Monday, October 15, 2018

parking infraction - baby parakeets


my wife and i were handcuffed together for a parking infraction. apparently someone got upset with the judge so we had to be tossed in the jail together. we were getting out of the jail but had to go back in front of the judge to get the handcuffs removed. there was much consternation during the walk to the courthouse.

later we are at home, but it's a different home, a small cottage deep in the woods somewhere. i look inside the parakeet cage and see tiny, fully formed babies at the bottom. i'm trying to ask my wife if she bought a new parakeet and stuck it in the cage without telling me. the babies are all the size of a thumbnail. she admits she saw this cute bird at the store and brought it home. i can't believe how cute they are and it occurs to me that it's probably a dream.

i wake up in some big bed with white sheets and am sad there are no baby parakeets. i go back into the living room and there are the baby parakeets! on the bottom of the cage are several large eggs in various pastel colors. the parakeets are also pastel colors, baby blue and yellow and purple. they have great big eyes and heads compared to their tiny bodies. they are so small one of them gets through the bars of the cage. it's the purple one. he's flitting around and i can't catch him. he flies from one side of the room to the kitchen and back. i almost get him a couple times. she tells me not to worry about him and let him fly around.

then i woke up (for real)

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

skipped classes - stuck truck - senior administration official

dream this morning:

it occurs to me that it's the end of the semester and i skipped every single class. my english teacher likes me and thinks i'm funny so he will pass me. my math teacher barely remembers me. i told him i should just fail and take the class again but he has a better idea. if i sign this waiver and give him my 'parting gift' from the school (of which i know nothing) then he will pass me with a C. oh yeah, i also have to take this little baby. so i'm sitting at a Dennys holding this baby and people are asking so many questions. "i just don't know," i say.

flash forward, we are on tour. we have to get back up north from our run down south. heading to ohio or washington dc maybe, i can't remember. we are in a small white pickup truck. oddly, we have zero gear or luggage. the traffic up ahead begins to slow on this two lane highway. there is a body of water on the right side and a dense row of trees on the left. as we drive we see massive rectangular holes in our lane, about 20 feet deep. the highway has washed out in huge sections and the work crews are trying to repair them. i look down and can see other cars at the bottom of these holes. we are all craning our necks to see what's going on. suddenly the back tire slides off the road and the entire truck flips over. we roll down into the earth.

the work crews come make sure we are ok and direct us to a fancy hotel. it's going to be a while to get our truck out. "we have a show!" yeah, buddy, sure you do.

eventually we are at the hotel bar and i find out trump and his entourage is there. secret service lets him know that i am there and they send someone to talk to me. basically, as he knows all his critics (he keeps a book) he knows me AND hates my guts. BUT if i stop bashing him online they will offer me $400,000 and a senior level administration position. "offer accepted."

at first i thought they said my job title was "administrative director" or something, but i can't recall exactly. i'm asking and no one is telling me. "just sign the forms" they say. finally i find a phone and my name is on one of the speed dial buttons, but instead of a title, it just says STEVE JANIAK - $$$. an older lady from the administration comes in. i don't recognize her. she grills me about doing what's right for the country and then tells me it's my job to approve purchases for general stuff. i have no idea what that means. eventually she warns me about messing up and leaves.

now it's getting late and we still don't have our truck. thinking we can still make the show if we play really late, i walk out to find the workers. there are none anywhere near where our truck is stuck. i walk to the opposite side of the hotel and there are two workers finishing up. they have a funny car or drag racer looking thing held up on a crane. there is a guy inside it. i can hear one of the workers as i approach. "you shoulda seen your face after the wreck, bud. it was swoled up like a tomater!" "yeah" the guy says back. i can see the funny car was actually towing a trailer. but it was the shape of a cross. there's a guy strapped to that cross. i can't tell if he's alive but he's all black and blue with bruises. the workers finish moving this vehicle and start to leave.

