Movie Review: The Omen (1976)

the horror continues... 1 night till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Omen (1976) on HBOmax

(SPOILERS?) If you had just one takeaway from the 70s classic horror film The Omen, it should probably be "don't ever take a random baby, especially not from a priest, no matter the circumstances." I watched the Omen several times in my life and it never disappoints. I like how they make the smallest things absolutely terrifying, like taking your kid to church or a dog just sitting there looking at you.

American diplomat Robert Thorn (Gregory Peck) and his wife Kathy are living in Rome when he finds out their newborn baby died in childbirth. A creepy priest says "hey, we have this baby, just take it, what could go wrong? his mother died. so tragic. no seriously, take this random baby. I insist." and after a few minutes Thorn is like, "yeah that IS a good idea, why even tell my wife our baby died?" Of course that's no random baby, it's the son of Satan himself, little Damien, born of jackal. Other priests show up five years later in Britain and try to tell Thorn to kill his son with no success. It takes him the entire movie and everyone dying to figure out the truth and by then it's basically too late as he gets shot in the face trying to do the right thing.

The Omen is considered supernatural horror but it's not quite like most horror movies. By the end there is some very dramatic stuff but the rest is kind of a slow psychological terror, because the audience knows the deep and evil menace could strike at any moment. They did several sequels and a remake in 2006, and now I'll have to put them on the horror to-view list. 8 unfortunate birthmarks out of 10.

Movie Review: Glorious (2022)

the horror continues... 2 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Glorious (2022) on Shudder

(SPOILERS?) I put off watching Glorious because I thought it would just be a bunch of senseless gore. The poster shows a guy holding a severed leg so that makes sense, right? But I didn't really notice the pale pink and purple lights and all the tentacles, which would let a discerning fanboy know this is Lovecraft inspired horror at its cosmic squelching best.

Our protagonist, the depressed enigma named Wes, is driving down the highway with his car full of stuff. He stops at a rest area and gets trashed, since he may or may not have lost his girlfriend recently. Once he enters the restroom, however, he is unwittingly stepping into the domain of one of The Great Old Ones, a demigod bent on destruction of humanity and life on earth. He just needs West to complete one small task to set the universe right.

The movie doesn't veer much from this premise or setting but that's ok. It worked for me because it was quite different and pretty heady in the conceptual department. It might be a downer if you were looking for a bloodbath with multiple characters, but I'm pretty glad I gave it a chance. 8 vividly painted glory holes out of 10.

Movie Review: The Cleansing Hour (2020)

the horror continues... 3 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Cleansing Hour (2020) on Shudder

The Cleansing Hour might work for some Gen Z kids but I had a hard time restraining myself from turning it off and taking a nap. Not because I was tired, but because the movie was tired: forced script, corny one-liners, ding dong premise, unbelievable schtick, grating characters, idiotic dialogue... etc. Not even trying to be scary. Or maybe they just failed at it.

Father Max, a fake priest who does fake exorcisms on a popular webcast show, gets the shock of his life when an actual demonic presence takes over the actress in the latest episode. Almost the entire movie is this one drawn out scenario which is being livestreamed to a growing worldwide audience. Father Max and his producer buddy Drew have to get their wits about them to defeat this old demon that's just trying to get famous on the internet. So strap in, because it's going to take a very, very long time to get this over with. I mean, how do you do an exorcism if you're just douchey young Max (who says he quit the priesthood years ago but also killed a nun once in catholic school) in real life? You're going to have to google it and I'm going to be here cringing all the while.

Shockingly the film had decent scores online which led me to give it a go, but I found The Cleansing Hour painfully bad. Like insultingly bad. Maybe I am being too harsh after seeing multiple films this week that were pretty damn good? Doesn't matter. I'm not getting those 94 minutes back. 1 Lucifer pretending to be another demon to possess the entire world via your dumb youtube video out of 10.

Movie Review: Barbarian (2022)

the horror continues... 4 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Barbarian (2022) on HBOmax

Depending on your tastes, Barbarian is either the best new horror movie you've seen or just another ho-hum, overrated affair. I can't comprehend the latter because I absolutely loved this movie. I was lucky enough to have a friend warn me in advance not to read any spoilers and I think that made a difference. So if you haven't yet, then definitely don't.

