Movie Review: The Visitor (1979)

the horror continues... 31 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Visitor (1979) on Shudder

If you looked at the original 1979 movie poster for The Visitor, you might think this movie is about a giant angry eyeball from space with some goblin claws and a bloody garrote, here to slowly kill all humans for some sinister alien reason. You'd be dead wrong though, because this heap of cinema dung is scraping the bottom of the barrel for a premise. Apparently someone thought "hey, Star Wars is popular! What if we cross that with The Exorcist?" but in reality they ended up with an intergalactic Rosemary's Baby meets the most annoying Omen with a bunch of scenes from The Birds thrown in for shits and giggles.

Featuring some of the most abysmal special effects ever put to film, The Visitor has a nonsense script to match, where a cabal of Satanists are pushing the mother of an 8 year old girl named Katy (who is the embodiment of pure evil) to have yet another baby so they can mate the two together to make a 'super Satan'. Katy has a pet hawk named Squeaky who will fly in your car and scratch your damn eyes out. There is an old guy from another planet who shows up to stop this entire thing who reminds me of an Obi Wan Kenobi without the wisdom or lightsaber or any emotions whatsoever.

Anyway, things are way too dumb to describe here in detail but let's just say your mileage may vary if someone tries to call this a cult film. 2 deadly wheelchair lifts out of 10.

Movie Review: Season of the Witch (1973)

the horror continues... 32 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Season of the Witch (1973) on Shudder

With George Romero behind this, I expected more. So much more. Season of the Witch (formerly titled "Jack's Wife" then released as the softcore-with-no-action "Hungry Wives") initially failed to get traction until a re-release after the success of Dawn of the Dead. Shocker. Romero also said in interviews that the film was "not really" a horror film and I'm going to have to agree with him.

It's mostly a look at a bored 70s housewife who turns to witchcraft to make her life interesting. Not sure if she succeeded but it barely moved the needle on this dumpy script. There's a lot of annoying bits in this movie and I'm not just talking about the wallpaper or fashion choices. 5 cats that enter your basement during your satanic ritual that you never noticed out of 10.

Movie Review: Tourist Trap (1979)

the horror continues... 33 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Tourist Trap (1979) on Shudder

Tourist Trap is a full-on cult classic film that should have been up there with Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, except for a few goofy unrealistic bits and some absolutely terrible soundtrack choices. Oh and also the ending. The rest is a pure freakshow starring The Rifleman, Chuck Conners as the big psychopath owner of a defunct roadside museum.

Despite the violence and mayhem, the movie was rated PG and featured no nudity despite a skinny dipping scene and a gravity defying tube top worn by a young Tanya Roberts.

Like a more demented cross between Carrie, Psycho and Wrong Turn, these hapless teenagers end up in exactly where they shouldn't be: in the crosshairs of a mannequin-obsessed killer with telekinesis and split personalities. Creepy masks and mannequins are already scary, so you have to try pretty hard to mess that up, and of course Tourist Trap manages it anyway. The film finally devolves into an absurd nightmare before an unfortunate ending that still doesn't diminish the rest of its charms. Someone should do a proper reboot of this thing before it's too late. 8 mannequin heads laughing at you out of 10.

Movie Review: Sole Survivor (1984)

the horror continues... 34 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Sole Survivor (1984) on Shudder

Sole Survivor is a little Twilight Zone sort of a Final Destination romp with some zombie action for good measure. While it might take forever to get the horror ball rolling, the payoff at the end is a nice and unexpected twist for a plot-that-kinda-drags 80s movie. TV commercial producer Denise is the only survivor of a horrible plane crash. She comes out of it seemingly without any trauma, but eventually you get the idea that the dead are pissed about it when they start showing up looking for her. This flick made me nostalgic for the 1980s, but also for more engaging stories and scarier movies. A decent watch for the Halloween season though. 6 random teenage strip poker parties out of 10.