"hey! my truck is in a hole down the road. we need to get it out and get to our show." "sorry, we're done here. there are other guys down there" "no, they all left, we need help" "can't. going home."

at this point i let them know that president trump is coming and he's going to raise some hell. they look at each other and laugh. right at that moment, the presidential limo pulls up. trump rolls down his window and points at them. they start freaking out.

 then i woke up.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

when the staff goes ‘hood’, you have to fight back ‘hood’

Dream from this morning:

I was working in food service at some DC area restaurant. Not sure what my job was exactly, but I had to wear a white chefs outfit. There was an Asian woman who called out orders and her accent was so thick I would correct her mispronunciations. On this day she was fed up and told the boss. An angry woman came by and told me “2nd and final verbal warning” followed by a stern look. I said something about having a sense of humor but that was met with another dirty look. 

Next we are at a big meeting. In the middle of a pep talk, one of the chefs starts berating me. He tells me I should just “Shut up. shut up forever” which gets big laughs from the group.

In the last part of the dream, Trump turns up and allegedly owns the restaurant. He heard I might have been talking critically of him. I order my usual steak for lunch. Trump comes over and tells me I need to eat my lunch with “Valerie Jarrett” and play a game of poker with her afterwards. I sneak off and eat my lunch privately. When I came through the main dining area Valerie Jarrett was there at a table and had finished eating. I started talking to a colleague as Trump walks up. He speaks to Valerie briefly and I exit the room. I go out back behind the building. There is a field of grass with a rusty old car on the far side. Trump is already out there, with his hair blowing all crazy in the wind. It looked like a giant flame that was burning sideways.

I tried to pretend I didn’t see him and started searching for aluminum cans on the ground. He said “I knew you wouldn’t do it” without looking at me. I asked him why he was “such a dick.” He said he had to be tough to make the country tough. Then he said “sometimes, when the staff goes ‘hood’, you have to fight back ‘hood’.”

then I woke up

Saturday, August 11, 2018

refrigerator ufo - out of state show - unshaven dane cook - wet burrito lookin thing

dream from this morning:

we're playing a one-off show out of state. i am flying there in a ufo shaped like a massive refrigerator. inside the ufo are stainless steel shape shifting walls and flat screen tvs. there are a bunch of rooms inside, like a house, which makes me believe it utilizes extra dimensions.

eventually we are at the show. it's in a large, wood paneled barn with a stage at one end and chairs, tables and a snack bar at the other end. the crowd is light. bob fouts is running sound. there are 4 bands playing before us. one of them might have been cootie brown. it was my idea for each band to have someone from another band sit in for a song, but everyone acts like they had no idea. it gets to be after 6pm and the lady who owns the venue says they need to take a break for everyone to eat dinner. we need to start playing at 8 and be done by 9. great. by the time we get onstage, it's already after 8pm, i try to tell the guys to hurry up. unfortunately we don't have a set list. chad suggests we play songs i don't even remember. i realize i can't remember any songs at the moment. onstage arguments ensue. looking really professional. before we play a note, i black out.

now the show is over and i'm in a large parking lot. i'm trying to argue with some of the guys that the show wasn't real, because the dates were wrong. "i don't think it even happened." they are not amused and i can tell it didn't go well. i walk over to the rental place. i'm asking about my refrigerator ufo but the guy says they have no such thing. after trying to convince him for a while i debate renting a car and threaten to walk the entire way home.

a guy from back in the day who looks like an unshaven dane cook shows up. he asks if i hit the weed shop. i told him i forgot all about it. so we walk across the parking lot and head in. i tell the guy behind the counter that i just want some gummies but unshaven dane cook is showing me all the latest gadgets and options. he shows me some cough drop looking stuff with a tiny white pill in the same package. another that you pull out like a small drawer with a trigger that lights a fire on its own. then big pre-wrapped smokes in all shapes and sizes. i buy a random assortment out of peer pressure. we walk back outside and find a crowd of people waiting by a sign. unshaven dane cook pulls out a big fattie and starts smoking it. he hands it to me. it looks like a freshly made wet burrito that is so overstuffed the sausage is rolling out and it's completely coming apart at one end. it gets passed back and forth a few times before someone says "that's not legal here".

