Monday, December 2, 2019

breakdown at the big music fest


the band is at a big music festival. after some time hanging out with friends and waiting to play, two of the guys are spitting mad. they're saying i wrote disparaging things about them. i ask for proof and somehow a postcard turns up. "it's not even in my handwriting!" i say, but they're not convinced. the postcard said something about not "needing" the band in barely legible script. the guys won't drop it so eventually i get upset, threatening to pack up my shit and go home, just quit the band forever. the argument goes on for a long time. we miss our set up time and although we decide to play, we've pushed past the official start time. our set up takes even longer than normal and the crowd is getting bored. we finally blast through a song with a ton of mistakes because everyone is pissed. we play another and then everyone walks offstage. i'm yelling into the mic. nobody cares. then i woke up.

Monday, November 25, 2019

cartel marriage - bigfoot kidnapping - red hot bum


i am in an alternate timeline, somehow dealing with a cartel in mexico. one of the bosses introduces me to his 19 year old daughter (who looks like camila cabello) and eventually i find out i'm supposed to marry her so she can become a US citizen. it's awkward because of the language barrier but also the age difference. i go along because, if i don't, they'll probably kill me.

some time later we're living in a big house with multiple sides of her family. there was a ceremony, but i don't remember it. at this point the girl refuses to be in the same room with me. in the beginning she would hold my hand and hang out. now her family is disappointed that she is repulsed by me and i don't even know what to do. at one point she screams she would stay in the house (away from me) but would never "pay any bills!" her brother takes me aside and tells me about an opportunity to teach music theory online, which i assume is a money laundering scheme.

that afternoon jason rich and i go out into the country to shoot a drone video. we spend an inordinate amount of time getting the perfect shots. finally it starts to get dark. we jump in a light brown van and drive down these old country roads. i start to get goosebumps. something seems to jump out of the treeline on the right side of the road. it looks like a gorilla? maybe bigfoot? we stop the van to take a second look and are kidnapped at gunpoint.

now we're driving to who knows where, but we're sure we're going to die. it's dark and the road is bumpy. after a long drive, we come to a stop. we're shoved out of the van and handed over to members of the family cartel. i can't tell if this is a second kidnapping or a prisoner swap.

they untie us and tell us we can go. uncle fezzy is there in his brown van and we jump in with him. some bum walks up to the van wearing a red beanie and asks for change. fezzy says he doesn't have any but the bum spies little boxes of red hots all over the dash. he reaches through the window as we start to pull away. he has a handful of red hots and m&ms and is screaming while hanging off the side of the van. fezzy swerves multiple times until the bum falls off.

then i woke up.

Monday, September 16, 2019

disaster all around dream

insane dream from this morning:

we were on a plane, bound for home. the plane was idling on the runway. the weather was overcast. as soon as the wheels were off the ground i looked out the window to my left. a massive shipping container fell from the sky into a construction tower. the other passengers all screamed. suddenly another plane flew past the window with a shipping container embedded in its wing. the plane had a thick trail of black smoke billowing from behind as it dipped forward and crashed somewhere out of sight.

i thought we in the middle of an earthquake, but that we should be fine since we were already airborne. then our plane started to lose altitude. everyone was panicking. our pilot tried to bring the plane down on a highway, but the buildings were too close together. we came down on the side of a building and some power lines, balanced precariously. in the distance i could see the highway ahead. on one side of it was the ocean, and there were people, cars and other objects along the path. without warning, a mess of power lines or cables were being dragged by some object i couldn't see, and they moved forward with a blinding speed, ripping everything in their path off the road ahead and into the water.

our plane slid down on to the highway and the pilot told everyone he was going to take off using it as the runway. we started to pick up speed and i saw more objects being thrown off the road in the distance. i told my wife to unbuckle her seat belt. she asked me why and i said "no time!" as i unbuckled it for her. the plane instantly was ripped in half by a huge metal cable as it sped along the roadway. we were jettisoned high into the air. i don't remember how or where we landed.