Movie Review: Mad God (2021)

the horror continues... 35 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Mad God (2021) on Shudder

Not sure where to start with Mad God. Kind of like what might happen if Tool released an 83 minute music video. The opposite of a typical movie experience, more like an extended, stop motion apocalypse nightmare. That makes sense when you consider it's a 30 year long labor of love(?) project by acclaimed master of the stop motion arts, Phil Tippett, who for decades was one of Hollywood's most renowned figures in the art of stop motion and special effects, from Star Wars to Jurassic Park and more.

There's almost a story here, but not really. Most of what happens in this futuristic hellscape is just there to remind you that there is no hope whatsoever. I won't lie, I fell asleep 3 times during the end sequence of colored lights and whatever, but each time I went back and rewatched what I had missed. I don't think I needed to, but I'm guessing an actual plot was never the point. Super bad ass if you're into hellish stop animation, but probably not something your mom will ever understand. 7 ugly monsters with giant tits for balls out of 10.

Movie Review: Bloodthirsty (2021)

the horror continues... 36 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Bloodthirsty (2021) on Shudder

(SPOILERS?): Man, I have seen a few terrible movies in my day, but this Canadian werewolf schlock they call Bloodthirsty is absolutely abysmal. I was intrigued by the RottenTomatoes disparity between 80% favorable reviews from critics and 28% favorable audience scores. What do the critics know that the audience doesn't? Nothing as far as I could tell.

Grey is a heavily medicated pop singer who has hallucinations that she is turning into an animal. Her management sends her and her girlfriend off to a secluded home studio to work on her sophomore album with a creepy producer named Vaughn who was acquitted of killing one of his artists a few years ago.

Flash forward through a bunch of predictable and boring plot points, messy murders and bits and pieces of sad pop songs and it turns out they are both lycanthropes, except nobody cares. Vaughn thinks Grey is his lost lover or something, I don't remember already. I could barely muster the energy to bring you this sad review. 2 dreams about eating meat out of 10.

Movie Review: Cemetery of Terror (1985)

the horror continues... 37 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Cemetery of Terror (1985) on Shudder

I loved this movie. Not that it's a great horror movie, but it's a 1985 Mexican throwback with extra cheese, like watching Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video with a little bit more storyline. It's also in Spanish, so you get to practice those language skills.

On Halloween night, three medical students (also teenage horndogs) lie to their girlfriends about a rock concert and "jet set" party at some mansion just to get them to come out. They bring many bags of snacks and drinks (including vast quantities of 1985's Pepsi Free) but the mansion is actually an abandoned house next to a cemetery. The girls are pissed and start sulking instead of making out. The lead horndog explores the attic and finds a big black book, which appears to be filled with satanic spells. He tells his brochachos if they REALLY scare the girls, they'll fall right into their arms. So he does what any of us would do in that situation: drive everyone in the hatchback to the morgue, sneak in the back door and steal the biggest and ugliest corpse you can find, bring it to the cemetery to try to raise it from the dead.

Well things don't go as planned, since the corpse they steal is actually serial killer Devlon who is also some kind of demonic spirit. A violent rainstorm kicks up in the middle of their ritual and they abandon the idea and the body and head back to the house to do some heavy petting. Devlon shows up in short order and makes quick work of the murdering kind.

There are also a bunch of Halloween-loving kids in the cemetery and they just happen to run into Devlon and the teenagers bodies in the house before running back to the cemetery where every single corpse starts popping out of the ground for no apparent reason. From there it's one bad decision after another and endless running from zombies. If you factor in the continuity errors and knuckleheaded plot snafus you've got unintentional comedy gold, which is not exactly frightening but at least entertaining. 6 cans of Pepsi Free glowing by the light of the fire out of 10.

Movie Review: Boys from County Hell (2020)

the horror continues... 38 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Boys from County Hell (2020) on Shudder

Boys from County Hill is a "fun" Irish vampire movie with accents so thick it requires your captions be turned on. If you know me, you know that I'm generally not a fan of comedy in my horror and this comedy / horror could have been an epic horror masterpiece if they just laid off the lame jokes.

