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tonight's feature: Titane (2021) on Hulu
SPOILERS(?): If you like your movies weird, French, dark and seemingly pointless, Titane may be the film for you. Although hailed by critics and the Palme d'Or winner at the 2021 Cannes Film Festival, I am gloriously unencumbered by the allegories and metaphors and am required by law to dumb things down for my own simple man viewing needs. This is what smart people call "body horror" and I am apparently not a fan.
Alexia is a serial killer stripper with a titanium plate inside her head from a childhood car accident. She LOVES cars, so much so that she ends up getting pregnant by one (not kidding). Somehow the constant murdering gets too crazy and she ends up deciding to disguise herself as a boy who went missing 10 years ago by cutting her hair, strapping down her boobs and breaking her nose. She moves in with the boy's steroid-addicted, firefighter dad and becomes part of the erotic mosh-pit techno dancing firefighting crew, although they think she is an effeminate boy who is mentally challenged.
After a while, one of them figures out she's not who she says but the dad protects her and eventually acknowledges "whoever you are, you're my son". What? Anyway things get weirder and weirder (if that's possible) as this half-cadillac baby inside her causes her to secrete motor oil out her hoo-ha (and more). The missing kid's mom even shows up and she knows the storyline is bullshit but she doesn't care or stick around. Finally there is a climactic birthing scene that I refuse to acknowledge further or describe in detail and the movie ends. Interesting themes and originality can only carry a film so far. Body horror might be an ok genre but in Titane it felt like a weird contrivance for a film that couldn't decide where it belonged. Whatever. 5 oil squirts in your boxer briefs out of 10.
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