Movie Review: The Hallow (2015)

tonight's feature: The Hallow (2015) on Prime
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night 86 #31NightsofHalloween

The Hallow is considered an Irish “eco-themed” horror and the evil spirits are repeatedly called “bad fairies” in reviews but I call it “a pretty damn effective movie” that I "would recommend." Adam & Claire move to the remote Irish village nestled near a large forest with their baby boy Finn. Adam does some biological conservational-type science work and has the superstitious locals spooked about upsetting the spirits of the forest. Unfortunately for Adam, they’re not just superstitions. Quickly the angry spirits are after them and the baby. If you’re not careful, they’ll poke you in the eye and ‘turn you’ into one of them. Which sucks, but it looks like you can still rescue babies in that condition.

Overall the mood was great in the Hallow and the bad fairies were gnarly. I did have a couple quibbles with the story, but I talked myself out of bringing them up. 8 sticky piles of black, intelligent, evil fungus out of 10.

Movie Review: ATM (2012)

tonight's feature: ATM (2012) on Prime
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night 85 #31NightsofHalloween

ATM is a Christmas time movie about three people getting trapped inside a little ATM kiosk, sort of an aquarium for people who need to withdraw some cash, by a murderous psychopath. Also one of many movies where if you caught the trailer, you’ve already seen 90% of the movie. We spend most of the time trying to figure out why the faceless guy with the winter coat is trying to terrorize people but we never find out. It feels like maybe they thought this could be a horror franchise? I can’t say I wouldn’t watch another one, but only to find out if it’s as tedious and strangely pointless as this one. 5 clip-on patron saint trinkets out of 10.

Movie Review: While She Was Out (2008)

tonight's feature: While She Was Out (2008) on Prime
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night 84 #31NightsofHalloween

(SPOILERS) While She Was Out was a peculiar little film only released in 5 theaters throughout Texas in 2008. Why? Guessing the inane plot twists didn’t test well and the dialogue was considered “somewhere between kindergarten and film school.” This film could almost have been summarized as “an abused suburban housewife tangles with murderous, would-be gang-bangers over a shitty parking job outside a packed shopping mall on Christmas eve” or simply “She almost got killed over a parking spot.”

Della, who’s husband is terrible and violent, takes off to get some more wrapping paper for christmas. While trying to find a parking space, she gets upset and leaves a shitty note on a car that’s taking two spaces. When she returns to the vehicle to leave, a bunch of teenagers decide they’re going to steal her money or kidnap her or rape her or something. A rent-a-cop shows up and gets killed by the ‘gang’. Della takes off in the vehicle and the chase begins. First she crashes into some material in a construction zone of new homes. She grabs a toolbox and hides. The gang shows up and tries to kill her, but she escapes into the woods. One of the gang members dies in the melee and they blame Della. Another 40 minutes of running through the woods with a toolbox and slowly killing the remaining gang members with the various tools, including a lug wrench and screwdriver. Until the end, when it’s just Della and Chuckie (the leader) remaining. Chuckie decides he has the hots for her and tells her she should leave her husband and run away with him. She seems to go along with this and they end up kissing passionately, which is exactly where I said WAIT, NOPE. NO WAY, GTFO.

Whatever goodwill I had going for the movie was completely shattered by this travesty and the next scene, where she implored this guy to have sex with her right there. Ok no. Not in a million years would this ever happen. Yes, she was trying to trick the guy but she killed all his friends and he wanted her dead the entire movie… and of course she was in shock and doing some hardcore murdering. So just stop. Anyway, she lights a flare in his face and takes his gun and shoots him. Then goes home and pulls a gun on her asshole husband. Then the credits roll. I’m sorry if I ruined the movie for you but I just saved you 88 minutes you can use to do something worthwhile instead of yelling at the screen like I did. Best quote from the movie? “There ain’t no gun can kill a spirit gone bad, she’s gone bad.” 3 red toolboxes if you’re being chased out of 10.

