i'm asking and no one is telling me. "just sign the forms" they say. finally i find a phone and my name is on one of the speed dial buttons, but instead of a title, it just says STEVE JANIAK - $$$. an older lady from the administration comes in. i don't recognize her. she grills me about doing what's right for the country and then tells me it's my job to approve purchases for general stuff. i have no idea what that means. eventually she warns me about messing up and leaves.

now it's getting late and we still don't have our truck. thinking we can still make the show if we play really late, i walk out to find the workers. there are none anywhere near where our truck is stuck. i walk to the opposite side of the hotel and there are two workers finishing up. they have a funny car or drag racer looking thing held up on a crane. there is a guy inside it. i can hear one of the workers as i approach. "you shoulda seen your face after the wreck, bud. it was swoled up like a tomater!" "yeah" the guy says back. i can see the funny car was actually towing a trailer. but it was the shape of a cross. there's a guy strapped to that cross. i can't tell if he's alive but he's all black and blue with bruises. the workers finish moving this vehicle and start to leave.

"hey! my truck is in a hole down the road. we need to get it out and get to our show." "sorry, we're done here. there are other guys down there" "no, they all left, we need help" "can't. going home."

at this point i let them know that president trump is coming and he's going to raise some hell. they look at each other and laugh. right at that moment, the presidential limo pulls up. trump rolls down his window and points at them. they start freaking out.

 then i woke up.

when the staff goes ‘hood’, you have to fight back ‘hood’

Dream from this morning:

I was working in food service at some DC area restaurant. Not sure what my job was exactly, but I had to wear a white chefs outfit. There was an Asian woman who called out orders and her accent was so thick I would correct her mispronunciations. On this day she was fed up and told the boss. An angry woman came by and told me “2nd and final verbal warning” followed by a stern look. I said something about having a sense of humor but that was met with another dirty look. 

Next we are at a big meeting. In the middle of a pep talk, one of the chefs starts berating me. He tells me I should just “Shut up. shut up forever” which gets big laughs from the group.

In the last part of the dream, Trump turns up and allegedly owns the restaurant. He heard I might have been talking critically of him. I order my usual steak for lunch. Trump comes over and tells me I need to eat my lunch with “Valerie Jarrett” and play a game of poker with her afterwards. I sneak off and eat my lunch privately. When I came through the main dining area Valerie Jarrett was there at a table and had finished eating. I started talking to a colleague as Trump walks up. He speaks to Valerie briefly and I exit the room. I go out back behind the building. There is a field of grass with a rusty old car on the far side. Trump is already out there, with his hair blowing all crazy in the wind. It looked like a giant flame that was burning sideways.

I tried to pretend I didn’t see him and started searching for aluminum cans on the ground. He said “I knew you wouldn’t do it” without looking at me. I asked him why he was “such a dick.” He said he had to be tough to make the country tough. Then he said “sometimes, when the staff goes ‘hood’, you have to fight back ‘hood’.”

then I woke up

refrigerator ufo - out of state show - unshaven dane cook - wet burrito lookin thing

dream from this morning:

we're playing a one-off show out of state. i am flying there in a ufo shaped like a massive refrigerator. inside the ufo are stainless steel shape shifting walls and flat screen tvs. there are a bunch of rooms inside, like a house, which makes me believe it utilizes extra dimensions.

eventually we are at the show. it's in a large, wood paneled barn with a stage at one end and chairs, tables and a snack bar at the other end. the crowd is light. bob fouts is running sound. there are 4 bands playing before us. one of them might have been cootie brown. it was my idea for each band to have someone from another band sit in for a song, but everyone acts like they had no idea. it gets to be after 6pm and the lady who owns the venue says they need to take a break for everyone to eat dinner. we need to start playing at 8 and be done by 9. great. by the time we get onstage, it's already after 8pm, i try to tell the guys to hurry up. unfortunately we don't have a set list. chad suggests we play songs i don't even remember. i realize i can't remember any songs at the moment. onstage arguments ensue. looking really professional. before we play a note, i black out.

now the show is over and i'm in a large parking lot. i'm trying to argue with some of the guys that the show wasn't real, because the dates were wrong. "i don't think it even happened." they are not amused and i can tell it didn't go well. i walk over to the rental place. i'm asking about my refrigerator ufo but the guy says they have no such thing. after trying to convince him for a while i debate renting a car and threaten to walk the entire way home.

a guy from back in the day who looks like an unshaven dane cook shows up. he asks if i hit the weed shop. i told him i forgot all about it. so we walk across the parking lot and head in. i tell the guy behind the counter that i just want some gummies but unshaven dane cook is showing me all the latest gadgets and options. he shows me some cough drop looking stuff with a tiny white pill in the same package. another that you pull out like a small drawer with a trigger that lights a fire on its own. then big pre-wrapped smokes in all shapes and sizes. i buy a random assortment out of peer pressure. we walk back outside and find a crowd of people waiting by a sign. unshaven dane cook pulls out a big fattie and starts smoking it. he hands it to me. it looks like a freshly made wet burrito that is so overstuffed the sausage is rolling out and it's completely coming apart at one end. it gets passed back and forth a few times before someone says "that's not legal here".

