Movie Review: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

tonight's feature: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014) on Shudder
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night 43 #31NightsofHalloween

Despite getting high marks from critics, The Taking of Deborah Logan still took a lot of flack for being born out of the found footage genre. Me? I thought the film wouldn't have worked quite so well without it.

A team of students set out to film a documentary about an elderly woman suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's disease, but they end up with something else entirely... entirely sinister!

After a rather pedestrian start it became so gripping I could not look away. It was an excellent portrayal by Jill Larson as the possessed & struggling Deborah Logan. Except for a very few minor details, it was a near perfect horror movie. Or maybe I was just eager to like something after the abysmal 'They Look Like People' the night before? No one may ever know for sure, but The Taking of Deborah Logan should be considered an essential horror film from the last decade. 9.5 piles of worm and dirt puke out of 10.

Movie Review: They Look Like People (2015)

tonight's feature: They Look Like People (2015) on Shudder
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night 42 #31NightsofHalloween

I can't lie. I hated this movie. I could not get into it, I hated the premise and the acting and everything about it. Especially the ending. I feel like this should come with a warning label: "The biggest waste of time of your life, BMV waiting excluded". The producer, writer, editor, and director should all be barred from releasing films. That will be made easier since it was all one man, Perry Blackshear. But really, They Look Like People is just essentially the story of an early Alex Jones where some man suffering delusions thinks everyone is an evil monster and there is a war coming. Maybe we do have a mental health crisis in America (or the world) but this movie doesn't really do anything for anyone except make them want to smash their tv. I feel bad for the actors in this so I will give it 1 dumb conspiracy theory out of 10.

Movie Review: The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015)

tonight's feature: The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015) on Showtime
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night 41 #31NightsofHalloween

The Blackcoat's Daughter is a twisted little possession story that winds its way through several timelines before coughing up the big reveal. Written and directed by Osgood Perkins (son of Anthony Perkins of Psycho fame) the film is an atmospheric slow-burn that unravels a tale that gets darker and darker as it goes along. The premise was relatively simple but the narrative was crafty and complicated.
Rose thinks she is pregnant and decides to stay at the Catholic boarding school over break. Kat dreams her parents are dead. They never show up to pick her up for the break. Both are left behind with a few nuns. Later we see Joan is on the run and escaped from a mental institution. A man and woman offer her a ride after finding her alone at a bus stop. These two stories eventually intersect in a grisly albeit slightly confusing climax. The Blackcoat's Daughter is the kind of movie that leaves a menacing cloud of doom in the air for a few hours after it ends. 8 decapitated heads around a boiler out of 10.

Movie Review: Relic (2020)

tonight's feature: Relic (2020) on Showtime
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night 40 #31NightsofHalloween

Relic was what you might call a 'Debby Downer' (no offense to my friends named Debby). Losing both my parents over the span of 7 terrible months is something that still haunts me and this Australian movie had a lot of parallels. Relic was basically the equivalent of watching someone slowly lose themselves: their memories, their faculties, their health and the will to live. Kay and her daughter Sam travel back to visit her mother, Edna, who has gone missing. She turns up and seems functionally out of it with a large black bruise on her chest. The movie drags on with some nightmares, growing mold, confusion and depression as we watch Edna not be herself, and something evil lurking all the while. Eventually you think this is what it feels when someone goes insane, but later you realize it might be you who is going insane. Eventually things reach peak insanity before a "what the hell was that?" finale.

I can't say I enjoyed the movie, since it was constantly reminding me of something too close to home. It was horrifying, but not in a fun, entertainment-value way. More like a giant mirror reflecting the existential dread and utter despair that comes with the loss of your family. 6 stained glass windows covered in mold out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn (2021)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn (2021) on Showtime
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night 39 #31NightsofHalloween

Well, the joke's on me. I thought Wrong Turn was just a funny name for a movie... it turns out Wrong Turn is actually a reboot of a series 6 movies deep! How I missed every single one of them is not a huge mystery, I don't pay attention to most things unless there's a cat, some beer, guitar riffs or sweepstakes involved.

This Wrong Turn involves a decades old cult called The Foundation, living on a mountain, hidden from the world being freaky-deaky weirdos since the American civil war. The mostly annoying big city 20-something main characters, vacationing deep in Appalachia, step off the hiking trail and end up in the clutches of these bizarro nutjobs and of course it's awful. The weirdest thing about this film is that I hated it... until it hit the halfway point. The kids were annoying, the pacing was weird, the story seemed predictable, the cult leaders had very fancy haircuts and dumb accents... and then it somehow became compelling and got better and better as it picked up speed. The twist ending was even more rewarding.

So now I am required by law to watch the first 6 films and report back. In the meantime I'll give this Wrong Turn 7.9 carefully hidden, spikey human traps out of 10.

