Saturday, June 4, 2011

Harper Valley PTA

so there's this lady somewhere south of here (mrs johnson). she likes wearing her skirts up high and getting a little drunk with the boys (if you pick up what i'm puttin' down). she lost her husband. she's got a daughter in middle school.

anyway, this lady sees her daughter not even stopping to play after school. a conversation ensues. the daughter says, "i got a letter from some school board asshole types."

so mom opens the letter and basically the parent-teacher association decided that she (the mom) is kind of a slutty trollop. although it's sad the father died in that car crash (assuming), the entire whorish act to find a suitable replacement father figure for your kid is not appropriate for this stand-up Christian town.

well it just so happens (synchronicity?) that the parent-teacher association is having a meeting that afternoon. would have probably been pretty soon after school because the daughter came straight home with the letter and school ends (as far as i can remember) around 3pm or 3:15pm or something. mom decides to go to the meeting.

assuming she was already wearing her short skirt and all dolled up in the whore make-up (and probably a cut-off shirt) she heads over to the school to give them a piece of her mind. this would have been about 3:30pm or so, depending on how long her initial indignation was.

she gets to the meeting, letter in hand. the meeting itself was most likely already in-progress, since her arrival at the school wasn't until 3:45pmish.

everyone is surprised that she wore the skirt. this was an issue they really all had kind of agreed upon: slut mom should change her slut ways.

after mr schnieder was finished on the budget dissertation, mom walked from the back of the room to the blackboard and grabbed a brand new piece of chalk.

she slowly wrote out each of the names in capital letters as she threw her firebombs of hypocrisy.

"notwithstanding the foregoing, i have received your letter and would like to take this time to address a few of  your members."

"BOBBY TAYLOR, how do you think everyone would take it if they knew you were always trying to get in my pants? would your wife like that? really? how many? one? more like seven, you dick."

"and your wife (DEBBIE TAYLOR) allegedly buying more ice than usual, according to LARRY KLEMCHER at the Stop N Go. CLARENCE from the tire shop swears she only gave him a massage. riiiiight. in his crotch."

"then we have MR PHIL BAKER. hey mr baker, why aren't we talking about your pregnant secretary (Patty) that you murdered and left under that freeway overpass? too soon?"

"has anyone NOT seen widow JONES' videos on youtube? makes my high skirts look like a halo."

"then of course there's MR HARPER, who didn't make this meeting since he's still sleeping off a wicked hangover after a long night of shots at Kelly's Bar."

"need i mention SHIRLEY' THOMPSON'S breath! smells like a bottle of gin took a shit and died in there!"

"and I'M not a good mother?"

"y'all can go fuck y'all selves"

[end scene]

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