i am now in the car with the apostle dudes. i'm still holding the wet burrito and telling them i don't think the show even happened. i ask them how bad it was. corey takes a hit and says, holding most of his breath in "it's not the worst steve janiak performance i've seen". everyone laughs.

i suddenly remember my wife drove to the show. i call her and ask why she didn't wait for me. "i got hungry" she says. she's telling me she's at a local dennys. i ask the address but the phone starts breaking up. i am pretty sure she is pretending and just blowing into the phone.

at some point later i am in a home for people struggling with some kind of mental problems. i am talking to a psychiatrist and laying out how i messed up as a kid and ran away from home. it's all very emotional and i feel like i'm getting some things off my chest. a door buzzes at the back of the building and a bunch of troubled youth come through the door and down the hall followed by two women. one of the kids swipes my cd off the table as he passes by. i just happen to see this out of the corner of my eye. i push my way through the kids and scream "little fucker!" or something as i yank the cd out of his hand. one of the ladies immediately points to the door and yells "YOU'RE OUT OF HERE". i grab my backpack and tell her off in colorful language. she goes on to put me on blast and tell me what a joke i am, that i "pay through the nose" for all these services and get nowhere. everyone laughs.

i walk into another room and completely lose my shit. i am yelling about never having been talked to that way before. i'm screaming at the top of my lungs, slowly and emphatically, and snot is flying out of my nose. a woman walks in to try to calm me down. then kellyanne conway comes in right behind her with some kleenex. suddenly i wake up.


the end?

hijacked & kidnapped in europe

dream:

i was on a group tour going through europe. some of the same people from our africa trip were on the bus. there were lots of laughs and good times. we drove over some incredibly high mountain range and it acted like a roller coaster.

at the next big city, it seemed like we took a wrong turn. we came to the end of a darkened street, and as we were about to turn left, a large man with a machine gun demanded we get out of the vehicle. they took our phones and wallets and put us all in a living room of a nearby house with some woman to keep an eye on us. we could see them going through our stuff out the window. i tried come up with some plan to get us out of this situation but came up empty. i even argued with the woman and struck her across the face. she said they were going to torture and kill me when they found out.

she went outside to get someone, so i ran to a door in the house and opened it. it was a bathroom. i tried to find a place to hide, but they were going to find me. there was another door on the opposite side of the bathroom and it went to a hallway connecting other apartments or living areas. i found a locked door and kicked it in. there was a girl in this room, maybe 11 years old. she started to scream so i put her in a headlock until she passed out. i grabbed her phone and texted my wife. (who was somehow at work and not on the trip).

TEXT: hey, it's me, steve! we are kidnapped and these men have our stuff. pls use this GPS information and contact the police!

i hid for a while as my heart raced (in real life) and finally heard sirens. the men were arguing over who was taking what when the police finally arrived. i ran out and found my backpack among the loot, they hadn't found my ipad or laptop. i couldn't believe it. there was more to it but i can't remember.

then i woke up

corpses in my basement, jackpot spin, arcade store

dreams from this morning: 

I was somehow involved in the accidental death of a friend. I hid the corpse in my basement so I didn’t get into trouble. Someone else found out and had a similar situation so they used that leverage to pressure me into putting that corpse in my basement also. Eventually it happened again and again and there were five corpses in my basement. I was riddled with anxiety over what to do about them all, either chop them up and dissolve them (and risk getting caught) or turn myself in. Eventually I turned myself in and knew I would do time, and all the co-conspirators would be arrested.

Later in another sequence I was at a casino / arcade with Mike Naish. I sat down at a slot machine and put in my last $50. Mike sat down next to me and to be funny started hammering the spin button over and over. I started to flip out and curse until, on the third spin, we hit for $50,000. 

Then in the next dream I won a bunch of credits in the arcade, and was shopping using the credits, buying unique collectibles and vintage books, until I woke up halfway through and realized I was dreaming and couldn’t actually take it all home.

insurance fraud dream

dream:

i had a dream this morning that i was trying to execute some sort of insurance fraud. it required me to get stabbed in the stomach / intestines area by a friend. the first time we tried it, the knife didn't go deep enough and the hospital just sent me home. the second time, the knife went way too far and i showed up at the hospital a few hours later, my shirt and pants soaked in blood. except now i was actually worried about bleeding out. the hospital started asking questions and i basically implicated myself. they left me in the ER to think about what i had done and i was freaking out.

then i woke up.

secretary of the interior

dream:

i was working in the government. someone got demoted and then i was promoted to the head of some major agency under the trump administration. i think i was "secretary of the interior" but i can't quite remember. i had a reputation for being an outspoken trump critic so naturally he was pissed and planned to slag me in the press. obama came by to congratulate me and give me advice. he didn't seem to have a security detail. as we were talking he moved next to a wall near a large pile of knives and swords on a wooden pallet. i told him it wasn't safe here and asked where the secret service was. he let me know he was testing them.