Mom & Dad in Vegas / Robert Stack is an asshole

dream this morning:

i met my parents in las vegas for a trip. as soon as they landed dad went off to find a bathroom and mom wanted to hit the dispensary. (she never touched any illegal drugs in her life) we found one in the airport and they sold snacks and other food, but the cashier's window was closed. we were able to find a couple girls at an adjacent business who agreed to ring everything up for us. there were cakes, potato chips, bottled water and edibles. i made some jokes about eating all the food. mom told me that actor robert stack was going to be making an appearance at some bar and i needed to go down there. i told her she should go back to where we left dad so he didn't get lost.

i get to this bar and it's basically in someone's basement. it has a cheap wood paneled bar with some cheap wood paneled shelves behind it. there's a small sink and a basement window above it. i am waiting for robert stack and a few other people straggle in. stack eventually arrives, wearing some blue silk pajamas. anyway, he gets into an argument with the bartender before even greeting everyone who came to see him. he gets mad and goes outside, into a fenced-in backyard. he is pacing back and forth, talking. maybe on the phone with his agent or something. it seems like i confronted him but i can't remember.

suddenly my wife and i are in a big city, standing under an awning at the entrance of a swanky hotel. my wife is relating this story to an older gentleman. she asks me about the details on the time that famous actor came to that hotel. i go on to tell this guy how he was pretty much an asshole and my mom never got to meet him. he asks what his name was, and i say "robert stack, from unsolved mysteries" "oh, that's me" then i realize that i'm talking to an older version of robert stack and he seems very irritated.
then i woke up.

Movie Review: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019)

tonight's feature: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019) on Showtime
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night 38 #31NightsofHalloween

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark was decent, but a tad underwhelming for a Guillermo del Toro production. Maybe just right for a bunch of Taylor Swift tweeners but a little LIGHT ON THE FRIGHT for a grown ass manly man. But I get grumpy sometimes, maybe it was just amazing and I wasn't ready for it? We'll probably never know.

Based on the children's book series of the same name, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark wrapped its own narrative around many of said stories which basically involved a cursed storybook that created 'new' stories on the fly (in blood!) by the ghost of a mistreated girl from 100 years ago... that torment the characters of the current movie timeline... uh... Did I mention the movie is set in 1968? Anyway, there is quite a bit of fantasy wrapped up in the stories so you may or may not dig that aspect. I didn't hate it, so that's a small victory. 7 body parts of jangly man reuniting multiple times out of 10.

Movie Review: The Hole in the Ground (2019)

tonight's feature: The Hole in the Ground (2019) on Showtime
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night 37 #31NightsofHalloween

The Hole in the Ground was a well done and spooky film, despite the generic title. I assume anything can be made into a horror with a title like that. The Guy Who Couldn't Stop Farting. The Dangerous Pothole Covered Small Town. The Turbulent Flight. I could do this all day. They apparently call this the "sinister child" subgenre, any time there's a sinister child, or what might be considered a sinister child, it qualifies. I can think of a few sinister children (new band name?) that I've encountered during my time.

Sarah and her son Christopher have moved out to the Irish countryside. The boy is scared of spiders and is dealing with some issues along with his "mummy". They almost hit a terrifying old lady driving down the road and this event kicks off the weirdness festival. Eventually Sarah finds a massive hole in the ground deep in the woods. She tells Christopher to stay away from it, but finds him missing late one night. She walks to the hole and looks everywhere but can't find him. Except when she gets back to the house to call the police, he is already there. OR IS HE? Once she sneaks a peek at him eating spiders, all bets are off.

I won't ruin the rest of the movie but if you like slow moving, creeper peeper, spider-eating children, twilight zone-ish mystery-horrors, this film will be right up your alley. Bonus guest appearance by Game of Thrones Commander Mormont. 8 mirrors hanging on every wall out of 10.

Movie Review: The Rental (2020)

tonight's feature: The Rental (2020) on Showtime
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night 36 #31NightsofHalloween

The Rental was a great slasher flick, it completely oozed a sense of unease from the start that never let go. Two couples rent a seaside home for their weekend getaway and end up realizing they are being watched. Things go from bad to worse as they figure out someone is actually coming for them. The creep factor is very high and this film should make you nervously double check your next Airbnb for remote cameras. The Rental came out during the pandemic lockdown, but if we're lucky they will make a sequel as this has potential written all over it. 8.5 hidden showerhead cameras out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

tonight's feature: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) on Showtime
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night 35 #31NightsofHalloween

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers was better than Halloween 5 (by a mile) and on par with the terrible level of Halloween 4. An entirely new family of Strodes living in yet a different "Michael Myers" house. But this time we get the backstory on the Thorn cult who somehow created the evil Michael something something. It was funny seeing Paul Rudd acting ridiculous in his first feature film (as Tommy Doyle, the grown up version of a kid in the original), and of course there were way too many head scratching moments. The ending was even more dumb, if that is possible. I guess I will need to watch the Producer's Cut version to see what they edited and reshot, but that will probably be even more painful to sit through. 4 injections of unknown yellow fluid into Michael Myers back out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

tonight's feature: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) on Shudder
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night 34 #31NightsofHalloween

(SPOILERS and RANTING) I've got to admit, Halloween 5 is pretty damn epic. Epically terrible. Heaps upon heaps of awful. Mixed in there somewhere is what should have been a decent little horror story. Yes, I knew all that going in and even expected it, but I thought, "how bad can it really be?" Well, it's a festival of OPEs, OOFs and WOOPSIES.