In the small Irish town of Six Mile Hill, Eugene, his Da (Irish for Dad) and friends are tasked with building a new road through some old Irish farm, which may or may not be where Bram Stoker stayed once and heard a local legend that may or may not have inspired his famous Dracula story. Naturally the construction efforts awaken the ancient Abhartach vampire and hilarity ensues.

I'm not saying it's not a decent movie, it has its charms. But I do think you should pick a side: a comedy movie OR a horror movie. Unless I'm watching Evil Dead, I am here for the scares. The frivolity and goofy bits diminish those scares. You spent a bunch of money to craft a decent backstory, some really nice effects and a convincing vampire, but you slapped a bunch of unfunny gags, giggles and corny music all up in it. On top of that, the climax of the movie is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen. Maybe it's an Irish thing? 6 nostrils oozing a steady stream of blood out of 10.

Movie Review: Raven's Hollow (2022)

the horror continues... 39 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Raven's Hollow (2022) on Shudder

Raven's Hollow is some sort of attempt at a prequel to Edgar Allen Poe's 'The Raven.' The film had a lot of potential despite a wooden performance from William Moseley as the young Edgar Allen Poe. These are offset by great acting by Kate Dickie as Elizabet and David Hayman as Dr Garrett.

The story and pacing were pretty strong, the creep factor was decent, but the ending was a bit of a dud. Lots of callbacks to other Poe works that will make some fans very happy. Still a good and moody period piece, and not a bad Halloween season watch. 7 drops of opium out of 10.

Movie Review: You Are Not My Mother (2021)

the horror continues... 40 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: You Are Not My Mother (2021) on Hulu

You Are Not My Mother is a decent little horror movie set in Ireland during Samhain. While not as pulse pounding as a lot of new horror, I found it pretty spooky and enjoyable.

Char's Mom Angela goes missing and when she mysteriously returns, she seems a little off. Things start getting weirder and darker until we find out the horrible truth. 8 lithium pills out of 10.

Movie Review: The Innocents (2021)

the horror continues... 41 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Innocents (2021) on Shudder

The Innocents is a disturbing Norwegian film that makes you wonder what kids are really doing when the parents are not around. The movie also features some unfortunate and upsetting animal abuse early on that almost had me turning it off completely. I am glad I didn't though, because The Innocents was shockingly good and maybe the most compelling film I've seen in years.

Almost all of the focus is on a group of children living in the same apartment complex who have latent supernatural powers. What seems like harmless fun at first turns horrifying and deadly. It had shades of Stephen King's "Carrie." Extra bonus points for the severely autistic character being shown in a transformative story arc. You simply don't see that very often in film.

The Innocents was terrifying but also deeply moving, the kind of film that sticks with you for days. 9 pieces of broken glass in your shoe out of 10.

Movie Review: The Last Thing Mary Saw (2021)

the horror continues... 42 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Last Thing Mary Saw (2021) on Shudder

The Last Thing Mary Saw was light on the scares but thick with creepy atmosphere and uncomfortable tension. Set in a New England Puritan community in 1843, it's a tale of forbidden love between *gasp* two young girls. The absurdly religious family repeatedly punish the girls, to no avail. The father thinks it's his fault, the mom wants more punishment and grandma is a terrifying old crone. The girls hatch a plan that brings terrible consequences.

I really enjoyed this story, the performances and the pacing. A little spooky tale for Halloween season, just without all the blood and whistles. 8 cups of poisoned tea out of 10.

Movie Review: Jakob's Wife (2021)

the horror continues... 43 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Jakob's Wife (2021) on Shudder

(SPOILERS?): Jakob's Wife had all the makings of a wickedly great vampire flick, but it tripped and slid right through the blood and into a cheese factory of dumb. I was absolutely onboard with the story of this unfulfilled minister's wife Annie (played by horror legend Barbara Crampton) turning all vampire in her late to mid-life crisis until the halfway point, when things got unbelievable and campy. Like a death knell for any actual remaining scares, the corny moments slapped everything serious around with a big white rubber glove, causing a grimace or a groan. Not to say it didn't try to redeem itself, the movie overall wasn't exactly terrible, I just prefer not to mix my fancy steak dinner with a side of jumbo corn dogs.