at some point we were all in a large conference room. hope hicks was eyeing me like i was the enemy, but i think she was into my beard.

i know there was a lot more to this dream but i can't remember the rest. i do remember saying i would 'do what's right for my country'.

plane crash

dream:

i was in a plane flying over the ocean. the sky was sunny and clear. some curly blonde headed dude was looking nervous and pacing near the back of the plane. i got suspicious and went back towards the rear bathrooms. the guy was mumbling to himself and went around a corner. i peeked around and he was gone. i could see a small vent cover had been removed and he had crawled inside it. i ran to tell the flight attendants but the guy had already tripped a security alert. they started yelling and telling everyone to buckle up, but i never made it back to my seat. the plane exploded and was ripped in half. i think i blacked out. when i came to the plane was upside down and there was insane wind and blue sky everywhere. i knew we were falling but i had slipped out of the plane and ended up above it. i could see clear blue water below, coming fast. there was a huge splash into the water and i slipped in myself, like a torpedo. i was able to swim up and catch my breath. there was luggage and debris floating everywhere, chunks of the fuselage. it seemed like there were already people doing a rescue. i was swimming and confused but i finally woke up.

kidnapped to england - moonies

dream:

had a dream this morning that i was somehow kidnapped by a british guy who looked like daniel craig. he took me to what i thought was england for some sort of personality re-adjustment camp. i was basically a prisoner, learning how to be proper and english. i couldn't tell what i had done to deserve being imprisoned. there were classes i had to sit through and i had to apply for some prison job. we wore striped prison jumpsuits. near the end of the dream i was told it wasn't england but actually another planet and i was invited to live there but had to go through the training.

there was another part of the dream where these small creatures were everywhere, called Moonies (i think) but i can't remember anything else of that part of the dream, or what they looked like.

worst party ever that ends in a tornado

dream from this morning:

i was younger, probably 22 years old. the band (not sure which) played a show somewhere and we met some fans. one girl invited our band and IKILLYA to play at her party.

the party was literally in the middle of nowhere. we have several vehicles, and i think we brought all our parents also. IKILLYA shows up with a massive trailer full of gear. when we walk in the party has already started. it's sunny outside but this girl's entire family is having a cookout on their back screened-in porch. it's dark wood paneled with many tables and chairs. she says "this is it" when i ask what time the party starts. trying to make the best of it, i am directed to get a beer and tell everyone to grab a plate. except there is no beer. at first i can't find it. one of the cousins snarkily tells me i'm looking in the wrong place, it's in the other cooler. i check that cooler and it's empty. party fail.

at this point i become aware that i'm getting dirty looks from this girl's husband. he's not happy she asked two bands to play and thinks i'm trying to pick up his lady. through the porch screen something out back catches my eye. the IKILLYA trailer is stuck in a big hole in the grass. a bunch of dudes all standing around suggesting how to get it out.

it starts to rain, not too bad at first. everyone scurries into the house. then it starts coming down in buckets. i hide in some bedroom just off the back door. there's a couch next to the window and i hunker down. the rain gets unbelievably worse, then i realize it's a tornado. everything gets super loud, like a train running overhead. the windows shatter and i'm blinded by white light. then it's over. i need to get everyone out of this party, i think.

then i woke up.

70s sedan - wedding - old casino - manifesting - stadium on the ocean

dream this morning:

i'm driving a giant 1970s sedan. we're going uphill and the hill becomes steeper and steeper. eventually the road levels out but i'm going too fast and am flying straight up through the air. they tell me not to panic tho. "think of it like a video game" they say.

next we are driving to a small brown house for a wedding. it's sunny out and the grass is green, but the lawn is covered in front and back with junk. there are a lot of people out back waiting for the wedding. i can't remember who was getting married or what happened. i don't remember getting out of the car.

at some point we are in an old casino, possibly back in time. the clientele are wearing 1920s style attire and playing a game that is half blackjack and half dice. my wife and i decide to play and sit down. we're waiting for the dealer and trying to grasp the game when i realize someone has stolen my shoes and i'm barefoot. there is some dispute with the people at the table next to us. i can't remember any details here except we end up with a small chest of coins worth a ton of money. we give some of the money to the people next to us and pocket the rest.

i'm not sure what happens between, but now we are in a castle. as we reach a room in the top of a tower, all the stones separate and fly off in opposite directions. at first i am alarmed but a small boy tells me he is learning to manifest. he goes on to say he's teaching me to manifest as well, and i recreate the movements of the stones.

eventually i see scott from lo-pan. he informs me that it's time to go to the stadium for some event. we are next to an ocean on a raised walkway. i realize the stadium is built on the ocean itself. we walk down the crowded walkway for a long time. finally we are at the top of the stadium. he says it's the biggest one ever built. it seems to go on for a mile or more. i see a field at the bottom but i have no idea what the event was.

then i woke up suddenly.

