Saturday, July 25, 2015
The Chips Were Mine, Dawg
Jul 25, 2015 10:44am so I had this ridiculous dream where I was on some cruise ship trying to carry an obscene amount of loose potato chips in my folded arms across a crowded room to a table. as I'm walking, my friend Tommy Miller reaches out to snag some and I get mad, because clearly I am carrying this precious cargo for an important mission. As I finally get to the table, he runs up and again reaches across me for a handful as I drop them. Naturally, I angrily palm his face and shove him to the floor. Some kid videos the entire thing and put it online, and it goes viral. Soon the entire world is watching this video and calling for a boycott of me and my entities. Someone interviews me and they cut out the parts where I said I felt bad and overreacted, and constantly replay the part where I say "the chips were mine, dawg". Poor Tommy is allegedly in the hospital and I never find out if he's ok. I start getting death threats. I pass by a tv and realize that they are arguing how to punish me on CNN and ESPN and the like. I'm still on the cruise ship and people start to follow and heckle me. At some point I have a piece of pizza in one hand and a small salad in the other, and two douchebag renegades try to antagonize me , one puts his hand on my pizza while the other puts his hand in the salad. A crowd of people and cameras wait for me to explode. I scream "WTF" and drop the food to leave. This goes on for days and days. Nothing can erase the public perception of me as a violent potato chip hoarder and I'm getting depressed. Finally I wake up and let out a sigh of relief.