Without ruining the plot entirely, Barbarian is basically a sordid tale of what could go horribly wrong with that quaint little Airbnb you booked. But it's also a film where you might stand up in a theater and shout things like "DON'T DO IT!", "WHAT THE F****!" or "AW HELL NAW!" before covering your eyes with your hand.

Despite what seemed like a slow start, Barbarian has you thinking you know what's up before turning the entire story on its head. For that alone it should get an academy award, but what do I know? 10 bottles of milk out of 10.

Movie Review: Exorcist III (1990)

the horror continues... 5 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Exorcist III (1990) on Shudder

What the Exorcist III lacks in projectile vomit, it more than makes up for it in terms of extended dialogue, conversation and lots of talking. Multiple murders are taking place and for the longest time, we just hear the detectives describing them after the fact, which almost feels like I'm hearing a review of a movie and not actually watching one. Things finally pick up though for even more intense talking scenes and a few genuine frights before a giant blowout of an ending battle.

Lieutenant William F. Kinderman (George C Scott) is a cop who has seen it all, including the Gemini Killer murders. Bodies start turning up suspiciously like the Gemini Killer's victims that have also been injected with precise amounts of chemicals for paralysis, all their blood removed before being decapitated and so on. Well it just turns out that maybe this crazy guy in the psych ward prison is actually Father Karras from the first movie, somehow surviving after being dead and buried and falling down an infamous flight of stairs. Now, possibly, the evil inside him has brought in the spirit of the actual Gemini Killer who frequently inhabits other people's bodies to do all the killing and... he could just inhabit other people, but he's also trapped inside Karras? I mean, he has to use other people but returns to Karras? I'm not sure why that makes sense but they're definitely not going to be able to stop him... or are they?

Overall it was shockingly good for having less action than your typical twisted satanic horror movie. It probably should have been the script for Exorcist II, but I definitely find the first Exorcist to be profoundly more terrifying than either one. 8.5 broken radios in the asylum out of 10.

Movie Review: Black Death (2010)

the horror continues... 6 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Black Death (2010) on Prime

Black Death looked pretty good on paper and by paper I mean the snippet of text that comes with every Amazon Prime Video movie. It stars Sean Bean and Carise Van Houten of Game of Thrones fame so it feels like it should have at least some pizazz. But after a while, this grim black plague film starts to feel like an underwhelming episode of Game of Thrones itself.

The premise: in plague-sickened medieval England, Osmund the monk (Eddie Redmayne) is doing his best to not die and lives in the monastery. He sends his secret girlfriend away with a big bag of bread and onions and promises to meet her in the forest in a week. He prays for a sign from Jesus and suddenly the bishop's envoy shows up and asks the monks for a guide to a village near the forest. Osmund signs up to get the hell out of dodge. He soon finds out that the envoy Ulric (Bean) and his band of unwashed warriors are actually looking to capture a necromancer in a remote village to bring him back for a trial and execution because of raising the dead, eating man flesh and so on. Of course terrible things start happening and many a witch will be burned and many a man stabbed and hanged. When the group finally arrives, the village doesn't have any plague and that makes Ulric and his men suspicious, but maybe they just have soap and water and know how to use it? Langiva (Van Houten) allows the men to stay in the village but keeps mocking god, which goes over like you'd think. Heavy drama ensues.

It's definitely not a bad movie but I feel like whoever wrote the script hates christians AND pagans. I thought the pacing was a bit off and some of the plot choices could have been better, including a the tacked-on ending, but I liked it. My wife said it was terrible and predictable. I would give it 7 medieval salves which would definitely qualify as witchcraft out of 10 while my wife said it should only be 6 infected plague armpits out of 10.

Movie Review: The Witch Who Came from the Sea (1976)

the horror continues... 7 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Witch Who Came from the Sea (1976) on Shudder

I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do, but The Witch Who Came from the Sea should probably be avoided unless you're on the world's greatest quest to find the most nonsensical, painfully weird, disjointed and generally terrible horror movie of all time, even if the movie poster is kinda awesome. Listed as a "video nasty" by the UK Department of Prosecutions back in 1976 and considered by many to be breaking obscenity laws, the film tells a sordid tale of a psychotic, sex-crazed woman who goes on a killing and castrating spree after years of sexual abuse by her seafaring father.