alien clone invasion - president steve janiak

dreams from this morning:

the first dream was diabolical. i was part of some organization that cloned people or possibly made clones to create a police force. it was night time. there was a big factory where everything took place. it was dark blue and metal and constructed in a half moon shape. some of the officers were used as security for the plant. they were seen doing patrols inside and outside the perimeter. one female officer i knew well. when i stopped to talk to her she acted strange. then she attacked me. i figured out quickly that it was an alien virus that had taken over her body. there was a firefight and i think she escaped.

after some searching with some additional officers, a male officer attacked us. now i knew the alien had cloned itself inside another and all were at risk. we finally had to destroy the entire cloning factory because the virus was able to spread and take over officers too fast. there were intense amounts of blood and guts, as well as a giant fire where most of the clones in various stages of completion were burned to death. then a huge gunfight at the end where the two alien clones were obliterated into piles of goo via my machine gun. their bits of flesh were squirming around on the ground trying to reconstitute so i had to torch them as well.

i woke up and went to the bathroom.

after falling back asleep, i was in the white house. apparently i had come in as an aide or graphic designer to whoever took over the presidency after trump and pence were tossed in jail. then i got promoted to chief of staff. suddenly the current president (no idea who it was) died. there was no vice-president and congress still couldn't decide on a speaker of the house so through some legal wrangling i became the president of the united states. i was wandering around in tshirts and jeans asking what i had to wear now, since i didn't have any suits. i had a hard time believing it but then it hit me, I PREDICTED THIS when i was i small child! weird.

lots of people trying to tell me what to do and random women suddenly flirting with me. i knew i had to give a big speech on television soon, to calm the nation. but before that could happen, the white house appeared to have a small backyard and some friends were hanging out when a deer, a cougar and a bear all appeared running through. the deer and cougar got away but now the bear was attacking  people. something had to be done, and i was the president, god dammit. there were consultations in rooms full of too much furniture and i decided we couldn't kill the bear. they were going to stun it and relocate it.

then i woke up.

washer & dryer, owl at the window, hugging critters

dream this morning:

i'm back in my house from college, except the porch railings are the twisty black metal kind. i have put all the birds and cats in the bedroom as we are trying to do upgrades to the house. the cats are agitating the birds. i'm explaining this to my wife over the phone and trying to deal with it when i see what the birds are really looking at. through the window is a giant owl. he's perched on top of a brown washer and dryer combo that, apparently, someone just dumped in my driveway. i end the call and get my phone ready to take a photo. the owl is trying to see the other birds through the window and seems curious. normally in a dream my phone won't take any photos, but this time it works. i zoom in and snap a photo, but the photo seems to have a filter turned on that puts a row of yellow flowers on the owl's head. as i'm trying to turn off the filter, the owl flies around to the front porch.

i run to the front room. i can see the owl through the front window now, taking up most of the frame. he is perched on the black porch railings. before i can snap another picture he flies away. as soon as he does, a squirrel appears on the porch. he climbs up the side railing, and a rabbit joins him. they appear somewhat cartoonlike. they are next to each other on the railing, and then hug and smile as i snap several pics. i can't believe what i'm seeing... or that i was able to get photos to prove it.

i walk a block over to where my wife is to show her the photos. the pic of the owl is there, with flowers on its head, and the other critters hugging. when i pull up the owl pic, it turns out it's a video. you can hear the owl growling a low growl. i explain that someone dumped a washer and dryer in the driveway. how could i let that happen?

we walk back to the house and there is now a trailer in the driveway (next to the washer and dryer) loaded down with building materials and packages. it starts to rain. i see there are boxes with vinyl records and other packages from the mailman so grab them to head inside.

then i woke up.

riding mowers, dirty totes - tree blocking the landin pad

dream this morning:

i rode a riding lawnmower across town to a hardware store. someone had abandoned a chihuahua outside the store so i decided to take it home with me. the parking lot was being blocked off for some sort of event parking but i convinced the hillbilly to let me run in for 5 minutes, as i only needed to pick up some plastic totes.

once in the store, there was a garage area that was dark and full of junk. i passed through that with the dog and after a few minutes found they were out of clean totes, only had dirty, cobweb and mud covered ones. they were discounted so i bought them. as i got back to the garage area, i found another riding lawnmower, this one was all beat up, and it had boxes on it with old comics and other unrelated junk. the price included all these other items so i bought it also.

as i went outside they were arguing over my other mower, which was now a standard pushmower. i came out and diffused the situation, but i needed to figure out how to ride this old, rickety mower covered in boxes, along with my dirty totes and other push mower. as i was trying to discuss this with someone there, i got separated from both mowers somehow. i also knew i was going to be in hot water for bringing a bunch of junk home and a small dog. by now i realized i didn't know where the mowers were and i was starting to stress out when my wife woke me up.

after i fell back asleep, i had a dream that someone built a high rise building across the street from me, with a landing pad for aircraft on the roof. i looked out the window and a huge plane was trying to make a hard incline from about 50 feet from the ground, clipping some tree branches in the process. i called and complained. someone said they were going to have to cut the tree down because it was blocking these aircraft from landing. as i was on the phone a space shuttle did the same maneuver and clipped some branches before landing on the now empty roof pad. the rest of the dream was me fighting for keeping this old, tall tree with the city, who wanted to chop it down.