i am now in the car with the apostle dudes. i'm still holding the wet burrito and telling them i don't think the show even happened. i ask them how bad it was. corey takes a hit and says, holding most of his breath in "it's not the worst steve janiak performance i've seen". everyone laughs.

i suddenly remember my wife drove to the show. i call her and ask why she didn't wait for me. "i got hungry" she says. she's telling me she's at a local dennys. i ask the address but the phone starts breaking up. i am pretty sure she is pretending and just blowing into the phone.

at some point later i am in a home for people struggling with some kind of mental problems. i am talking to a psychiatrist and laying out how i messed up as a kid and ran away from home. it's all very emotional and i feel like i'm getting some things off my chest. a door buzzes at the back of the building and a bunch of troubled youth come through the door and down the hall followed by two women. one of the kids swipes my cd off the table as he passes by. i just happen to see this out of the corner of my eye. i push my way through the kids and scream "little fucker!" or something as i yank the cd out of his hand. one of the ladies immediately points to the door and yells "YOU'RE OUT OF HERE". i grab my backpack and tell her off in colorful language. she goes on to put me on blast and tell me what a joke i am, that i "pay through the nose" for all these services and get nowhere. everyone laughs.

i walk into another room and completely lose my shit. i am yelling about never having been talked to that way before. i'm screaming at the top of my lungs, slowly and emphatically, and snot is flying out of my nose. a woman walks in to try to calm me down. then kellyanne conway comes in right behind her with some kleenex. suddenly i wake up.

the end?

Monday, August 6, 2018

hijacked & kidnapped in europe


i was on a group tour going through europe. some of the same people from our africa trip were on the bus. there were lots of laughs and good times. we drove over some incredibly high mountain range and it acted like a roller coaster.

at the next big city, it seemed like we took a wrong turn. we came to the end of a darkened street, and as we were about to turn left, a large man with a machine gun demanded we get out of the vehicle. they took our phones and wallets and put us all in a living room of a nearby house with some woman to keep an eye on us. we could see them going through our stuff out the window. i tried come up with some plan to get us out of this situation but came up empty. i even argued with the woman and struck her across the face. she said they were going to torture and kill me when they found out.

she went outside to get someone, so i ran to a door in the house and opened it. it was a bathroom. i tried to find a place to hide, but they were going to find me. there was another door on the opposite side of the bathroom and it went to a hallway connecting other apartments or living areas. i found a locked door and kicked it in. there was a girl in this room, maybe 11 years old. she started to scream so i put her in a headlock until she passed out. i grabbed her phone and texted my wife. (who was somehow at work and not on the trip).

TEXT: hey, it's me, steve! we are kidnapped and these men have our stuff. pls use this GPS information and contact the police!

i hid for a while as my heart raced (in real life) and finally heard sirens. the men were arguing over who was taking what when the police finally arrived. i ran out and found my backpack among the loot, they hadn't found my ipad or laptop. i couldn't believe it. there was more to it but i can't remember.

then i woke up

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

corpses in my basement, jackpot spin, arcade store

dreams from this morning: 

I was somehow involved in the accidental death of a friend. I hid the corpse in my basement so I didn’t get into trouble. Someone else found out and had a similar situation so they used that leverage to pressure me into putting that corpse in my basement also. Eventually it happened again and again and there were five corpses in my basement. I was riddled with anxiety over what to do about them all, either chop them up and dissolve them (and risk getting caught) or turn myself in. Eventually I turned myself in and knew I would do time, and all the co-conspirators would be arrested.

Later in another sequence I was at a casino / arcade with Mike Naish. I sat down at a slot machine and put in my last $50. Mike sat down next to me and to be funny started hammering the spin button over and over. I started to flip out and curse until, on the third spin, we hit for $50,000. 

Then in the next dream I won a bunch of credits in the arcade, and was shopping using the credits, buying unique collectibles and vintage books, until I woke up halfway through and realized I was dreaming and couldn’t actually take it all home.