The point where the vampire is endlessly bickering with her minister husband and they end up getting it on? Nah. Or when he gives her a joint to help with her blood thirst? Corny. To make matters worse, the movie ends with one of the most terrible outro songs in the history of cinema, a song called "Church" by a band called Kitten. Yuck. I feel bad. I mean, do you want me to laugh while you wink at me or should I be creeped out? Boo on Rotten Tomatoes for not putting the "comedy" tag on this. I'm seeing a lot of reviews online that said they didn't even finish it. Shocker. Side note: some dude named CM Punk is in this for like 3 minutes. 6 bags of supermarket meat department blood out of 10.

Movie Review: Gwen (2018)

the horror continues... 44 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Gwen (2018) on Shudder

Gwen is a British period folk horror drama and about as depressing and bleak as a film can get. Gwen and her sister Mary live with their mother in the greyest and foggiest corner of North Wales. Dad is gone, neighbors die of cholera, Mom gets sick, animals start getting murdered, the quarry people want to take the farm away, etc etc, and that's the good news. The bad news is things are going to get worse for Gwen and little Mary. I'm not sure I really appreciated this movie, although I'm generally a sucker for period pieces. More or less borderline horror with a slew of incredibly unfortunate dramatic events that leaves you feeling like complete shit before the bitter end. Then you're glad it's over with. Anyway, fairly well done for a grim atmospheric period piece. 6 rats in your hen house out of 10.

Movie Review: The Sadness (2021)

the horror continues... 45 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Sadness (2021) on Shudder

The Sadness is the kind of movie your mother warned you about. A terrifying nightmare of a film, where a pandemic flu virus mutates and turns a portion of a Taiwanese city into sex crazed, demented murderers, like a blood-soaked porn version of 28 Days Later. On top of that disturbing premise, add in the realistic and most gruesome gore you can legally get away with in 2021.

Despite all the carnage and excessive blood, the story is solid and the movie engaging throughout with a young couple trying to reunite in the middle of absolute hellish chaos. The writers even find time to throw in some political commentary on the real world pandemic towards the end. The Sadness is wrong on several levels, but a great Halloween season scare if you can stomach the high levels of nasty body horror and maniacal slaughtering and raping and the like. 9 infected babies in the waste bin out of 10.

Movie Review: We Are Still Here (2015)

the horror continues... 46 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: We Are Still Here (2015) on Prime

Put on your gore pants because We Are Still Here is 110% more blood spurty than it needed to be, but more fun than a barrel of charred angry spirits.

It's 1979 and Anne and Paul Sacchetti move out to the sticks to help grieve their son Bobby, who died in a crash. Anne thinks all the weird thumping sounds, falling objects and paranormal weirdness is Bobby still trying to hang around, but things are much much worse than that. Some freaky weird neighbors drop by to say hello and just casually mention the house used to be a funeral home and the previous owners, the Dagmar family, were run out of town for selling bodies and burying empty caskets. But not just that, a little handwritten warning to GET OUT and an even darker backstory. Pretty solid setup, but after the hippy spiritualist friends come over for a seance things go from generally bizarre to blood squirting, murdering gruesome.

We Are Still Here is a damn fine Halloween season freakshow, even if it leaves you hanging a bit at the end. 8.5 death stares in the only local restaurant in town out of 10.

Movie Review: Meander (2020)

the horror continues... 47 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Meander (2020) on Prime

Meander is another horror movie that could benefit from a better, or more accurate name. "Escape the Aliens Human Habitrail Death Trap" or possibly just "Now WTF Is Happening?" This bizarre French sci-fi sort of thing basically starts with our protagonist magically trapped inside a deadly "series of tubes" (as Ted Stevens might call it) that she has to escape from. Sometimes the tubes have fire, sometimes a vat of acid, a dead body here or there, and a crispy-fried zombie guy for good measure. Also what looks like a stomach room with two sphincters on each end. Nifty.

It's not a bad film, just a whole bunch of "WHAT?" going on here that is less horror and more just confused dramatic tension. Kudos to the writers for making the completely inexplicable ending. Maybe it wasn't the best choice to watch in a crowded airport. 6 glowing clock wristbands out of 10.