dosed by duff mckagan - mc hammer humpty dumpty

dream this morning:

i was driving over a huge, elevated interstate. it was dangerously steep. it's night time. i can hear police chatter about drunk drivers on my police radio. i'm not drunk but i'm afraid they'll pull me over. it's taking forever to get over this thing, like hours.

next it's daylight. i stop to visit my friend jason, uninvited. its not his house in real life, but it has lots of small, square windows. there are 30 family members there, including little kids, all giving me a dirty look. his wife is pissed that i showed up. he comes downstairs from taking a shit and says i have to leave.

i'm not sure of the time frame but around this point of the dream i was in some sort of boys school. it's a giant room with no lights or windows or features besides some tables with bench seats. the walls are metal and gray. everyone is wearing gray sweats. a bigger, italian kid with black curly hair starts messing with me. he's the school bully. all the other kids are watching to see what i do. he's pushing my arm, then pushing my back. i hold my ground. he starts feigning a face slap.

"what are you gonna do?" he slaps me, not too hard. i won't retaliate. some elder person comes in the room and it stops for a while. finally when it starts back up, i pull up my shirt and show this bully my herniated abdomen. "take a look" i say. "i'm on medication. if i start bleeding, i'll bleed right out and you'll be charged with murder." at that point he is disappointed and stops harassing me.

now i'm at a party. it's douchey comedian bill bellamy's house. for some reason in this dream he is gay and has a boyfriend named mario trubiano, who is also a famous actor. parts of the house are dilapidated. they are renting out the house as an airbnb and someone rented it for this party. the main living room and kitchen are normal. the living room has white carpet, white walls and white couches with black pillows. there is a white brick fireplace. celebrities are hanging out in the living room. i am standing in the kitchen, which is covered in white tiles. i'm standing behind a island counter, there are drinks everywhere. i'm wearing some sort of burqa type thing that leaves only my eyes exposed.

duff mckagan walks in. he doesn't know who i am but i am pretending we are friends. after a stare-down and asking who i was for 10 minutes, he starts to get annoyed. at first he wants to fight, but then he calms down when i show him my full face. he grabs my left hand and puts a giant tab of acid on it.
 "this should do it"
"uh, i have to drive home, no thanks"
"well this is so potent, it will go right through your skin"
i start to panic a little bit, and immediately i am tripping hard. there goes driving home, i think to myself.

several actresses walk in the room, dressed up in nightclub wear. they are famous but i can't recognize them. they are all pulling small radio flyer wagons filled with big stacks of their tell-all books. looks like they're trying to get rid of these at the party.

i follow duff into another room of the house. it's a big open space with giant, dark blue metal beams holding up a stained glass ceiling. the room is musty and dank. one picture window is completely gone and the wood rotted out around it. there is a loft up to one side, covered in cobblestones, but when i climb up, i can see it was once a music studio. now it's just piled up with junk and old furniture. below this, duff is rummaging around the bar area. there is an old game system, like an atari or intellivision, with a stack of video games in special collector cases, all marked with a comics style grading system. i'm telling duff how GNR changed my entire childhood and how much they ruled, then how much i thought they became a joke later on.

suddenly there is a commotion from up near the glass ceiling. mc hammer is up there near the top of the rafters, wearing a blue and purple striped suit. he is on something and carrying on. i see something flying through the air past my face. "bats!" i point as duff looks and agrees. this bat flies up and then there are about 30 bats all flying up to their nests. mc hammer sees them and loses his balance. he falls about 50 feet and breaks into several pieces. everyone laughs. i run over and pick up the pieces and set them back up like he is a real person before the police arrive. everyone keeps laughing about it. his head rolls back and falls on the floor.

that's all i can remember before i woke up

maybe the longest and dumbest dream ever

dream this morning:

i'm in vegas, but an orlando type of vibe vegas. the first night i am drinking and playing slots and winning. my wife is there, she asks if the winnings are mine. oh yeah they are. the night goes on and things get blurry. the next thing i know, i'm in a rental car. it's daylight. i feel very drunk and tired. i'm sitting in a line of cars waiting to get into a parking garage. everything is painted in a faded lemon color. the parking garage walls, the pavement, the rental car. i'm getting impatient because the guy in front of me has stopped for some reason. i start wondering if i should back out and go around another way. i doze off... finally i come to, but i don't know how long i've been out. i look around and there are no cars behind or in front of me. definitely feeling too drunk to drive. i need to park on the bottom level, but i can't. i end up on the very top level (where the sun beats down) and park and go in through some big glass doors.