now we're running. there are emergency vehicles everywhere. army vehicles. the emergency crews are unloading people off the plane on stretchers. some people are less injured and are helping others. i am trying to find the front of the plane so i can grab my backpack. i run up and ask some army guys. one of them points to a wrinkled hunk of smoking metal.

we end up in a nearby building trying to find help. part of the building was a hospital with lots of staircases. nurses and patients moving quickly after the disaster. as we're discussing how to get a rental car, i can feel the building shake. screams are heard from all directions. a powerful earthquake shakes the building and it starts to crack the walls and ceilings. i don't know which way to run. then i wake up.

the end?

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

lost car, parakeets, or mind?


it's dark outside. i'm at some business. i can't tell if it's a cat shelter or a goodwill type of store or what, but there is a big parking lot that wraps around the entire building. my car (named "Miles") is parked out front. after leaving the business i am back out front, looking for Miles. there is a different car in the spot where i parked. i am walking and walking and can't find it. i'm assuming i left the doors unlocked somehow and someone took it.

after what seems like an eternity, someone yells and points towards the nearby interstate. "hey!" there is a black car off in a ditch with the blinkers on. Miles! i bring the car back to the parking lot and go back inside. i'm recounting the story about how someone had taken my car with the people inside. i finally go to leave and the car is gone again. i am walking around the parking lot again with the key fob pressing the alarm button. nothing. this also goes on for an eternity. eventually i look down and realize i have a key fob i don't recognize, for someone else's car.

at last, my wife shows up. at this point i need to get home to feed the pets. i know we have cats and birds but i can't remember if i have parakeets at home, or if i have fed them. i feel like i need to get home to make sure they're ok. my wife informs me that i can't leave. that i have to stay here now for an undetermined amount of time. she basically doesn't believe me about the car being missing or the parakeets being at home. it occurs to me that i have something wrong with my mind and i am unable to think or speak properly. the rest of the dream drags on with me searching the parking lot forever until i finally wake up.

the end?

Saturday, April 20, 2019

pothole turned canyon - musuem - mom on the staircase

dream this morning:

i came back after last night's show. we were living in an apartment with our friend pam. it was on the third floor of a big white house. it was really late and everyone was asleep. i decided to get in the car and drive.

the sun came up. i was heading down an unfamiliar street. the area generally looked like an older industrial zone with wide open lots mixed with old brick factories. i see a pothole in the road and hope to avoid hitting it. as i get closer it looks like the pothole is at least 5 or 6 feet deep. i can see bits of wood and brick in layers in the pothole. my heart rate jumped as i narrowly avoided hitting it. i stop the car 30 feet away and backed up, looking into my rearview camera. the pothole is even bigger now. i get out to take a photo. as i walk around the car the pothole is now an endless canyon off to one side of the road. i see it goes down probably 60 feet. there is a river down below. i see a wooden staircase leading down on the opposite side from where the car sits. i walk halfway down these stairs to a landing. i can see the road above, and what look like ancient roman arches, bricks and wood structures below. this goes off to my left along the river as far as the eye can see. i'm trying to frame the image in my iphone for the photo when suddenly some woman in a red checkered dress is yelling at me.

"you can't take pictures here"
"why not? this is a public space"
"no, it's private property and no pictures are allowed"
"yeah, not really. piss off."

now i can feel people watching me argue with this woman. there are some up along the road and some behind me. when i turn around i'm at the edge of a wide property. there is huge museum about 100 feet away. there is a large concrete courtyard full of people. it's designed with many diagonal lines and some recessed areas with steps. the front of the museum is bright white with unusual, angled windows. suddenly matt stokes is there. we decide to go into the museum, because even though we both were aware of it for years, neither of us have been inside. the tickets cost $25 or maybe $28. i don't want to pay that much but i buy one anyway.

at some point i try to tell someone at the information desk about the woman in the red checkered dress. i tell them she was rude. they ask who it was. i see a red checkered dress and a woman with her back to me behind the counter. i point to her, then she turns around. it turned out to be a completely different woman in a red checkered dress.