Monday, July 16, 2018

insurance fraud dream


i had a dream this morning that i was trying to execute some sort of insurance fraud. it required me to get stabbed in the stomach / intestines area by a friend. the first time we tried it, the knife didn't go deep enough and the hospital just sent me home. the second time, the knife went way too far and i showed up at the hospital a few hours later, my shirt and pants soaked in blood. except now i was actually worried about bleeding out. the hospital started asking questions and i basically implicated myself. they left me in the ER to think about what i had done and i was freaking out.

then i woke up.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

secretary of the interior


i was working in the government. someone got demoted and then i was promoted to the head of some major agency under the trump administration. i think i was "secretary of the interior" but i can't quite remember. i had a reputation for being an outspoken trump critic so naturally he was pissed and planned to slag me in the press. obama came by to congratulate me and give me advice. he didn't seem to have a security detail. as we were talking he moved next to a wall near a large pile of knives and swords on a wooden pallet. i told him it wasn't safe here and asked where the secret service was. he let me know he was testing them.

at some point we were all in a large conference room. hope hicks was eyeing me like i was the enemy, but i think she was into my beard.

i know there was a lot more to this dream but i can't remember the rest. i do remember saying i would 'do what's right for my country'.

Monday, July 9, 2018

plane crash


i was in a plane flying over the ocean. the sky was sunny and clear. some curly blonde headed dude was looking nervous and pacing near the back of the plane. i got suspicious and went back towards the rear bathrooms. the guy was mumbling to himself and went around a corner. i peeked around and he was gone. i could see a small vent cover had been removed and he had crawled inside it. i ran to tell the flight attendants but the guy had already tripped a security alert. they started yelling and telling everyone to buckle up, but i never made it back to my seat. the plane exploded and was ripped in half. i think i blacked out. when i came to the plane was upside down and there was insane wind and blue sky everywhere. i knew we were falling but i had slipped out of the plane and ended up above it. i could see clear blue water below, coming fast. there was a huge splash into the water and i slipped in myself, like a torpedo. i was able to swim up and catch my breath. there was luggage and debris floating everywhere, chunks of the fuselage. it seemed like there were already people doing a rescue. i was swimming and confused but i finally woke up.

Monday, July 2, 2018

kidnapped to england - moonies


had a dream this morning that i was somehow kidnapped by a british guy who looked like daniel craig. he took me to what i thought was england for some sort of personality re-adjustment camp. i was basically a prisoner, learning how to be proper and english. i couldn't tell what i had done to deserve being imprisoned. there were classes i had to sit through and i had to apply for some prison job. we wore striped prison jumpsuits. near the end of the dream i was told it wasn't england but actually another planet and i was invited to live there but had to go through the training.

there was another part of the dream where these small creatures were everywhere, called Moonies (i think) but i can't remember anything else of that part of the dream, or what they looked like.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

worst party ever that ends in a tornado

dream from this morning:

i was younger, probably 22 years old. the band (not sure which) played a show somewhere and we met some fans. one girl invited our band and IKILLYA to play at her party.

the party was literally in the middle of nowhere. we have several vehicles, and i think we brought all our parents also. IKILLYA shows up with a massive trailer full of gear. when we walk in the party has already started. it's sunny outside but this girl's entire family is having a cookout on their back screened-in porch. it's dark wood paneled with many tables and chairs. she says "this is it" when i ask what time the party starts. trying to make the best of it, i am directed to get a beer and tell everyone to grab a plate. except there is no beer. at first i can't find it. one of the cousins snarkily tells me i'm looking in the wrong place, it's in the other cooler. i check that cooler and it's empty. party fail.

at this point i become aware that i'm getting dirty looks from this girl's husband. he's not happy she asked two bands to play and thinks i'm trying to pick up his lady. through the porch screen something out back catches my eye. the IKILLYA trailer is stuck in a big hole in the grass. a bunch of dudes all standing around suggesting how to get it out.