once i'm in my room i just want to nap. it's all wood paneling with little white tables and chairs made out of hard plastic. the carpets are also white. there's a small bedroom off the main room. there's a knock at the door, it's some people i don't recognize but who know me. they are music business people. one of them has dark curly hair and looks like a cross between jon favreau and andrew the giant. another is a smaller, thin old man with stark white hair. there's a woman with them but somehow i never see her face. they are here for a music conference. they are surprised that i am surprised that i am playing said music conference. which band? nobody knows? really? why can't i remember? i don't say anything because i'm embarrassed. these new strangers don't leave. they settle in and tell me they're looking at managing the band. ok. they ask if my wife came with me to the music conference. "no, this is the first time she didn't come to vegas for some reason" i said, clearly not aware that she was there the previous night. after some other boring conversation, i tell the strangers i'm going to bed and try to sleep in the other room. except favreau and starkwhite begin having a loud conversation and in no time at all i am up and drunkenly yelling for them to get lost. they begrudgingly leave. i still need to know which band is playing and when, so i find a las vegas type of nuvo magazine and start pouring through the pages, looking for either band's name. i can't find it anywhere, but i did see Mothership listed in an ad.

i go downstairs to what looks vaguely like 'the strip'. i run into jason rich. he wants to go get a beer. i can't though, i've got to figure out wtf i'm doing here and why i don't know what's going on, who's playing and where. while we're talking i see some video screens on the ground, they have advertisements for upcoming events. i see one out of the corner of my eye, it has three photos with the artist name and date. in the middle is a photo of me, wearing a cowboy hat, looking pissed, with STEVE JANIAK across the top. at the bottom is says the venue and date, but it scrolls left too fast before i get a look. SHIT.

at some point i see a what looks like a big plastic kids toy, like a 4 or 5 foot long fisher price school bus. the top part looks like a shopping cart. there are two homeless girls living inside it. i end up climbing in the bottom half and have a conversation with this blonde girl. she's telling me she is semi-famous and works with this international youtube star. his cassette is hanging up on the wall inside this toy bus they live in. i can't remember the name on it exactly, it was like IOTA or IOTA MAN or IO MAN or something. the cassette is bright yellow with black ink. the school bus is also yellow, inside and out. we have a conversation about living our dreams as she wants to be a youtube star. she tells me that IO MAN always tags his videos with her name, but i am skeptical. so she pulls out her smartphone and i sit through a techno video by IOTA MAN. i can't believe that is popular but i tell her it's pretty good. sure enough, at the end there is a logo that pops up, it's white with a blue border that looks like a diagram of an atom. it says IOTA something, and with an asterisk below it says 'sponsored by amber so and so'. she looks really proud of herself and that is super cool, but she lives in a toy school bus under an overpass on the strip. i eventually say i have to go and make an exit.

at this point i am carrying my big klipsch speaker and some other stuff, maybe a backpack and a box of random junk. i see favreau and he is coming to talk to me. a train pulls up as we (jason and i) are close to the tracks. jason says "follow me" and he gets on the train. i pick up all my stuff and get on the train. jason goes up and out through another set of doors. he's off the train. the train starts moving. uh oh. how long is this train and where does it go? i look back through another set of windows to a separate compartment. favreau is looking at me from across the way, somewhat menacingly.

now the inside of the train becomes just like a school bus or a subway car. i throw my shit in the seats. i walk to the front of the bus to get some answers. the driver of the train bus says this bus train goes to the Anheuser-Busch brewery and museum. how long does that take? "no idea" he says. the train bus heads up into the clouds on a monorail track. i can see all of the vegas strip below, but it looks more like a giant theme park. as we get closer to the brewery, which pokes above the clouds like something out of the wizard of oz, the train starts slowing down. i can feel the heat of favreau's prying eyes. the train stops in the middle of a cloud so dense i can't see any ground. the conductor-driver yells details about the stop and the brewery and tours and such. i jump off the train bus. i look down past the rows of cars and see favreau also gets off. as the train starts back up, i jump on at the last second. favreau's eyes go wide as he chases the last car and grabs on.

a few more conversations with the conductor, and i'm convinced he knows absolutely nothing. after more flying through the clouds, we get to a huge complex in the sky and the train bus goes right into the building. the sides of the train bus melt away and we are sitting in bucket seats, attached to a moving rail above. we're in a museum. there is all kinds of wacky stuff on both sides, but we're going too fast to see anything. one part i did notice was a 3D simpsons room. there were characters and scenes being generated via hologram. i could hear homer's voice booming from a speaker as his 15 foot head was beamed from the dark blue floor; "the meaning of life is ... donuts... mmm" but i can't quite remember it exactly. after the simpsons room we went into a shiny mirrored hallway with bright lights. there were hard lefts and hard rights and the bucket seats swung so hard i thought i would fall out.

the next thing i know, i'm in a small, wood paneled room. there are two or three other people in the room, one of which is favreau. on a small brown loveseat is an injured cowboy. i don't know any of the others, nor can i recall seeing their faces. but it becomes apparent to me that we have to eat, since we're trapped. (duh). i pull out a massive knife from a drawer. everyone starts to freak out. "we've got to survive!" i tell them. next, i pull out a giant axe from the drawer and tell the rest in the room to hold down the cowboy, who starts yelling "Nooooo" as i plan to chop off his left foot. favreau is yelling for me to stop, but it's too late. suddenly things seem to get a bit weird as i know in my own mind i only chopped off his big toe, but they all saw me chop off his entire foot. i tell the cowboy "i hope your feet are clean, but we've got to survive" as i toss his foot onto a massive skillet that has been heating up in the background.