then it occurs to me that i should wake my wife and have her come along. she's not answering my texts or phone calls. i go back to the ticket person in the middle of the courtyard. he's wearing white shorts and a white sweater and he looks kind of like ted mcginley from 'married with children'. his hair is all feathered 80s style. i ask him if i have to enter the museum now or if i can just come back later. he asks if i still have my ticket and receipt. i reach in my pockets and pull out both. each one has a nifty little catchphrase printed on it, but i can't remember either one. it was something like "every day above ground is a good day" or "life is what you make it". the ticket and receipt are time stamped and say 4pm. which makes me even more confused because i thought we bought them at 4am. i guess by this point it's more like 8pm.

i told matt i was going to wait to hear from my wife. i'm pretty sure he goes into the museum. a bit later on i'm in my car again. i'm trying to park in the museum parking lot. i see my mom. she is there with a walker and she's following two older ladies. they say they have a parking pass, so i can park in the garage for free. i park the car and follow them to a secret museum entrance. there is a wrought iron spiral staircase, painted bright blue, with a section missing about 10 feet up. the older ladies go up the staircase. when they get to the broken section, they jump up and grab part of the upper stair railing. essentially they do a pull up to get to the next section. i look at my mom and even though she's not very strong she's still going to try to jump it. i climb up the side of the stairs and jump. i grab the upper railing right as she makes a leap for it. she misses but i grab her around the waist. i don't really have a good grip and she starts to slip down out of my grasp. instead she flips upside down. now i'm holding her legs against me as her arms are pointed down towards the concrete floor. i lower her down so she doesn't fall. some people come running to help. i jump down and help her sit up. she says something like "maybe today wasn't a great day for the museum." she says she wants to hit the restrooms before we leave. then she stops at a machine and buys some toilet paper. i assume we have to pay extra for a bathroom ticket. my wife never returns my text or phone call.

then i woke up.

Friday, January 11, 2019

worst music fest kickoff ever

dream from this morning:

there was some kind of music festival. the kickoff event was to be held in a large theater. matt bacon was one of the organizers. i put together a band with a handful of friends and we were supposed to get up and play a Poison song once every hour, with multiple bands playing their one song each until the following hour.

when i arrived for load in, the stage in the theater was obscured behind what looked like a massive house with no roof. there were rooms full of furniture and lighting rigs above the entire construction. turns out it was a reconstruction of a reality show set. the reality show was planning to shoot a bunch of reality tv during the fest.

some of the bands showed up and decided they weren't playing, the rest heard the details and didn't come. chad said he had somewhere to be at 10pm and left. matt bacon blamed the choreographer. the hourly repeating Poison song was supposed to start at 3pm. by 6pm not one single person had walked through the doors for the kickoff event. eventually a few guys got up and played the same RATT song over and over. finally i gave up and left.

the end?

Saturday, December 22, 2018

big bear lodge - sad day for kellyanne

dream from this morning:

the band is recording at Slayer's giant log cabin complex deep in the woods somewhere in northern Canada. they tell us each wing of the complex has bears that live in and around it. on the first night, we are all crashed out on the floor and i wake up and think i see a bear, but it turns out to be a black cat. a few minutes later i see a baby bear and it's heading straight for us. then i see what appears to be an 8 foot tall black bear. it lumbers through a doorway and walks over to me and starts to hover over me. i yell something hilarious (but inappropriate) and everyone starts laughing, even the bear. it turns out that stephen colbert is inside.

finally, my wife and i are preparing for a wedding renewal ceremony at the lodge. tons of family and friends and celebrities show up. before the big dinner, kellyanne conway stops me in a hallway and asks me why i won't work for trump. she says she tells him every day how smart and talented i am. i tell her it won't happen. i let her know i have dreams where i stab him through the heart.

a piercing, repeated bird scream pulls me into the real world. the end.

