Movie Review: Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015)

the horror continues... 10 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015) on DVD

Man, I tried. I watched Insidious and Insidious: Chapter 2 and they did little for me in terms of scares or storyline. I wanted to like Chapter 3 but again I am left out alone in "the further" with nothing to warm my entertainment balls but these dream warrior sequences, which always leave me feeling flat.

A prequel to the other movies, Chapter 3 finds Elise Rainier, semi-retired demonologist, trying not to get involved in evil spirit mumbo jumbo yet again. But of course that can't happen, because we've got to set up these later stories. Evil demons are attaching themselves to this girl and Elise has to jump into the netherworld or whatever to try and stop all of this. It's very dangerous and should be very frightening but it's all I can do to follow along without nodding off. I don't know, I just can't. 6 ghost moms coming to rescue you inside the dreamlike netherworld out of 10.

Movie Review: Orphan: First Kill (2022)

the horror continues... 11 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Orphan: First Kill (2022) on Prime

(SPOILERS?) Even with its own shocking plot twist, Orphan: First Kill (the prequel to 2009's Orphan) fails to live up to the mania induced by the original. I'd even go so far as to say it makes you hate the family Esther is trying to infiltrate even more than her.

See, Esther is an Estonian girl trying to pass herself off as a missing American girl, and she almost gets away with it, except the missing girl was never really missing. Sound intriguing? Well you can only have your fake formerly missing kid sister dropping an f-bomb in a Russian accent once at your party, before it starts to get to you. Also the detective suddenly has his suspicions, so he's not going to last long. Whatever, this movie is dark and violent and everybody deserves to go down for their misdeeds at some point. 7 dead rat smoothies out of 10.

Movie Review: Orphan (2009)

the horror continues... 12 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Orphan (2009) on Max

(SPOILERS?) After a very unfortunate hospital birthing room opening scene, Orphan faded into a fairly domestic film about a troublesome adopted Russian girl. A Russian girl named Esther who will do some murderin' to get her way. Esther has a diabolical plan that involves busting up the family and she nearly pulls it off.

I found the first half of the movie super boring and shaking-my-head annoying, until the big twist was revealed. Then everything flew into high gear and I was hanging on by the edge of my damn seat. I did not see that one coming. Almost flew under my radar too, I'm glad I stuck around for the shock ending. 7.5 rare hormonal disorders out of 10.

Movie Review: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

the horror continues... 13 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) on DVD

Bram Stoker's Dracula is a stone cold classic. Despite going over budget and having some weird segues, Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece is like The Godfather of vampire movies. You've got Gary Oldman, who was hired after Daniel Day Lewis was unavailable. Then there's 20 year old Winona Ryder, babyfaced Keanu Reeves and fan favorite Anthony Hopkins. Sure, the screenplay makes the entire thing into a love story, diverting from the plot of the novel, but some people probably liked that. "Hey, that Dracula guy ain't so bad!" Maybe that's how you got your girlfriend to go sit through a 2 hour horror flick in 1992? 10 oceans of time to find you out of 10.

Movie Review: The Monster (2016)

the horror continues... 14 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Monster (2016) on Max

The Monster had me wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. Not in a thoughtful, introspective way, but more like "why are you watching these terrible movies?" kind of way. Granted, I probably couldn't write a competent horror script or make a movie half as compelling as this clunky, annoying creature feature, but I'm not tossing entire film budgets down the drain either.

Basically a mother and daughter who hate the living daylights out of each other are stranded on a desolate, forest road after an accident involving a wolf. A mechanic finally arrives and we find out a strange and malicious creature is hunting them. Not exactly a cool and scary one, however, more like a beastly Gorn ala Star Trek. It seems kinda dangerous but the mom keeps escaping, for a while anyways. Some people liked this movie, but I thought it was kinda like watching a constipated cat try to poop. Whatever. 4 traumatic childhoods out of 10.

Movie Review: The Clovehitch Killer (2018)

the horror continues... 15 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Clovehitch Killer (2018) on Hulu

(SPOILERS?) If you've ever wondered what your life would be like as the awkward teenage son of the BTK killer, The Clovehitch Killer is the movie for you. More mystery than horror, this coming of age movie where your dad wears a freakish lady mask, tries on lacy panties in high heels taking selfies, then kills and tortures occasionally to be able to get fully hard, is a terrifying and tension filled look into the serial killer's mind. Still not going to win any father of the year awards, I'm guessing.

The film doesn't exactly mention BTK but every minute detail about his evil techniques are represented here. Although in this fictional version, he doesn't go to prison, he ends up dead! 8 bondage photos your kid found stuffed in the seat of your dumb pickup out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween Party (2019)

the horror continues... 16 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Halloween Party (2019) on Prime

(SPOILERS?) How can the movie with literally the dumbest premise ever entertain me the most? Halloween Party sets us up for disappointment with the idea that a holiday internet meme, forwarded via email, with 8-bit pumpkins and ghosts, asks you to input your worst fear in 30 seconds or it will curse you and make that fear real? I was shaking my head... until our two protagonists realized it was REAL! And they found out there were freakish, deformed hospital patients trapped under their dorm rooms! Who were making the meme somehow? BUT WAIT! One college bro poops with the door open and dies on the shitter!