Movie Review: Saint Nick (2010)

tonight's feature: Saint Nick (2010) on Prime
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night 83 #31NightsofHalloween

Saint Nick (or Sint, or Saint depending on where you live) is a Dutch dark comedy horror film where Santa is a disgusting, lipless, scar-faced ghost with a small army of “black petes” that come back every December 5th (with a full moon) to kill the shit out of everybody in Amsterdam. I didn’t get too many laughs out of this one, so I’m not sure where the ‘comedy’ comes in, but it was a decent enough film with some gore, a weird backstory and goofy English overdubs. My favorite part is that this Sinterklaas is actually the real Santa story but the one we grew up with is just a large conspiracy to cover up the truth. Saint Nick lops off some heads and stabs his way into our hearts every 23 years, which I think is the adequate amount of time required before a sequel should be allowed to drop. Parts of the movie felt a little forced but I didn’t hate it. Still, it should have been better. 6 explosive kamikaze boat attacks on Saint Nick’s ship out of 10.

Movie Review: The Day of the Beast (1995)

tonight's feature: The Day of the Beast (1995) on Shudder
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night 82 #31NightsofHalloween

The Day of the Beast is very likely the best Christmas movie that came out in 1995. I don’t have any way to prove that but after watching it I can say it feels like something I’ve always needed in my life. This Spanish “black comedy horror” is about as rip roaring as a long acid trip with your buddies that goes completely off the rails. That makes more sense when you consider Jose Maria, a death metal dude who’s holding a bunch of acid, (and feeding it to his pants-less grandpa) gets roped into a mission to stop the birth of the antichrist in Madrid on Christmas eve. Father Ángel Berriartúa comes into the record shop and is looking for the most satanic record he can find, trying to figure out any clue where this antichrist will be born. He ends up staying at a hostel owned by Jose’s mom and they decide to kidnap a local tv psychic/celebrity to summon the devil for more details. Saying things go off the rails is a vast understatement. All three end up tripping balls as the adventure kicks into high gear, heading to the tv studio, the underground metal club, chasing down some virgin blood, getting chased by the cops, hanging from the side of a building, berating a crowd at a Nostradamus symposium, and meeting with a goat inside a pentagram, etc. That’s pretty much all I needed to make it my favorite Spanish language Christmas antichrist movie ever. 9 satanic demo tapes out of 10.

Movie Review: The Gingerdead Man (2005)

tonight's feature: The Gingerdead Man (2005) on Tubi
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night 81 #31NightsofHalloween

The Gingerdead Man was likely dumber than you think it would be, with the surprising caveat that all the baking or candy or cookie related puns (along with the aggressively foul-mouthed and predictably ridiculous antagonist) actually made me laugh more than I groaned. I typically loathe horror comedies but sometimes I can’t hate them because they are just so absurd I end up chuckling like an inmate at the asylum. Granted, this is exactly the type of movie my 13 year old self would have written (minus the throwaway love story and probably all the backstory).

Insane killer Millard Findlemeyer (played by one Gary Busey) murders several members of a family while robbing a diner called Cadillac Jack’s. Later he is put in prison and dies by electric chair only to have his ashes sent to his mother, who happens to be a witch. She puts said ashes into a mix of gingerbread spice and sends it to the girl who helped put him away, who also happens to run a bakery with her alcoholic mom. Yadda yadda yadda, he is reincarnated as an evil gingerbread man, who shouts a lot and shoots like a stormtrooper. At one point he is driving a car with the help of some rolling pins and that should have been the ending, but he needs revenge or something, so he sticks around for many laughs and much mayhem.

So basically at some point the makers of horror films will run out of innocuous things to make evil (snow men, santa claus, gingerbread men, elves, etc) and we’ll finally get to something new? Don’t hold your breath. For the lulz alone I give this Christmas barf 3 ladyfingers out of 10.

Movie Review: A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

tonight's feature: A Christmas Horror Story (2015) on Shudder
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night 80 #31NightsofHalloween

A Christmas Horror Story was actually four grisly Christmas themed horror stories. Some of them being better than others. All the bouncing around between stories is probably the saving grace of the film. You’ve got the teens and the ghost murder story, the Krampus killed your family story, the couple who took home a changeling instead of their son story, and the Santa vs Krampus and the undead elves story. Interwoven through them all is the alcoholic radio DJ doing an overnight Christmas shift (played by William Shatner). Shifting from story to story kept things from getting too boring and the big twist ending was probably the best part of the entire flick. 7.5 obscene elf insults out of 10.

Movie Review: The Advent Calendar (2020)

tonight's feature: The Advent Calendar (2020) on Shudder
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night 79 #31NightsofHalloween

The Advent Calendar is a trippy French film that makes you wonder if someone slipped you some mushrooms before you sat down to watch it. At first it seems a bit silly. An evil advent calendar that grants some wishes and demands sacrifice? I’ve always been of the opinion you can make a horror movie out of anything: The Old Chair. Half a Slice of Pizza. The Teddy Bear. The Chimichanga. All of these could be evil and sinister if you try hard enough.