Monday, October 15, 2018

parking infraction - baby parakeets


my wife and i were handcuffed together for a parking infraction. apparently someone got upset with the judge so we had to be tossed in the jail together. we were getting out of the jail but had to go back in front of the judge to get the handcuffs removed. there was much consternation during the walk to the courthouse.

later we are at home, but it's a different home, a small cottage deep in the woods somewhere. i look inside the parakeet cage and see tiny, fully formed babies at the bottom. i'm trying to ask my wife if she bought a new parakeet and stuck it in the cage without telling me. the babies are all the size of a thumbnail. she admits she saw this cute bird at the store and brought it home. i can't believe how cute they are and it occurs to me that it's probably a dream.

i wake up in some big bed with white sheets and am sad there are no baby parakeets. i go back into the living room and there are the baby parakeets! on the bottom of the cage are several large eggs in various pastel colors. the parakeets are also pastel colors, baby blue and yellow and purple. they have great big eyes and heads compared to their tiny bodies. they are so small one of them gets through the bars of the cage. it's the purple one. he's flitting around and i can't catch him. he flies from one side of the room to the kitchen and back. i almost get him a couple times. she tells me not to worry about him and let him fly around.

then i woke up (for real)

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

skipped classes - stuck truck - senior administration official

dream this morning:

it occurs to me that it's the end of the semester and i skipped every single class. my english teacher likes me and thinks i'm funny so he will pass me. my math teacher barely remembers me. i told him i should just fail and take the class again but he has a better idea. if i sign this waiver and give him my 'parting gift' from the school (of which i know nothing) then he will pass me with a C. oh yeah, i also have to take this little baby. so i'm sitting at a Dennys holding this baby and people are asking so many questions. "i just don't know," i say.

flash forward, we are on tour. we have to get back up north from our run down south. heading to ohio or washington dc maybe, i can't remember. we are in a small white pickup truck. oddly, we have zero gear or luggage. the traffic up ahead begins to slow on this two lane highway. there is a body of water on the right side and a dense row of trees on the left. as we drive we see massive rectangular holes in our lane, about 20 feet deep. the highway has washed out in huge sections and the work crews are trying to repair them. i look down and can see other cars at the bottom of these holes. we are all craning our necks to see what's going on. suddenly the back tire slides off the road and the entire truck flips over. we roll down into the earth.

the work crews come make sure we are ok and direct us to a fancy hotel. it's going to be a while to get our truck out. "we have a show!" yeah, buddy, sure you do.

eventually we are at the hotel bar and i find out trump and his entourage is there. secret service lets him know that i am there and they send someone to talk to me. basically, as he knows all his critics (he keeps a book) he knows me AND hates my guts. BUT if i stop bashing him online they will offer me $400,000 and a senior level administration position. "offer accepted."

at first i thought they said my job title was "administrative director" or something, but i can't recall exactly. i'm asking and no one is telling me. "just sign the forms" they say. finally i find a phone and my name is on one of the speed dial buttons, but instead of a title, it just says STEVE JANIAK - $$$. an older lady from the administration comes in. i don't recognize her. she grills me about doing what's right for the country and then tells me it's my job to approve purchases for general stuff. i have no idea what that means. eventually she warns me about messing up and leaves.

now it's getting late and we still don't have our truck. thinking we can still make the show if we play really late, i walk out to find the workers. there are none anywhere near where our truck is stuck. i walk to the opposite side of the hotel and there are two workers finishing up. they have a funny car or drag racer looking thing held up on a crane. there is a guy inside it. i can hear one of the workers as i approach. "you shoulda seen your face after the wreck, bud. it was swoled up like a tomater!" "yeah" the guy says back. i can see the funny car was actually towing a trailer. but it was the shape of a cross. there's a guy strapped to that cross. i can't tell if he's alive but he's all black and blue with bruises. the workers finish moving this vehicle and start to leave.