Ok, the ending was bad too, as well as the acting, plus all the college bros... oh and the dialogue. But there was some real promise in there and dammit, I was rooting for it. Maybe it reminded me of Halloween III, I don't know. Just make sure to enter your worst fear or you'll be eaten by a pig person, or mauled by a bear, or choking on a big mac. 5 vagina spiders out of 10.

Movie Review: Oculus (2013)

the horror continues... 17 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Oculus (2013) on Prime

(SPOILERS?) Oculus was a decent-ish movie about an antique, evil mirror that drives people insane. Allegedly, the evil mirror has a history of its owners turning up mysteriously dead, and Kaylie (Karen Gillan, Nebula from Guardians of the Galaxy) and her recently released-from-prison brother Timbo set out to prove the evil mirror caused the death of their parents using video cameras, timers, plants and thermometers.

The film interweaves two parallel plot lines, the present and 11 years in the past, when Kaylie and Timbo were kids being terrorized by the mirror, flashing back so often that you may not be sure if you're watching a different flick, which is made worse by the evil mirror's constant hellish hallucinations. Katie Sackhoff (the Mandalorian's Bo Katan) gets seriously demented in her role as the kids tormented mom, although she could have used more screen time. Things get terrifyingly worse for the duo and the torment turns up to 11.

Ultimately though, the film ends with an unfortunate and predictable deadly "oopsie" and the evil mirror (and its ghostly inhabitants?) live on for a possible sequel, which left me making a serious debby downer face. 6 antique evil mirrors you should have smashed and dropped off at the dump out of 10.

Movie Review: The Devil's Backbone (2001)

the horror continues... 18 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Devil's Backbone (2001) on Prime

The Devil's Backbone is a Spanish language ghost story set in an orphanage during the Spanish civil war. Directed by Guillermo Del Toro, it tells a riveting tail of murder, betrayal and intrigue. Definitely not your standard horror movie, but epic storytelling and filmmaking of the highest order. 9 unexploded bombs in the courtyard out of 10.

Movie Review: The Lazarus Effect (2015)

the horror continues... 19 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Lazarus Effect (2015) on Prime

(SPOILERS?) The Lazarus Effect looked pretty good in theory, with a concept that should have delivered in spades. Instead, after what felt like a promising start, it devolved into a hot, confused mess.

So they brought back a dead dog, and it was... creepy and weird, for a little while. Then after some drama Olivia Wilde's character died and they brought her back. She was creepy and weird, and maybe crazy... and also a super powered demon? Or something. She kills everyone. The end. One of those movies you wish was only 35 minutes long. 3 syringes full of serum out of 10.

Movie Review: Drag Me to Hell (2009)

the horror continues... 20 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Drag Me to Hell (2009) on Prime

Any fan of Sam Raimi will probably tell you Drag Me to Hell is one of his best. Is it horror? or comedy-horror? or dark comedy? I can't be 100 percent sure, but I definitely don't want to be eating while watching this puke-fest. Lots of puke, gross outs and body parts going into mouths, enough to give you a serious case of heebie-jeebies. The story was ok, it reminded me of a Twilight Zone episode where someone gets cursed and spends the rest of the time trying to remove said curse, except this curse comes with an extra dose of kicking, punching and puking old ladies and corpses and evil spirits. Even if I wasn't aware of Sam Raimi this movie had plenty of scenes to remind me of The Evil Dead, which already gives it bonus points. It felt a little long in the tooth but I'd still give it 9 old lady dentures that shouldn't look so nasty out of 10.

Movie Review: Renfield (2023)

the horror continues... 21 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Renfield (2023) on Prime

Renfield may be a corny hot take from the guy behind the Walking Dead but it's high falutin' ridiculousness, gore-splattering and ass-kicking extreme fun if you're up for it. Taking a break from more serious horror, Renfield delivers classic characters in some modern ways and gives Nicolas Cage a chance to bare his fangs as Dracula. It's not Shakespeare, but I thought it was pretty damn entertaining. 8 jugs of Dracula blood out of 10.

Movie Review: Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

the horror continues... 22 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013) on Max

A slight step up from the first Insidious, Chapter 2 has some serious interweaving of characters and plot from the original film, and a large chunk of the movie has our hero possessed in the real world but fighting evil in the mysterious "further" world. I don't know if that makes it better or worse but there were some compelling moments and general creepiness. Unfortunately I can't shake the feeling that I'm too confused most of the movie to be legitimately scared. Still I'll need to watch the other 3 in the series if I want to get to the bottom of all this. 7 tin cans attached with string out of 10.

Movie Review: You're Next (2011)

the horror continues... 23 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: You're Next (2011) on Max

I hadn't heard of You're Next until last night and holy cow, was I missing out. It felt like the perfect horror flick; murderous, masked goons attacking a family reunion, a little mystery, a lot of violence, scares and some fighting back and kicking ass to keep you going. They even had scream queen Barbara Crampton play the matriarch of the family. Need to watch again asap. 10 crossbows and machetes out of 10.