We have the return of little Jamie, who I thought did some murdering at the end of the last movie. She's lost her voice now and lives in a hospital. Michael escapes(?) or whatever and he's got the mark of the beast or something, but he must destroy this little girl. Why? Not sure yet, will have to wait for the next movie.

Anyway, perpetually trenchcoated Dr. Loomis is now reduced to a deranged, nagging doomsayer. He hovers around Jamie and since she is telepathically linked to Michael, he's hounding her for info. "Where is he?! Why are you hiding him?! aaaaah!" Calm down, Loomis, you're harshing my buzz.

Some of Halloween 5's worst offenses include Michael Myers driving vehicles. Not only does he kill the local Fonzie, but he takes his muscle car and picks up Tina, AT THE CORRECT TIME FOR THEIR DATE... wearing a totally different mask. She eventually gets tired of the silent treatment and makes him stop for cigarettes. At this point I am wondering why she didn't at least give him a handy? Would have really classed up the movie. Tina gets busted by the cops and he drives off... TO THE BIG PARTY. Who gave him directions? and who the shit taught him how to drive? I know he drove in the first movie, but that was absurd also. He was institutionalized at age 6 or whatever. Then he's chasing these kids around in the muscle car, trying to run them over. Later he's driving a cop car. So dumb. At the party some guy has the same mask and work onesie as Michael and there is a romp in the barn. Instead of tricking the girl into having some Myers standard-issue missionary, he waits until they're doing it to do his own poking, with a pitchfork. Throw in some bad comedy from the Laurel & Hardy of local cops for no reason.

I'm not sure I can even address all these issues unless I intend on sitting here typing all day long. Loomis tells Michael to go to his old house, except it's not the same house from the first film, what? Loomis leaves Jamie in the house with yet another dumbshit cop.

Jamie hides in the laundry chute and presumably falls into the basement, but the chute is 'locked' at the bottom? Michael comes down several flights of stairs in a few seconds and gets the bottom opened up and starts stabbing the thing, she manages to crawl up to the next level and escape after not being able to move at all. Sure, man, whatever.

Eventually Jamie ends up in the attic, where Michael has many lit candles(?), dead body trophies and a little coffin for her? She decides to lie down in the coffin? uhh, no. Michael comes to stab her and she calls him "uncle boogeyman" or something, so he stops and takes his mask off.. AND CRIES LIKE A BABY.. before getting back into his regular rage. Later Loomis uses Jamie as bait and lures Michael under a netting made of chains, drops them, then shoots him full of tranquilizers(?) and finally passes out on top of him. THEN we see Michael in jail, WEARING HIS MASK, until this mysterious man in black shows up and blows up everyone to help him escape. The end?

What were they smoking when they pooped out this turd? Going to have to assume it was banana peels. I'm not a film genius but I might have at least scratched my head at some of this dreck before the cameras rolled. Dismal. 3 Michael Myers actual tears out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

tonight's feature: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) on Shudder
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night 33 #31NightsofHalloween

Halloween 4 is a weird movie. They decided the Michael Myers story was played out after 2 films and came back with the weirding ways of Halloween 3, but the drop off in ticket sales caused a change of heart. "Bring back Mike!" someone probably shouted. So 10 years after the original and 8 years after the sequel we get the spinoff "Thorn Trilogy" of Halloween 4, 5 and 6. This being the first of the three, it doesn't really divulge too much, except that now Michael has returned to Haddonfield to kill a little girl, the daughter of Laurie Strode. We don't know why, but we do know that if you get in his way, he will throw you into a power plant grid, or poke his entire hand through your jawline. I have to admit, the mask looks a little goofy in some shots. But the 1980s hairdos of the younger characters more than make up for it in nostalgia points. The end landed like a dud on this old fart critic, but maybe you felt otherwise. On to Halloween 5 tonight, wish me luck. 6 rooftop chase scenes out of 10.

Movie Review: Blood Vessel (2019)

tonight's feature: Blood Vessel (2019) on Shudder
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night 32 #31NightsofHalloween

What makes a movie great? I have no idea and neither did the writers & producers of Blood Vessel. They can take the automatic winning formula of vampires & nazis on a nazi boat and somehow make it lame. How lame? Well you start with a life raft full of international characters who can't seem to get along to save their lives, pepper them with ham-fisted, stereotypical dialogue, and try to make the audience care. Just about the time you nod off, they find out there are some real life, bat-faced ancient vampires onboard. Things get cookin' and suddenly people start dyin'. Oh yeah, the main vampire can control your mind if you get bitten. Kind of an unfair advantage, if you ask me. Pretty soon they realize they are all effed in the bhole and there's only one option to end this nightmare. Can they pull it off? Well you'll have to watch it and let me know. Still, it wasn't "terrible" terrible, just weaker than it should have been. Bonus points for the movie poster being better than the movie. 6 vampire nazi boats that I should have cared more about out of 10.