"hey! my truck is in a hole down the road. we need to get it out and get to our show." "sorry, we're done here. there are other guys down there" "no, they all left, we need help" "can't. going home."

at this point i let them know that president trump is coming and he's going to raise some hell. they look at each other and laugh. right at that moment, the presidential limo pulls up. trump rolls down his window and points at them. they start freaking out.

 then i woke up.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

when the staff goes ‘hood’, you have to fight back ‘hood’

Dream from this morning:

I was working in food service at some DC area restaurant. Not sure what my job was exactly, but I had to wear a white chefs outfit. There was an Asian woman who called out orders and her accent was so thick I would correct her mispronunciations. On this day she was fed up and told the boss. An angry woman came by and told me “2nd and final verbal warning” followed by a stern look. I said something about having a sense of humor but that was met with another dirty look. 

Next we are at a big meeting. In the middle of a pep talk, one of the chefs starts berating me. He tells me I should just “Shut up. shut up forever” which gets big laughs from the group.

In the last part of the dream, Trump turns up and allegedly owns the restaurant. He heard I might have been talking critically of him. I order my usual steak for lunch. Trump comes over and tells me I need to eat my lunch with “Valerie Jarrett” and play a game of poker with her afterwards. I sneak off and eat my lunch privately. When I came through the main dining area Valerie Jarrett was there at a table and had finished eating. I started talking to a colleague as Trump walks up. He speaks to Valerie briefly and I exit the room. I go out back behind the building. There is a field of grass with a rusty old car on the far side. Trump is already out there, with his hair blowing all crazy in the wind. It looked like a giant flame that was burning sideways.

I tried to pretend I didn’t see him and started searching for aluminum cans on the ground. He said “I knew you wouldn’t do it” without looking at me. I asked him why he was “such a dick.” He said he had to be tough to make the country tough. Then he said “sometimes, when the staff goes ‘hood’, you have to fight back ‘hood’.”

then I woke up

Saturday, August 11, 2018

refrigerator ufo - out of state show - unshaven dane cook - wet burrito lookin thing

dream from this morning:

we're playing a one-off show out of state. i am flying there in a ufo shaped like a massive refrigerator. inside the ufo are stainless steel shape shifting walls and flat screen tvs. there are a bunch of rooms inside, like a house, which makes me believe it utilizes extra dimensions.

eventually we are at the show. it's in a large, wood paneled barn with a stage at one end and chairs, tables and a snack bar at the other end. the crowd is light. bob fouts is running sound. there are 4 bands playing before us. one of them might have been cootie brown. it was my idea for each band to have someone from another band sit in for a song, but everyone acts like they had no idea. it gets to be after 6pm and the lady who owns the venue says they need to take a break for everyone to eat dinner. we need to start playing at 8 and be done by 9. great. by the time we get onstage, it's already after 8pm, i try to tell the guys to hurry up. unfortunately we don't have a set list. chad suggests we play songs i don't even remember. i realize i can't remember any songs at the moment. onstage arguments ensue. looking really professional. before we play a note, i black out.

now the show is over and i'm in a large parking lot. i'm trying to argue with some of the guys that the show wasn't real, because the dates were wrong. "i don't think it even happened." they are not amused and i can tell it didn't go well. i walk over to the rental place. i'm asking about my refrigerator ufo but the guy says they have no such thing. after trying to convince him for a while i debate renting a car and threaten to walk the entire way home.

a guy from back in the day who looks like an unshaven dane cook shows up. he asks if i hit the weed shop. i told him i forgot all about it. so we walk across the parking lot and head in. i tell the guy behind the counter that i just want some gummies but unshaven dane cook is showing me all the latest gadgets and options. he shows me some cough drop looking stuff with a tiny white pill in the same package. another that you pull out like a small drawer with a trigger that lights a fire on its own. then big pre-wrapped smokes in all shapes and sizes. i buy a random assortment out of peer pressure. we walk back outside and find a crowd of people waiting by a sign. unshaven dane cook pulls out a big fattie and starts smoking it. he hands it to me. it looks like a freshly made wet burrito that is so overstuffed the sausage is rolling out and it's completely coming apart at one end. it gets passed back and forth a few times before someone says "that's not legal here".