Movie Review: Candyman (2021)

the horror continues... 48 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Candyman (2021) on Prime

Not gonna lie, Candyman was way better than I expected. Since I hadn't seen the original films, I don't really know why I expected this to be a giant dud. Probably the ridiculous premise of saying Candyman five times in a mirror means he will show up and instantly kill you dead. Jordan Peele was a co-writer and co-producer on this film so I guess that tracks, I am a fan. Decent pacing and a story that kept me engaged. Although it might have been funnier if you had to say Candyman like 85 times to get him to show up. Imagine the suspense! 8 free pieces of candy you probably don't want out of 10.

Movie Review: Trilogy of Terror (1975)

the horror continues... 49 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Trilogy of Terror (1975) on Prime

Not sure I can say anything about this 1975 cult classic "ABC movie of the week" that hasn't already been said. Three horror stories, each starring horror icon Karen Black in different roles with the last one being the most memorable. The Zuni Warrior Fetish doll that comes to life really really wants to kill our dear Amelia. I had never actually seen this movie and I was pretty damn entertained watching this little bastard shaking his knife under the bathroom door. The writing holds up even if the decor is super dated. The 70s were wild, man. 6 rows of Zuni fetish doll teeth out of 10.

Movie Review: Antlers (2021)

the horror continues... 50 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Antlers (2021) on HBOmax

(SPOILERS?): Well, for starters I think the name Antlers isn't doing this movie any favors. They should have gone with something catchier, maybe curse related, like Curse of the Wendigo or Soul Stealing Meth Creature from the Empty Mine. But overall I liked this movie. It wasn't terrifying but it wasn't dumb like a lot of horror can get thanks to a decent script and famed producer Guillermo del Toro. Another legit spooky tale for the Halloween season.

Lucas is a young boy from Buttcrack, Oregon, where there's only one sheriff and one deputy, but lots of economically challenged families, trauma and abuse. His school teacher Julia (played by Keri Russell) notices Lucas struggling in school and she reaches out. She finds out his mother died and he lives with his drug addicted dad and homeschooled little brother. But that's not all. His dad is slowly turning into a ferocious mythical woodland beast. Lucas is bringing his dad and little brother rotten animal corpses and keeping them locked up in the attic. Eventually the transformation is complete and the mutilated bodies start piling up when dad escapes. Everything culminates in the big final fight scene which felt a little tiny bit phoned-in, if I'm being honest.

Antlers was way better than it should have been, but still somehow not great enough to break through the horror flick morass. If you like your movies dark and spooky and set near some dense forests with tragically depressed characters all harboring terrible secrets, this film might be for you. 7 piles of animal poo in your school book bag out of 10.

Movie Review: Hellbender (2021)

the horror continues... 51 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Hellbender (2021) on Shudder

Hellbender is a coming of age story for young witches. This particular “Hellbender” duo is a mom and daughter who have a little rock band (also called Hellbender) that also feeds the soundtrack with some culty pop rock. The mother seems weirdly possessive and darkly domineering but the daughter has some twisted secrets of her own. I kinda wish they explained some more of their witchy spells and voodoo, but also the story could have used a tad more drama. Still a decent, creepy little Halloween time movie. 8 earthworms in your cup out of 10.

Movie Review: Saloum (2021)

the horror continues... 52 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Saloum (2021) on Shudder

Saloum didn’t feel like a horror movie for so long I was starting to ask questions. Then we crossed the rubicon and it changed from three deadly African mercenaries and a cartel guy on the run, getting long sought revenge to “oh shit! evil spirits are going right in your earholes till you’re dead.” The movie is mostly in French but there is a significant amount of sign language so bring your reading glasses. Overall a solid flick with some interesting themes and exotic locations, 7 kidnapped children out of 10.