Movie Review: Insidious (2010)

the horror continues... 27 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Insidious (2010) on Max

(SPOILERS?) I had no idea the Insidious franchise was 5 movies deep until someone mentioned it, which is surprising because the first movie was a bit of a letdown. A few too many unfortunate jump scares, super quiet volume for dialogue and insanely loud volume for action scenes, a kid we don't care about falling into a coma we don't understand, a convoluted backstory involving the dad that even he doesn't remember... plus there's darth maul's hillbilly brother in the netherworld, looking goofier than a pro wrestler after happy hour.

This movie should have been the next Poltergeist but they just couldn't keep out the corn dog plot points. Give me more creepy seances and less dream warrior scenes, please. Luckily I didn't hate it, so I may torture myself with the other 4 movies. 6 parasitic spirits hanging around out of 10.

Movie Review: The Deeper You Dig (2019)

the horror continues... 28 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Deeper You Dig (2019) on Prime

The Deeper You Dig starts off with a bang, trickles bits and pieces of ghostly apparitions, then leaves you hanging as it slogs along slowly before a thoroughly confusing resolution. I couldn't tell what was even happening at one point. Regardless, the entire premise hangs over you like a thousand pound anvil, waiting to drop.

Brought to you by the family team that made Hellbender, this mushroom trip of a movie will unnerve you and make you wonder what you'd do if you lost your psychic abilities and your daughter went missing. 7 tarot cards to remind you your faith is completely gone out of 10.

Movie Review: Graveyard Shift (1990)

the horror continues... 29 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Graveyard Shift (1990) on Max

(SPOILERS!) Another Stephen King short-story-turned-feature-length film, Graveyard Shift sounds like it's about some spooky graveyard crew getting haunted by the supernatural. Instead, it's about the world's worst rat infestation in the basement of the world's shittiest textile mill with the world's shittiest, most abusive foreman.

Set somewhere in Butthole, Maine, a widowed drifter rolls into town and takes a shitty job at the impossibly shitty textile mill. A few people die there mysteriously but no one even seems to notice. The jerky foreman (who is coincidentally banging the female workers in full violation of HR policy) decides to buy off the local inspector for a few months so they can stay open, despite having too many rats to flush a toilet and a massive fire hazard in the basement. His exterminator (played gleefully by acting legend Brad Dourif) can't even seem to keep up with the rat infestation. Jerky foreman forces a handful of employees to clean out said basement and eventually we find out there is a massive, cow-sized, pissed off queen mega-rat (with wings) eating people in a second, even lower basement, which leads to some underground tunnels, a river or two and what looks like 1,000 years of human bones.

One by one these hapless, small town cretins get gobbled up or shredded by the rat queen, which causes Jerky Foreman to go full Vietnam vet apeshit, eventually attacking our hero and his barely-there love interest. There's a big fight scene and one guy loses and the other guy escapes and the rat queen gets ground up in a cotton picker / giant machine thanks to a slingshot and an old diet pepsi can. The end.

I don't know how they got these rats to "act" in the movie but some of them definitely deserve tiny oscars. Significantly better than the last Stephen King flick I watched, somehow I didn't mind this being on the dumber scale of things. 6 rat sandwiches out of 10.

Movie Review: Vampire Hookers (1978)

the horror continues... 30 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Vampire Hookers (1978) on Tubi

Look, I'm not any kind of expert on shitty vampire sexploitation movies from the 1970s, so I can't be entirely sure here, but Vampire Hookers may be the tip of the corny iceberg of ridiculous vampire comedy romps. I know you're already saying it too, "You should have known better!" and you're right. Also known by a number of other titles, including Cemetery Girls, Night of the Bloodsuckers, Sensuous Vampires, and Twice Bitten, this cinematic masterpiece was allegedly included by Newsweek on a list of ten "excellent cheesy horror movies."

Filmed in the Philippines, Vampire Hookers focuses on two of the horniest and dumbest American sailors ever as they hit the big city of Manila with one thing on their minds: getting laid, while tangibly abominable 70s rock music plays in the background.

Things start out as fun and games and general buffoonery until the guys end up in the cemetery, preyed upon by an old, well dressed and classic-poem quoting vampire (played by John Carradine), his 3 sexy, vapid vampire vixens and their fart-huffing human slave, Pavo.

Naturally there are more stupid dad jokes in the script than minutes in the film. The cornball dialogue reads like a couple 13 year old boys wrote it and the 10 minute softcore vampire-orgy scene really leaves little doubt. There's nip and side-boob galore, to distract you from the script, I guess. You get the feeling that someone had to really try to make a movie so dumb and painful. But hey, it was the late 70s and maybe this counted for entertainment, somewhere. I wanted to be scared, or laugh, but I got neither. They should take "horror" out of the description though, the only thing scary about this is that someone funded it. 4 groan-worthy dick jokes out of 10.