it starts to rain, not too bad at first. everyone scurries into the house. then it starts coming down in buckets. i hide in some bedroom just off the back door. there's a couch next to the window and i hunker down. the rain gets unbelievably worse, then i realize it's a tornado. everything gets super loud, like a train running overhead. the windows shatter and i'm blinded by white light. then it's over. i need to get everyone out of this party, i think.

then i woke up.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

70s sedan - wedding - old casino - manifesting - stadium on the ocean

dream this morning:

i'm driving a giant 1970s sedan. we're going uphill and the hill becomes steeper and steeper. eventually the road levels out but i'm going too fast and am flying straight up through the air. they tell me not to panic tho. "think of it like a video game" they say.

next we are driving to a small brown house for a wedding. it's sunny out and the grass is green, but the lawn is covered in front and back with junk. there are a lot of people out back waiting for the wedding. i can't remember who was getting married or what happened. i don't remember getting out of the car.

at some point we are in an old casino, possibly back in time. the clientele are wearing 1920s style attire and playing a game that is half blackjack and half dice. my wife and i decide to play and sit down. we're waiting for the dealer and trying to grasp the game when i realize someone has stolen my shoes and i'm barefoot. there is some dispute with the people at the table next to us. i can't remember any details here except we end up with a small chest of coins worth a ton of money. we give some of the money to the people next to us and pocket the rest.

i'm not sure what happens between, but now we are in a castle. as we reach a room in the top of a tower, all the stones separate and fly off in opposite directions. at first i am alarmed but a small boy tells me he is learning to manifest. he goes on to say he's teaching me to manifest as well, and i recreate the movements of the stones.

eventually i see scott from lo-pan. he informs me that it's time to go to the stadium for some event. we are next to an ocean on a raised walkway. i realize the stadium is built on the ocean itself. we walk down the crowded walkway for a long time. finally we are at the top of the stadium. he says it's the biggest one ever built. it seems to go on for a mile or more. i see a field at the bottom but i have no idea what the event was.

then i woke up suddenly.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

alien clone invasion - president steve janiak

dreams from this morning:

the first dream was diabolical. i was part of some organization that cloned people or possibly made clones to create a police force. it was night time. there was a big factory where everything took place. it was dark blue and metal and constructed in a half moon shape. some of the officers were used as security for the plant. they were seen doing patrols inside and outside the perimeter. one female officer i knew well. when i stopped to talk to her she acted strange. then she attacked me. i figured out quickly that it was an alien virus that had taken over her body. there was a firefight and i think she escaped.

after some searching with some additional officers, a male officer attacked us. now i knew the alien had cloned itself inside another and all were at risk. we finally had to destroy the entire cloning factory because the virus was able to spread and take over officers too fast. there were intense amounts of blood and guts, as well as a giant fire where most of the clones in various stages of completion were burned to death. then a huge gunfight at the end where the two alien clones were obliterated into piles of goo via my machine gun. their bits of flesh were squirming around on the ground trying to reconstitute so i had to torch them as well.

i woke up and went to the bathroom.

after falling back asleep, i was in the white house. apparently i had come in as an aide or graphic designer to whoever took over the presidency after trump and pence were tossed in jail. then i got promoted to chief of staff. suddenly the current president (no idea who it was) died. there was no vice-president and congress still couldn't decide on a speaker of the house so through some legal wrangling i became the president of the united states. i was wandering around in tshirts and jeans asking what i had to wear now, since i didn't have any suits. i had a hard time believing it but then it hit me, I PREDICTED THIS when i was i small child! weird.

lots of people trying to tell me what to do and random women suddenly flirting with me. i knew i had to give a big speech on television soon, to calm the nation. but before that could happen, the white house appeared to have a small backyard and some friends were hanging out when a deer, a cougar and a bear all appeared running through. the deer and cougar got away but now the bear was attacking  people. something had to be done, and i was the president, god dammit. there were consultations in rooms full of too much furniture and i decided we couldn't kill the bear. they were going to stun it and relocate it.

then i woke up.