Eva is a paraplegic former ballerina whose father is suffering from Alzheimer’s. Her friend Sophie gifts her an old advent calendar from a Christmas market in Munich. Turns out there’s an evil spirit or demon or what have you living inside it. I’m not 100% sure but this thing looks like an antique. So if there’s candy in there, it might be super old and nobody would ever eat it. Anyway, there are some rules with this Advent Calendar, don’t toss it in the river, it’ll kill you. Don’t eat the candy unless you’re gonna eat all the candy, or it'll kill you. Don’t get it wet after midnight. Wait, that’s Gremlins. Long story short, if you open this thing, you’re probably gonna get effed in the b hole.

Eva is gung-ho for this thing and eventually she’s all about the magic and getting to walk again, but this creepy demon is gonna make her pay. Despite the ridiculous premise the film was engaging although the ‘careful what you wish for’ theme is pretty played out. The “non-ending” ending felt like lazy writing, and for that I have to give this flick 7 ridiculous premises out of 10.

Movie Review: Jack Frost (1997)

tonight's feature: Jack Frost (1997) on Shudder
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night 78 #31NightsofHalloween

Fans of the B-movie schlock-fest that is Jack Frost (not the Michael Keaton Jack Frost) say things like “Get a sense of humor!” and “I love this movie, I watch it over and over!” while failing to admit it has possibly the dumbest premise ever, some of the worst writing and acting caught on film and that they personally may have suffered some sort of brain injury as a child. Seriously, I tried very hard to justify watching this abomination and not even punching myself worked. It could have been funny, but it wasn’t. Watching it was akin to being yelled at while you were in the middle of a painful surgery. Although I forced myself to the bitter end, I was only left with regret. RIP 89 minutes of my life.

Set in the fictional, butthole town of Snowmonton, a serial killer being transported in a prison vehicle ends up in a crash with a truck carrying “genetic research” goo, and he dissolves and becomes part of the snow. But he's not any ordinary snow, his DNA is fused with the snow and he's a powerful snowman murder machine, able to change himself from snow to water to ice blah blah blah. He's like Frosty the Snowman with an axe, but infinitely dumber.

Maybe if I was 13 years old and still then probably not. The bathroom scene was something people hyped up and even it was abysmal. This is the kind of movie you can only watch if you intend on becoming stupid on purpose. The kind of movie that makes you reassess your entire life and how you've wasted it. I feel sorry for the production crew and actors. Ultimately I want my money back. There is also a sequel, which begs the question: is there anything worse than Jack Frost? I am afraid to know the answer. Only because Shannon Elizabeth is in this, I will give it 1 carrot boner out of 10.

Movie Review: Better Watch Out (2016)

tonight's feature: Better Watch Out (2016) on Shudder
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night 77 #31NightsofHalloween

Better Watch Out is a delicious mindwarp of a Christmas horror movie about a babysitter under siege by an insane psychopath. The film takes the typical ‘babysitter stuck in the house with a killer’ shtick and turns it on its head, culminating in more and more shocking surprises before the big ending. It also features the most annoying tweener of all time. I’ve never wanted to punch a kid in the face more than I did watching this movie. There's a lot of talk these days about every kid getting a participation trophy and kids getting soft or needy or what have you, but this kid is extra special.

Twelve year old Luke Lerner decides he’s going to finally have sex with his seventeen year old babysitter Ashley and can’t wait until his parents head out for the night. (Although 12 seems a little old for a babysitter in my experience) Anyways, after busting out a bottle of champagne, acting a fool and getting turned down, the peace is broken by a brick through the window. Things never get back to normal from that point on.

I can’t really divulge much more without ruining the story. A lot of people complained loudly about the plot and I get it. Suffice to say it pays off in multiple ways I didn’t expect and for that I can recommend Better Watch Out with 9 puffs of smoke through a hole in your cheek out of 10.

Movie Review: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

tonight's feature: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) on Tubi
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night 76 #31NightsofHalloween

Silent Night, Deadly Night: a movie about what happens when traumatized children are repeatedly punished by overly harsh nuns with a broken religion. Just kidding, little Billy watches his parents get murdered by a guy in a Santa suit, so he ends up in an orphanage and gets triggered whenever he sees anything Santa related. Then one fateful day his boss asks him to dress up as Santa for the toy store and of course he becomes a cold blooded killer. If you haven’t been naughty, he may hand you a bloody box cutter, but otherwise, you must be punished.

