Movie Review: Jakob's Wife (2021)

the horror continues... 43 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Jakob's Wife (2021) on Shudder

(SPOILERS?): Jakob's Wife had all the makings of a wickedly great vampire flick, but it tripped and slid right through the blood and into a cheese factory of dumb. I was absolutely onboard with the story of this unfulfilled minister's wife Annie (played by horror legend Barbara Crampton) turning all vampire in her late to mid-life crisis until the halfway point, when things got unbelievable and campy. Like a death knell for any actual remaining scares, the corny moments slapped everything serious around with a big white rubber glove, causing a grimace or a groan. Not to say it didn't try to redeem itself, the movie overall wasn't exactly terrible, I just prefer not to mix my fancy steak dinner with a side of jumbo corn dogs.

The point where the vampire is endlessly bickering with her minister husband and they end up getting it on? Nah. Or when he gives her a joint to help with her blood thirst? Corny. To make matters worse, the movie ends with one of the most terrible outro songs in the history of cinema, a song called "Church" by a band called Kitten. Yuck. I feel bad. I mean, do you want me to laugh while you wink at me or should I be creeped out? Boo on Rotten Tomatoes for not putting the "comedy" tag on this. I'm seeing a lot of reviews online that said they didn't even finish it. Shocker. Side note: some dude named CM Punk is in this for like 3 minutes. 6 bags of supermarket meat department blood out of 10.

Movie Review: Gwen (2018)

the horror continues... 44 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Gwen (2018) on Shudder

Gwen is a British period folk horror drama and about as depressing and bleak as a film can get. Gwen and her sister Mary live with their mother in the greyest and foggiest corner of North Wales. Dad is gone, neighbors die of cholera, Mom gets sick, animals start getting murdered, the quarry people want to take the farm away, etc etc, and that's the good news. The bad news is things are going to get worse for Gwen and little Mary. I'm not sure I really appreciated this movie, although I'm generally a sucker for period pieces. More or less borderline horror with a slew of incredibly unfortunate dramatic events that leaves you feeling like complete shit before the bitter end. Then you're glad it's over with. Anyway, fairly well done for a grim atmospheric period piece. 6 rats in your hen house out of 10.

Movie Review: The Sadness (2021)

the horror continues... 45 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Sadness (2021) on Shudder

The Sadness is the kind of movie your mother warned you about. A terrifying nightmare of a film, where a pandemic flu virus mutates and turns a portion of a Taiwanese city into sex crazed, demented murderers, like a blood-soaked porn version of 28 Days Later. On top of that disturbing premise, add in the realistic and most gruesome gore you can legally get away with in 2021.

Despite all the carnage and excessive blood, the story is solid and the movie engaging throughout with a young couple trying to reunite in the middle of absolute hellish chaos. The writers even find time to throw in some political commentary on the real world pandemic towards the end. The Sadness is wrong on several levels, but a great Halloween season scare if you can stomach the high levels of nasty body horror and maniacal slaughtering and raping and the like. 9 infected babies in the waste bin out of 10.

Movie Review: We Are Still Here (2015)

the horror continues... 46 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: We Are Still Here (2015) on Prime

Put on your gore pants because We Are Still Here is 110% more blood spurty than it needed to be, but more fun than a barrel of charred angry spirits.

It's 1979 and Anne and Paul Sacchetti move out to the sticks to help grieve their son Bobby, who died in a crash. Anne thinks all the weird thumping sounds, falling objects and paranormal weirdness is Bobby still trying to hang around, but things are much much worse than that. Some freaky weird neighbors drop by to say hello and just casually mention the house used to be a funeral home and the previous owners, the Dagmar family, were run out of town for selling bodies and burying empty caskets. But not just that, a little handwritten warning to GET OUT and an even darker backstory. Pretty solid setup, but after the hippy spiritualist friends come over for a seance things go from generally bizarre to blood squirting, murdering gruesome.

We Are Still Here is a damn fine Halloween season freakshow, even if it leaves you hanging a bit at the end. 8.5 death stares in the only local restaurant in town out of 10.

Movie Review: Meander (2020)

the horror continues... 47 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Meander (2020) on Prime

Meander is another horror movie that could benefit from a better, or more accurate name. "Escape the Aliens Human Habitrail Death Trap" or possibly just "Now WTF Is Happening?" This bizarre French sci-fi sort of thing basically starts with our protagonist magically trapped inside a deadly "series of tubes" (as Ted Stevens might call it) that she has to escape from. Sometimes the tubes have fire, sometimes a vat of acid, a dead body here or there, and a crispy-fried zombie guy for good measure. Also what looks like a stomach room with two sphincters on each end. Nifty.

It's not a bad film, just a whole bunch of "WHAT?" going on here that is less horror and more just confused dramatic tension. Kudos to the writers for making the completely inexplicable ending. Maybe it wasn't the best choice to watch in a crowded airport. 6 glowing clock wristbands out of 10.

Movie Review: Candyman (2021)

the horror continues... 48 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Candyman (2021) on Prime

Not gonna lie, Candyman was way better than I expected. Since I hadn't seen the original films, I don't really know why I expected this to be a giant dud. Probably the ridiculous premise of saying Candyman five times in a mirror means he will show up and instantly kill you dead. Jordan Peele was a co-writer and co-producer on this film so I guess that tracks, I am a fan. Decent pacing and a story that kept me engaged. Although it might have been funnier if you had to say Candyman like 85 times to get him to show up. Imagine the suspense! 8 free pieces of candy you probably don't want out of 10.

