Thursday, February 20, 2014

russian taste tester, vinnie vincent, pregnant teens, doggie doo

after yesterday's dream recall, i make a mental note to try and remember again this morning. thanks to waking up several times and emailing myself details, i have bits and pieces.

russian taste tester

the first one involves me on a giant russian (soviet?) cruise ship. there is a massive ballroom with marble floors that are immaculately shiny. on all four sides of the ballroom are marble steps leading up to another tier. on both the left and right are soldiers lined up in formation, going back as far as the eye can see. in front of me are a row of chefs with rolling food carts. probably 20 or 30 of them. i am walking up to them and there is a great anticipation. i have to try the food. for the soldiers, the leaders, or a king? i have no idea. but i'm pretty sure i could die if someone poisoned the food. except i am more or less convinced no one would do it front of soldiers. so i go along taking bites and chewing with furrowed brow, until i smile at the soldiers and the chefs and everyone claps that i am not dead. i'm moving down to the next chef. same food: salmon with green beans. yuck. there must be a king who lovers salmon. then i hear a noise in the actual kitchen and i wake up.

vinnie vincent, the south pacific, canals & pregnant teens

bits and pieces of this sort of fall into a story. i'm sitting in an apartment trying to tell a local metal dude from a popular doom metal band a story about recording with vinnie vincent. vinnie is notoriously difficult to work with and as i get started on the story someone else in the room says something and they start a different conversation altogether. i, on the other hand, am transported back in time to some weird south pacific country that has canals instead of streets. i am there working with vinnie vincent and he has pissed me off somehow so i left the 'mobile tour bus recording studio'. i know there was a huge chunk of dream about dealing with him but i can't recall any of it now. anyhow, i'm out climbing around in the alley like a ninja. i have no shoes on but i am scaling large walls using my fingers and toes. this must be to get out the frustration of working with a giant douchebag.

finally i am on the main canal, perusing the small shops (there are nice sidewalks). a taxi boat pulls up and i see a group of teenagers gather to get on. there are two blonde girls at the front. the wind blows one of the blonde's hair back and she has a big, weirdly shaped bald spot / scar on the back of her head. she grabs the hair and covers the spot, seemingly embarrassed. i can see she is very, very pregnant but she looks all of 15 (we'll call her Preg). somehow i make a joke about her bald spot scar that gets many laughs, and we all start talking. we hang out somewhere and decide that the pregnant girl's sister (we'll call her Nopreg, who is probably 14) and i should pretend to be dating. at this point i realize i must be about 22 years old or something, because they are actually talking to me (or they could be vinnie vincent fans, i don't know). we all end up at a small diner and everyone is telling stories and laughing. all my jokes go over like gangbusters. i finally realize on the way out that a group of old people, specifically an old woman with cartoon-like, curmudgeonly features, are giving me the stinkeye. they initially were mad about the laughter (it offends them)... but now the old woman is using her evil gaze to tell me i am too old for the 14 year old girl. i stare back at her and say something to the effect of "you know you like it, you dirty coot". her face goes sour. we leave.

we get back to their house and there is some confusion in the kitchen. it looks like a bunch of peanut butter has been spread on the floor in the corner, but in little piles. they are saying they don't know what it is but i know what it is, it's doggie doo. lots of laughter ensues... and then something something about doggie doo in the coffee maker, which i can't remember at all.

eventually i'm tired and lay down in the upstairs bedroom. it's all pink and white and frilly. i'm starting to doze off and Preg comes in. she is mad that her and i are not pretending to be dating. i'm not sure what the hell to say. she starts ripping off her prom gown (?) and eventually is screaming at me all naked, standing over me on the bed. telling me it's because she is pregnant. i tell her that, obviously, her hormones are off the charts. this only seems to make it worse. she starts making some groaning / whining / crying sound and squats over the bed, threatening to have the baby right there. Nopreg finally busts in the room and gets jealous and starts yelling.

i can't quite remember the next few parts, as i was tossing and turning. but eventually there was some sort of 'rock and roll band music fair', and i saw the band Protest the Hero (?) playing ping pong on a vertical table, with one guy suspended in the air. what.

the end?

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