i can't remember actually cooking and eating this cowboy's foot but in time we get released and nobody says a word about it. i have to get back on the train bus because i left my speaker and junk behind. plus i still need to figure out wtf i am doing and if i'm playing with a band or as a solo country artist. i start think that i am dead or possibly just dying. we come down from the clouds and back to the strip. i had no money so i had to jump in the back of one of the cars with a flatbed. before security can see me, i hop down to the sidewalk when the train begins to slow. i run up to some lady in a police outfit. "i need to get my stuff! i left my stuff behind!" she scowls and puts up her hand for me to shut up. "you need to wait here, you're getting in everyone's way" so i stand there impatiently as people slowly get off the train and enter the sidewalk. across the way is angry old lady in a wheelchair. she's waiting behind a small railroad crossing gate.

waiting there is about the last thing i remember.

$6 check

dream this morning:

sitting in a booth in a restaurant. donald trump slides in the seat across from me. people are gathered around, gawking. jeff sessions comes up to ask him something. he leans towards him, but without looking at him says "get me a drink."
so jeff sessions runs off. trump's jawing with the crowd, smiling and winking and numbnuts stuff. i am trying to figure out wtf i'm going to say. jeff sessions returns with some sort of colorful fruit cocktail with celery sticking out of the top. immediately trump berates him, "why didn't you bring one for this guy? i can't just drink in front of people? jesus!" so sessions demurely backs away and brings another fruit cocktail. "that'll be six dollars, sir"
"six dollars? jesus you think you would have covered it!" trump seethes. "get me my checkbook!" he says to no one in particular. seconds later a faceless suit hands him an open folder containing multiple designs of personal checks. trump, still smiling at the crowd, picks one and tears it off the top.
"see, i pay with a check, and then later i can get my money back, saying it was fake!" he says proudly as he writes a $6 check.
i flipped out. said a bunch of really terrible things that i shouldn't put in print. stuff about paying his bills, and telling the truth and paying whores and being a general ignoramus on every possible level. everyone gasped. his eyebrows raised and you could see he was trying to figure out how to punch back. i can't remember the rest, but i felt a little better.

then i woke up

alice cooper's gift record - flying over the casino

dream i had this morning:

i was inside steve boyle's house. even though i've never been there in real life. no one was there, but for some reason it was ok. i was in a bedroom taking a camera and trying two switch out a giant lens on it. at some point alice cooper called. he and i talked for a few minutes before i told him "i finally listened to that blues record you gave me. it's really really good!"
he responded with "that record wasn't for you!? i told you to give it to so and so from that other band!"
"oh yeah. i knew that, i just forgot, i got really really high earlier."
"wow"
* silence *
"hello?"
no response. i hung up.
eventually someone came home. but now it was aaron brunsman's house. the living room had a giant round sectional couch and many tables and chairs. it was laid out like a mexican restaurant. i had stuffed the blues record into a backpack, because now i needed to get it to whomever from whatever band, all of which i could not remember. aaron came in and i said hello. explained that i was borrowing the camera again. he looked down and seemed pissed. i quickly made an exit. one of the living room walls was now an opening to a shopping mall. i walked out of the mexican restaurant through the mall to where i left my bike on the ground, feeling like a giant dummy.

then i woke up.

a few days ago i had a crazy dream where some friends and i were in a tiny helicopter. we landed it between some highly charged electrical wires in a daring landing. but for some reason we waited until the nighttime to fly over a huge casino built on the water. jason marcuson was holding onto a drone, and myself and two others (larry king and possibly mike naish) were holding on to him so we didn't fall. we were about 150 feet above the water level. it was pitch black out, but the casino was completely covered in flashing lights. at one end was a pier with multiple levels of stages. on those stages were dancing girls wearing costumes with flashing lights. there were probably 50 girls on each platform, all dancing in unison at the end of this pier. no one could really see them except from a highway that was maybe half a mile away. i felt bad for them, but i wanted to snap a photo. like most dreams i was unable to get my phone camera to work for some reason. in this case, i held on to jason with one hand and fumbled to get my phone out of my pocket. as i did, i started to juggle it and it bounced around. i took a deep breath and almost dropped it, but i was able to hang on. we were moving perpendicular to the casino and ooh-ing and aah-ing, all scrambling to hold on to jason, who was somehow guiding the drone and holding onto it with both hands. it was cold and the wind was biting. i don't remember ever falling or coming back down.

eventually i woke up.

flying dream - zombie apocalypse dream

dreams:

yesterday morning i had a dream i was flying. i had mastered the art of levitation and was in some neighborhood for a friend's get together. just using my mind, floating 2 feet in the air, no big deal. later i was flying around the neighborhood, trying to master the takeoffs and landings.