I can't describe it any better than this online review: "Bizarre mish-mash of sexuality, horror, terrible & great writing, exploitation and art-house, that works just over 50% of the time. Certainly one for those interested in bizarre forgotten horror films."

The movie's premise isn't really the problem so much as the incredibly uneven editing, confusing dialogue and haphazard way the story unfolds. You're never really sure what's happening or when it's happening, and have no real interest because the characters are such drastic caricatures. By the time you get a grip on it, the movie is pretty much over. I could definitely have lived without watching the sex abuse scenes and probably the entire movie, if I really think about it. 2 razor blades for chopping off man bits out of 10.

Movie Review: The House of the Devil (2009)

the horror continues... 8 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The House of the Devil (2009) on Shudder

House of the Devil was a fantastic throwback to classic horror films of the 70s and 80s. So much so that you might even think it was actually filmed in the mid-80s. Allegedly they used the same technology as those older films to get the same vintage feel. The rotary phones and music selection were nice touches.

Samantha is a young college student who's getting a new place but she really needs to figure out how she's going to pay for it. She ends up seeing a flyer looking for a babysitter and calls the number. Big mistake. Once she shows up for the job, it turns out not to be a babysitting gig after all, but looking after an elderly mother during a lunar eclipse. She decides things aren't quite right and wants to leave but the creepy tall man offers her $400. $400 was a lot of money back then, apparently. Samantha decides to stick it out for the 4 hours against her best friend's urgent pleas. Naturally, all hell breaks loose.

Highly recommended if you dig slow burn horror, occult craziness, the Fixx, and obviously 70s and 80s horror movie vibes. I probably would have done the ending different but still I gotta give House of the Devil 9 pepperoni pizza slices out of 10.

Movie Review: Society (1989)

the horror continues... 9 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Society (1989) on Shudder

(SPOILERS?) Society is the cult classic 80s horror film that probably haunted your dreams as a kid, unless you were one of those weirdo kids into the sickest horror imaginable. Lucky for me, I waited 33 years to finally check it out and I'm feeling pretty good about it because it's a double nutted, body horror, freak show mind-warp .

The film is divided into two main parts: part one, the majority of the movie, where an annoying troubled teen (played by Billy Warlock, soap opera star and son of stuntman Dick Warlock who played Michael Myers in Halloween II) struggles with his family and pretty much everyone else as a dumpy script barely scrapes along with more WTF?s and HUH?s than your average Hollywood crap fest. Then part two, the big reveal where all the rich, stupid assholes in his life (including his parents and sister) turn out to be body-morphing, sex-crazed aliens and they all get half naked, wet and sloppy deformed to slurp the life juices out of his body in a big nasty orgy.

Once you've seen it, you'll never forget it, but you may regret it. Bonus points for completely random, pointless characters like the bizarro giant punk rock lady who eats human hair for no reason. Still sad Michael J Fox wasn't in this. 6 bullies turned inside out out of 10, but only because the end was so shockingly disturbing.

Movie Review: Watcher (2022)

the horror continues... 10 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Watcher (2022) on Shudder

Watcher (not to be confused with the Netflix series "The Watcher" or "The Witcher") is the slow burn-iest of slow burn horror, with a supremely satisfying last five minutes. If you're the kind of horror fan who can't wait for your horror to get real, you might want to pass on this one. Watcher is more of a tension building exercise than a traditional slasher movie.

Julia and Francis move from America to Bucharest, Romania. Francis speaks Romanian and he's got a new job keeping him busy. Julia is bored and can't speak Romanian, leaving her frustrated in the new city. She discovers a weirdo constantly staring at her from his window across the street. Pretty soon she's being followed and starts getting more and more paranoid since there's a weird serial killer in the neighborhood chopping off women's heads.

While it's probably not for everyone, it felt pretty effective by the time the ending rolled around. If they hadn't nailed it, I'd be giving it a big thumbs down, but instead I'd say Watcher is a solid 7 weird guys always watching you out of 10.

Movie Review: Hell House LLC (2015)

the horror continues... 11 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Hell House LLC (2015) on Shudder

Hell House LLC was a solid Halloween romp that had some legitimate spine tingling moments, assuming you can get past the shaky home video feel of that sweet, sweet found footage. That's right, Hell House LLC is yet another found footage horror movie but this one is a tad better than most.