Silent Night, Deadly Night got a lot of press for the controversy back in 1984. A serial killer dressed as Santa Claus was too taboo for America. The television ads were pulled 6 days before release and the film was eventually pulled from the theaters entirely. Nobody wanted their kids scared of Santa and people protested and made a big stink about it. Movie reviewers got in on the action too, including Gene Siskel, who castigated the production crew with a scalding “Shame on you!” on air. Even Leonard Maltin said “What’s next? The Easter Bunny as a child molester?”

The film itself feels amateurish. The acting is clunky and the dialogue is hokey, but the concept is brilliant. The movie took so long to establish the annoying backstory that it might have worked better to see it in flashbacks, so we could get to the frights right away. I especially love the idea that there’s a Santa suited serial killer on the loose and the cops just go shooting willy nilly at anyone dressed as Santa on Christmas. Look out Santas!

Don’t even get me started on the soundtrack. Whew! Someone picked some brutally terrible tunes. I hope that was intentional. I am still trying to process the fact that there are SIX films in this franchise, but I’m guessing when I get done I will merely blurt out “WHAT THE HELL?” in exasperation. Likewise, I am definitely not ready for that ride yet. The ending also felt like the screenwriter tripped and fell down some stairs as he was about to finish. Anyways, great idea, not so great execution. Some of the film was legit and for that I’ll give it 5 nuns whipping up some punishment out of 10.

Movie Review: Black Christmas (1974)

tonight's feature: Black Christmas (1974) on Shudder
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night 75 #31NightsofHalloween

Black Christmas was always a bucket list film for me. Highly influential as an early slasher flick that went on to inspire John Carpenter’s Halloween, this 1974 Canadian cult classic is considered by some to be one of the greatest horror films ever made. I don’t know about all of that, but I do think it holds up pretty well. Some of those 1970s movies can seem pretty tedious at points and Black Christmas, despite the cult status, has its dull moments.

Inspired by the urban legend "The babysitter and the man upstairs", where a stalker calls the babysitter from inside the home, Black Christmas is about a sorority house where a creepy killer is shacked up in the attic with his victims, constantly making disturbing and obscene phone calls to the girls downstairs before they end up murdered, one by one.

I know it’s nit-picky but how did you call your own house in the 1970s? Maybe they had two phone lines? The entire premise would’ve been impossible after the advent of caller ID. For my money’s worth though, the bigger questions remain unanswered: If Clare was missing for so long, why didn’t anyone even think to check the attic? Did they check the basement? Why did Jess not leave the house when Sergeant Nash told her to walk out the door? Was Peter’s rage caused by years of frustration at the piano? Why did Mrs. MacHenry feel the need to so desperately hide her alcoholism? How do we know Claude (the house cat) didn’t commit the murders? Who the hell are Agnes and Billy?

One thing I did learn after watching Black Christmas, if you kill someone, just set their body in an upper window because no one ever bothers to look up there. 7 obscene phone call threats out of 10.

Movie Review: Scanners (1981)

tonight's feature: Scanners (1981) on HBOMax
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night 74 #31NightsofHalloween

Scanners is an absolute classic scifi horror film that I somehow managed to avoid my entire life. On first glance, you might think this 1981 masterpiece is just about exploding heads, trench coats and mind reading. But this is Cronenberg at his disturbing best.

In this dystopian hellscape, human telepaths known as "scanners" are weaponized by multinational corporations for nefarious purposes. Homeless man and scanner Cameron Vale is captured by ConSec Corporation, given a drug called Ephemerol to control his telepathy, and set on a mission to locate a renegade scanner named Darryl Revok. It turns out there are underground scanner groups across the country and Revok is intent on controlling or killing them all.

Not sure how much I can buy into the idea of a scanner hacking computer systems using their minds but whatever. This gripping story had the early 80s flair and pacing of a spy thriller. I was kind of surprised at how much I enjoyed Scanners and stoked to find out about the existence of a number of sequels. I guess there was a reboot in the works in 2007 that never got off the ground. I was also shocked to realize that the bearded and bespectacled Dr. Ruth was actually played by the Prisoner's Patrick McGoohan. Very appropriate. 8.8 exploding skulls out of 10.