this morning i had a horrible zombie apocalypse dream. the zombies had just started appearing and power was going out. phones weren't working. internet obviously out. i was a young college student on some campus. the people around me were unaware of the danger. i started collecting supplies and was stealing money to buy stuff, as some stores weren't yet hip to the collapsing of civilization.

at some point there was an administrator from the school who tried to get in my way somehow. i can't remember details but i had to kill him and his associate by tossing him over a railing.  it was all very real and visceral.

workin for trump, drugged, needles and leaking plasma

dream from this morning:

i was working in the trump organization, but we operated out of a small brick basement with fake plants. i can't tell what my job was but i didn't do anything except wander around wondering when someone would figure it out and fire me. we were told "no pictures" of trump but on this occasion he was wearing some messed up baby blue outfit with a baby blue hoodie that was 2 sizes too small. the hood was pulled up over his head and he was making a face like he had sour candy in his mouth. i tried to figure out a way to walk past and snap a photo without him noticing, but as i was silencing my phone he poked his head around the corner and gave me a nasty look.

around "lunch time" i drank two tiny hamms beers and became very drowsy, so drowsy i was probably drugged intentionally. when i finally woke up, the day was almost over. i got up and walked home before realizing i wasn't wearing any shoes. i walked back to the building, the upper part of which was a pepsi factory. there was part of the dream where someone handed me a broken machine with wheels and i didn't know why or what to do with it, but after that i went down to get my shoes and bookbag. i see some 'friends' and coworkers (none of whom i know in real life) and a few of them are horsing around. one of them is daring the other to put these long needles through his chest. i told them i wasn't interested but they insisted that i do it also. there was a confrontation and one guy got way up in my face. we argued and then i realized he had poked through my chest with the needles. my white shirt was covered in plasma, but in the dream i said it was spinal fluid.

at this point i realized someone had stolen my bookbag, and i called out a shady looking guy in a trenchcoat. "where's my bag? i know you took it", i screamed, still leaking plasma out my chest. there was a small chase but the guy got away.

my shirt was soaked now and getting worse. i decided i needed to go to the hospital due to my concern something really bad had happened but i had to go home and feed some parakeets first. i walked all the way home again, to a giant white home with massive pillars. my wife came home from work and when i told her i needed to get to the emergency room she said "whatever" and stormed off.

eventually i woke up.

bruno falls

dream from this morning:

at a small music festival, i met bruno mars & alice cooper. i ran into bruno in the elevator and went directly into fanboy mode. he was polite and a little surprised. then i showed him some moves. (lol) the elevator may not have been working because he opened up some access panel and he said we could get down if i followed him. he was climbing down along the exposed pipes and wiring like some sort of monkey.

later he was scheduled to perform, i went to the small ampitheater where they were waiting on stage for the crowd to show up. i went right down in the front as the show started. about halfway into the first song he did a crazy backflip and tried to catch himself on the wall behind the drums using his fingertips. the wall was segmented with horizontal lines but it curved over the top of the drumset. well he didn't quite catch the wall and fell straight down onto his head. he slumped like a pile of dirty rags as the crowd let out a collective gasp. the band didn't see him fall so they kept on playing for another minute until the crew came up and dragged him away. show over.

eventually i found him backstage with a bandage covering his head. we talked and hung out for about twenty minutes but i can't remember anything of what was said. i introduced him to my wife and then i left.

when i got down the hall i ran into alice cooper, all decked out in costume. i asked to take a selfie and he turned me down. then i woke up.

home detention with huma abedin

dream:

i was in some sort of home detention. it was an apartment that was all white. white carpets, white cabinets, white furniture. huma abedin also lived in the apartment, and someone else i'm guessing was her mother. we were watching tv, eating dinner and other general things in the apartment. i didn't know why i was in home detention. when it finally came up, i was told that i had caused an accident on the freeway by being impatient. i was in a car behind huma's car and she was trying to turn left, but i was gesturing and cursing and she turned into traffic or something. at one point she was sleeping in a walk-in closet and i snuck in and gave her a kiss on the cheek, but she woke up and looked horrified. there was another part of a dream where people were driving the wrong way on the interstate and i had to get out of there.

the end?

dream: ben carson's midsummer night's irritation

dream:

somehow myself and my parents went to a science lecture with ben carson. it may have been neil degrasse tyson speaking but i never got that far into it. anyway, we're in the line to buy tickets and ben carson tries to order tickets to a midsummer night's dream. i have to step in and correct him and he seems irritated. not too long after, we are on a hike to get to the seating area. the hike takes us outside and around a corner and up a steep, rocky crevasse. i lean in to tell my dad what a dipshit ben carson is but i suddenly realize ben carson is right there next to me and overheard. we get to a big room with lots of chairs,couches and tables. we sit down and await dinner. ben carson won't look at me, he turns his back to us. everyone is uncomfortable. james earl jones comes out and warms up the crowd. mom and dad are mad, ben carson is mad. i am irritated. then i woke up.