Movie Review: Trilogy of Terror (1975)

the horror continues... 49 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Trilogy of Terror (1975) on Prime

Not sure I can say anything about this 1975 cult classic "ABC movie of the week" that hasn't already been said. Three horror stories, each starring horror icon Karen Black in different roles with the last one being the most memorable. The Zuni Warrior Fetish doll that comes to life really really wants to kill our dear Amelia. I had never actually seen this movie and I was pretty damn entertained watching this little bastard shaking his knife under the bathroom door. The writing holds up even if the decor is super dated. The 70s were wild, man. 6 rows of Zuni fetish doll teeth out of 10.

Movie Review: Antlers (2021)

the horror continues... 50 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Antlers (2021) on HBOmax

(SPOILERS?): Well, for starters I think the name Antlers isn't doing this movie any favors. They should have gone with something catchier, maybe curse related, like Curse of the Wendigo or Soul Stealing Meth Creature from the Empty Mine. But overall I liked this movie. It wasn't terrifying but it wasn't dumb like a lot of horror can get thanks to a decent script and famed producer Guillermo del Toro. Another legit spooky tale for the Halloween season.

Lucas is a young boy from Buttcrack, Oregon, where there's only one sheriff and one deputy, but lots of economically challenged families, trauma and abuse. His school teacher Julia (played by Keri Russell) notices Lucas struggling in school and she reaches out. She finds out his mother died and he lives with his drug addicted dad and homeschooled little brother. But that's not all. His dad is slowly turning into a ferocious mythical woodland beast. Lucas is bringing his dad and little brother rotten animal corpses and keeping them locked up in the attic. Eventually the transformation is complete and the mutilated bodies start piling up when dad escapes. Everything culminates in the big final fight scene which felt a little tiny bit phoned-in, if I'm being honest.

Antlers was way better than it should have been, but still somehow not great enough to break through the horror flick morass. If you like your movies dark and spooky and set near some dense forests with tragically depressed characters all harboring terrible secrets, this film might be for you. 7 piles of animal poo in your school book bag out of 10.

Movie Review: Hellbender (2021)

the horror continues... 51 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Hellbender (2021) on Shudder

Hellbender is a coming of age story for young witches. This particular “Hellbender” duo is a mom and daughter who have a little rock band (also called Hellbender) that also feeds the soundtrack with some culty pop rock. The mother seems weirdly possessive and darkly domineering but the daughter has some twisted secrets of her own. I kinda wish they explained some more of their witchy spells and voodoo, but also the story could have used a tad more drama. Still a decent, creepy little Halloween time movie. 8 earthworms in your cup out of 10.

Movie Review: Saloum (2021)

the horror continues... 52 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Saloum (2021) on Shudder

Saloum didn’t feel like a horror movie for so long I was starting to ask questions. Then we crossed the rubicon and it changed from three deadly African mercenaries and a cartel guy on the run, getting long sought revenge to “oh shit! evil spirits are going right in your earholes till you’re dead.” The movie is mostly in French but there is a significant amount of sign language so bring your reading glasses. Overall a solid flick with some interesting themes and exotic locations, 7 kidnapped children out of 10.

Movie Review: The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue (1974)

the horror continues... 53 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue (1974) on Shudder

The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue (also known as Let Sleeping Corpses Lie and 14 other titles) is a cult classic 70s Spanish-Italian horror movie with some fresh, flesh-hungry zombies that just might be the most quintessential zombie flick ever. Our hero, anti-authoritarian hippy George accidentally meets Edna after she backs over his motorcycle at a gas station. He guilts her into driving him to his destination in a nearby town. They bicker and get lost. George stops near a cemetery to ask for directions. He sees a large machine in a field. It turns out the Ministry of Agriculture are using experimental ultra-sonic radiation to kill all the insects for miles, inadvertently bringing the dead back to life.

While Edna waits at the car, she is attacked by the undead. More people get attacked, some people are eaten, but the cops eventually think George and Edna are a drug-addled hippy satanist cult. "Looks like a pretty typical case of satanists holding black masses" says one. George figures out that the root cause is the Ministry of Agriculture machine and shows up to destroy it. They think he's crazy and flee the scene while he yells out "Come back! We're all in danger!" Indeed, if the zombies won't get you, the cops probably will. The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue may seem pretty dated in 2022 but it hit all the right notes with this 1970s kid. Probably better than 90% of all the horror films I've watched in the last few years. 9 zombies feasting on your entrails out of 10.

Movie Review: Who Invited Them (2022)

the horror continues... 54 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Who Invited Them (2022) on Shudder

An oddly predictable story about two of the most annoying party crashers ever who turn out to be even more annoying when their secrets are revealed. I didn't quite notice the genre was Horror AND Comedy before I started the film but I didn't find myself laughing. The premise seemed like it deserved better than the cringeworthy characters and a plot that treads tepid water for most of the film. I need to pick better films. 4 pet hamsters in your mouth out of 10.

Movie Review: Moloch (2022)

the horror continues... 55 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Moloch (2022) on Shudder

Moloch is pretty close to a perfect Halloween season horror flick. A little mystery, a bit of folklore, some freaky family curse, an ancient evil diety, the haunted whispers of spirits and enough intrigue to carry you through to the big reveal. It feels like Shudder really goes for the newer foreign horror films and it pays off big time for them. That or I just love reading captions.

Set in the Netherlands at the edge of a peat bog, Betriek and her family are attacked by a stranger one night. The more she investigates, the more she realizes things are NOT WHAT THEY SEEM. There are researchers digging in the bog and finding well preserved women, all with their throats slit. The local bag man dies digging a hole. Grandpa misses grandaughter's play. Grandma is having weird seizures. A researcher pukes outside of a bar. What does all of that have to do with these attacks and the scary old local legend of Feike? Well you'll have to watch to find out. I can't ruin it. 8.5 packets of sugar out of 10.