Movie Review: The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue (1974)

the horror continues... 53 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue (1974) on Shudder

The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue (also known as Let Sleeping Corpses Lie and 14 other titles) is a cult classic 70s Spanish-Italian horror movie with some fresh, flesh-hungry zombies that just might be the most quintessential zombie flick ever. Our hero, anti-authoritarian hippy George accidentally meets Edna after she backs over his motorcycle at a gas station. He guilts her into driving him to his destination in a nearby town. They bicker and get lost. George stops near a cemetery to ask for directions. He sees a large machine in a field. It turns out the Ministry of Agriculture are using experimental ultra-sonic radiation to kill all the insects for miles, inadvertently bringing the dead back to life.

While Edna waits at the car, she is attacked by the undead. More people get attacked, some people are eaten, but the cops eventually think George and Edna are a drug-addled hippy satanist cult. "Looks like a pretty typical case of satanists holding black masses" says one. George figures out that the root cause is the Ministry of Agriculture machine and shows up to destroy it. They think he's crazy and flee the scene while he yells out "Come back! We're all in danger!" Indeed, if the zombies won't get you, the cops probably will. The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue may seem pretty dated in 2022 but it hit all the right notes with this 1970s kid. Probably better than 90% of all the horror films I've watched in the last few years. 9 zombies feasting on your entrails out of 10.

Movie Review: Who Invited Them (2022)

the horror continues... 54 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Who Invited Them (2022) on Shudder

An oddly predictable story about two of the most annoying party crashers ever who turn out to be even more annoying when their secrets are revealed. I didn't quite notice the genre was Horror AND Comedy before I started the film but I didn't find myself laughing. The premise seemed like it deserved better than the cringeworthy characters and a plot that treads tepid water for most of the film. I need to pick better films. 4 pet hamsters in your mouth out of 10.

Movie Review: Moloch (2022)

the horror continues... 55 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Moloch (2022) on Shudder

Moloch is pretty close to a perfect Halloween season horror flick. A little mystery, a bit of folklore, some freaky family curse, an ancient evil diety, the haunted whispers of spirits and enough intrigue to carry you through to the big reveal. It feels like Shudder really goes for the newer foreign horror films and it pays off big time for them. That or I just love reading captions.

Set in the Netherlands at the edge of a peat bog, Betriek and her family are attacked by a stranger one night. The more she investigates, the more she realizes things are NOT WHAT THEY SEEM. There are researchers digging in the bog and finding well preserved women, all with their throats slit. The local bag man dies digging a hole. Grandpa misses grandaughter's play. Grandma is having weird seizures. A researcher pukes outside of a bar. What does all of that have to do with these attacks and the scary old local legend of Feike? Well you'll have to watch to find out. I can't ruin it. 8.5 packets of sugar out of 10.

Movie Review: Titane (2021)

the horror continues... 56 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Titane (2021) on Hulu

SPOILERS(?): If you like your movies weird, French, dark and seemingly pointless, Titane may be the film for you. Although hailed by critics and the Palme d'Or winner at the 2021 Cannes Film Festival, I am gloriously unencumbered by the allegories and metaphors and am required by law to dumb things down for my own simple man viewing needs. This is what smart people call "body horror" and I am apparently not a fan.

Alexia is a serial killer stripper with a titanium plate inside her head from a childhood car accident. She LOVES cars, so much so that she ends up getting pregnant by one (not kidding). Somehow the constant murdering gets too crazy and she ends up deciding to disguise herself as a boy who went missing 10 years ago by cutting her hair, strapping down her boobs and breaking her nose. She moves in with the boy's steroid-addicted, firefighter dad and becomes part of the erotic mosh-pit techno dancing firefighting crew, although they think she is an effeminate boy who is mentally challenged.

After a while, one of them figures out she's not who she says but the dad protects her and eventually acknowledges "whoever you are, you're my son". What? Anyway things get weirder and weirder (if that's possible) as this half-cadillac baby inside her causes her to secrete motor oil out her hoo-ha (and more). The missing kid's mom even shows up and she knows the storyline is bullshit but she doesn't care or stick around. Finally there is a climactic birthing scene that I refuse to acknowledge further or describe in detail and the movie ends. Interesting themes and originality can only carry a film so far. Body horror might be an ok genre but in Titane it felt like a weird contrivance for a film that couldn't decide where it belonged. Whatever. 5 oil squirts in your boxer briefs out of 10.

