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tonight's feature: Vampire Hookers (1978) on Tubi
Look, I'm not any kind of expert on shitty vampire sexploitation movies from the 1970s, so I can't be entirely sure here, but Vampire Hookers may be the tip of the corny iceberg of ridiculous vampire comedy romps. I know you're already saying it too, "You should have known better!" and you're right. Also known by a number of other titles, including Cemetery Girls, Night of the Bloodsuckers, Sensuous Vampires, and Twice Bitten, this cinematic masterpiece was allegedly included by Newsweek on a list of ten "excellent cheesy horror movies."
Filmed in the Philippines, Vampire Hookers focuses on two of the horniest and dumbest American sailors ever as they hit the big city of Manila with one thing on their minds: getting laid, while tangibly abominable 70s rock music plays in the background.
Things start out as fun and games and general buffoonery until the guys end up in the cemetery, preyed upon by an old, well dressed and classic-poem quoting vampire (played by John Carradine), his 3 sexy, vapid vampire vixens and their fart-huffing human slave, Pavo.
Naturally there are more stupid dad jokes in the script than minutes in the film. The cornball dialogue reads like a couple 13 year old boys wrote it and the 10 minute softcore vampire-orgy scene really leaves little doubt. There's nip and side-boob galore, to distract you from the script, I guess. You get the feeling that someone had to really try to make a movie so dumb and painful. But hey, it was the late 70s and maybe this counted for entertainment, somewhere. I wanted to be scared, or laugh, but I got neither. They should take "horror" out of the description though, the only thing scary about this is that someone funded it. 4 groan-worthy dick jokes out of 10.
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