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tonight's feature: Jakob's Wife (2021) on Shudder
(SPOILERS?): Jakob's Wife had all the makings of a wickedly great vampire flick, but it tripped and slid right through the blood and into a cheese factory of dumb. I was absolutely onboard with the story of this unfulfilled minister's wife Annie (played by horror legend Barbara Crampton) turning all vampire in her late to mid-life crisis until the halfway point, when things got unbelievable and campy. Like a death knell for any actual remaining scares, the corny moments slapped everything serious around with a big white rubber glove, causing a grimace or a groan. Not to say it didn't try to redeem itself, the movie overall wasn't exactly terrible, I just prefer not to mix my fancy steak dinner with a side of jumbo corn dogs.
The point where the vampire is endlessly bickering with her minister husband and they end up getting it on? Nah. Or when he gives her a joint to help with her blood thirst? Corny. To make matters worse, the movie ends with one of the most terrible outro songs in the history of cinema, a song called "Church" by a band called Kitten. Yuck. I feel bad. I mean, do you want me to laugh while you wink at me or should I be creeped out? Boo on Rotten Tomatoes for not putting the "comedy" tag on this. I'm seeing a lot of reviews online that said they didn't even finish it. Shocker. Side note: some dude named CM Punk is in this for like 3 minutes. 6 bags of supermarket meat department blood out of 10.
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