i am now in the car with the apostle dudes. i'm still holding the wet burrito and telling them i don't think the show even happened. i ask them how bad it was. corey takes a hit and says, holding most of his breath in "it's not the worst steve janiak performance i've seen". everyone laughs.

i suddenly remember my wife drove to the show. i call her and ask why she didn't wait for me. "i got hungry" she says. she's telling me she's at a local dennys. i ask the address but the phone starts breaking up. i am pretty sure she is pretending and just blowing into the phone.

at some point later i am in a home for people struggling with some kind of mental problems. i am talking to a psychiatrist and laying out how i messed up as a kid and ran away from home. it's all very emotional and i feel like i'm getting some things off my chest. a door buzzes at the back of the building and a bunch of troubled youth come through the door and down the hall followed by two women. one of the kids swipes my cd off the table as he passes by. i just happen to see this out of the corner of my eye. i push my way through the kids and scream "little fucker!" or something as i yank the cd out of his hand. one of the ladies immediately points to the door and yells "YOU'RE OUT OF HERE". i grab my backpack and tell her off in colorful language. she goes on to put me on blast and tell me what a joke i am, that i "pay through the nose" for all these services and get nowhere. everyone laughs.

i walk into another room and completely lose my shit. i am yelling about never having been talked to that way before. i'm screaming at the top of my lungs, slowly and emphatically, and snot is flying out of my nose. a woman walks in to try to calm me down. then kellyanne conway comes in right behind her with some kleenex. suddenly i wake up.

the end?

Monday, August 6, 2018

hijacked & kidnapped in europe


i was on a group tour going through europe. some of the same people from our africa trip were on the bus. there were lots of laughs and good times. we drove over some incredibly high mountain range and it acted like a roller coaster.

at the next big city, it seemed like we took a wrong turn. we came to the end of a darkened street, and as we were about to turn left, a large man with a machine gun demanded we get out of the vehicle. they took our phones and wallets and put us all in a living room of a nearby house with some woman to keep an eye on us. we could see them going through our stuff out the window. i tried come up with some plan to get us out of this situation but came up empty. i even argued with the woman and struck her across the face. she said they were going to torture and kill me when they found out.

she went outside to get someone, so i ran to a door in the house and opened it. it was a bathroom. i tried to find a place to hide, but they were going to find me. there was another door on the opposite side of the bathroom and it went to a hallway connecting other apartments or living areas. i found a locked door and kicked it in. there was a girl in this room, maybe 11 years old. she started to scream so i put her in a headlock until she passed out. i grabbed her phone and texted my wife. (who was somehow at work and not on the trip).

TEXT: hey, it's me, steve! we are kidnapped and these men have our stuff. pls use this GPS information and contact the police!

i hid for a while as my heart raced (in real life) and finally heard sirens. the men were arguing over who was taking what when the police finally arrived. i ran out and found my backpack among the loot, they hadn't found my ipad or laptop. i couldn't believe it. there was more to it but i can't remember.

then i woke up

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

corpses in my basement, jackpot spin, arcade store

dreams from this morning: 

I was somehow involved in the accidental death of a friend. I hid the corpse in my basement so I didn’t get into trouble. Someone else found out and had a similar situation so they used that leverage to pressure me into putting that corpse in my basement also. Eventually it happened again and again and there were five corpses in my basement. I was riddled with anxiety over what to do about them all, either chop them up and dissolve them (and risk getting caught) or turn myself in. Eventually I turned myself in and knew I would do time, and all the co-conspirators would be arrested.

Later in another sequence I was at a casino / arcade with Mike Naish. I sat down at a slot machine and put in my last $50. Mike sat down next to me and to be funny started hammering the spin button over and over. I started to flip out and curse until, on the third spin, we hit for $50,000. 

Then in the next dream I won a bunch of credits in the arcade, and was shopping using the credits, buying unique collectibles and vintage books, until I woke up halfway through and realized I was dreaming and couldn’t actually take it all home.