Movie Review: The Yellow Wallpaper (2021)

the horror continues... 57 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Yellow Wallpaper (2021) on Prime

SPOILERS(?) Not really sure how to describe this film version of The Yellow Wallpaper. I guess for starters it's a massively influential early feminist story from 1892 by Charlotte Perkins Gilman that illustrates the oppressive nature of the patriarchal society of the time. But as a film, it's just almost entirely oppressive and bleak and nearly unwatchable. The movie is listed as a horror film but the only real horror here is sitting through a solid hour and 39 minutes of a depressed woman getting more depressed and going insane because of it.

The Yellow Wallpaper is an excruciatingly tedious and unpleasant experience and it took everything I had to get through it. It was an epic endurance test, like watching someone slowly peeling wallpaper, which is exactly what happens for the last 10 minutes or so. Maybe I'm SUPPOSED to feel like this after watching, in which case, they nailed it. Otherwise, if you're looking for something frightful for the Halloween season, look elsewhere. If you must watch it, bring a pillow. For all it's worth, I give The Yellow Wallpaper 3 remote country estates out of 10.

Movie Review: In the Earth (2021)

the horror continues... 58 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: In the Earth (2021) on Hulu

SPOILERS(?): Imagine getting kidnapped deep in the woods by a lunatic who drugs you to keep you from trying to escape. Then imagine escaping with a few less toes only to run into the lunatic's scientist wife who is trying to communicate with the forest using science, but she can't so she uses an ancient dusty spellbook called "Hammer of the Witches" (new band name?).

Add all that together during a pandemic, along with a malevolent forest, the spirit of some old guy in a stone edifice, lots of loud scary music, a bunch of strobe lights set all over the place, a ghastly mist of mushroom spores, and you end up tripping balls. A lot of tripping balls. Trying to avoid getting murdered. That is more or less the premise of In the Earth, which gets a grisly 5 chopped off toes out of 10.

Movie Review: The Night House (2020)

the horror continues... 59 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Night House (2020) on HBOmax

possible SPOILERS(?): The Night House was a fairly compelling ghost story that kept the tension and interest for a majority of the film. Except towards the end, where things got supernaturally wonky.

Beth is a recent widower whose husband mysteriously took his own life. As the tale unfolds you are drawn layer by layer into the enigma onion that was her husband, Owen. What was he up to? Bad things? Uh oh. Tell me more! Owen was an architect who designed their beautiful house on the lake. But he had other secrets! Like another house across the lake that was nearly identical. Owen also had some strange photos on his phone. Maybe even some dead bodies lying around.

Eventually there's a part of the movie where Beth is like, "Yes! I'm going to totally bone my dead husband's ghost. I really miss him." (note: not an actual quote) and I was like "No please, please don't kick me out of my cinematic dreamscape with some cheap ghost boner" which switched quickly to "OMG to whom does this ghost boner belong?" which felt like some reality show where ghost boners get voted off ghost boner island. (new band name?)

Anyway, I liked the movie despite the parts where the evil spirit is just picking people up and throwing, choking, dragging, and smashing them against a mirror. I mean, if he could do that all along, why didn't he do it earlier? Why all the forcing someone else do it?? By the time it was over I wasn't mad about it, so I'll give The Night House 7 mirror image houses across the lake out of 10.

Movie Review: Run (2020)

so it begins... 60 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Run (2020) on Hulu

Run was a decent little nightmare of a movie, even if the character development was severely lacking and it felt like I was watching a longer version of the spoiler-heavy trailer. Sarah Paulson was pretty convincing in her role as psychotic mom Diane. Not terrifying but a little edge-of-my-seat dramatic with a solid "huh?" ending. I've seen better, and I've definitely seen worse. It could have used another 10 minutes of setup before the big reveal? Another character? Nobody knows. Anyway, 6 dangerous prescriptions you shouldn't be taking out of 10.