The movie is basically a documentary investigating some unexplained deaths that occurred at a haunted house in New York state on its opening night. All but one of the staff were killed along with fifteen guests. The remaining staff member is tracked down by the documentary crew and she brings a buttload of video with her. Then we get to see the gang planning and preparing this old hotel into a must-see haunted house, which may or may not have been used for rituals by a satanic cult. Weird spooky shit starts happening and odd and terrifying things get caught on video but the group ignores all the warning signs. With cameras all throughout the hotel, most of the carnage of the event is caught on security cameras. Still, no one can explain what really happened after it's over. (I mean Satan *cough* maybe/ *cough*)

I liked the movie well enough but was surprised to learn there are already 2 sequels? Bold move for a found footage trilogy. (they found MORE footage??) 7 creepy clowns embodying pure evil out of 10.

Movie Review: Honeymoon (2014)

the horror continues... 12 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Honeymoon (2014) on Hulu

Honeymoon is a competent and suspenseful little horror tale set in the modern age, despite the ending leaving you wondering if they forgot to finish the story. Although I did feel like a dirty old man watching this young, newly married couple getting it on repeatedly in the setup (I mean, they are on their honeymoon after all), things quickly go south between the couple and all the romance is blown out the window when shit gets weird.

Bea (played by Game of Thrones star Rose Leslie) and Paul head to the family's rustic cabin to finally celebrate their big day, but after a short while Bea disappears one night and Paul finds her naked and confused in the woods. At first chalking it up to sleepwalking, Paul suspects worse as her behavior changes completely. He assumes she's had some sort of affair, but the truth is much more terrifying.

Everything worked for me with the story, pacing and uneasiness, but I still am not sure what the hell happens at the end. Aliens? Demons? Witches? Nazgul? Ghosts? Nobody will ever know, I guess, which takes an 8 bright lights in the woods out of 10 down to 6 weird worm looking creatures pulled out of her hoo-ha out of 10.

Movie Review: Trick or Treats (1982)

the horror continues... 13 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Trick or Treats (1982) on Shudder

Hot damn, Trick or Treats is a terrible movie. Just stunningly awful. Another movie trying to replicate the success of 1978's Halloween and tripping over its own ineptitude on repeat. Some of the worst acting, writing and dialogue ever put to film.

The premise: the world's shittiest adult aged babysitter is forced to watch the world's most annoying spoiled brat on Halloween night and things get deadly when the psychotic dad (who looks exactly like Meat Loaf) escapes the mental hospital hellbent on revenge. Luckily for the babysitter lady, Meat Loaf dad takes almost the entire film to travel to the house after his escape. The stupid kid keeps pranking the babysitter, to the point where you hate both of them after about 6 minutes. There are other pointless asides: phone calls from the dumb boyfriend, a random scene involving film editors who are working on the babysitter's latest movie, some unknown guy asking her to party as she gets in her car, Meat Loaf dad threatening homeless dudes for their soiled clothes at knifepoint. This movie even had David Carradine listed as the marquee star and he was only in it for 5 minutes at the beginning.

Another film I struggled to finish, Trick or Treats should only be viewed by archivists trying to find the world's shittiest film. My wife came in for the last 20 minutes and even she hated it. 1 short random montage of classic Vegas signs out of 10.

Movie Review: Dark Night of the Scarecrow

the horror continues... 14 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Dark Night of the Scarecrow (1981) on Shudder

Dark Night of the Scarecrow is a pretty compelling story for being a 1981 made for tv movie. Very light on the gore, it still has creepy small town vibes, dastardly hillbillies and wholesome Halloween themes.

Some angry townsfolk jump the gun and shoot the big town idiot before realizing he didn't do the crime. Those good ole boys get away with murder and are haunted from beyond the grave, one by one. Serves 'em right! 8 characters named Bubba and Skeeter out of 10.

Movie Review: Re-Animator (1985)

the horror continues... 15 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Re-Animator (1985) on Shudder

As sick and twisted as it is quintessential, Re-Animator is a ghoulishly perfect horror movie. I had seen bits and pieces of it over the years but I don't remember ever watching the entire thing, so my expectations were low. This horror classic has it all: zombies, demented scientists, Barbara Crampton, Jeffrey Combs, undead cats bent on revenge, sex with a decapitated head, etc.

Herbert West develops a 'reagent' formula that brings dead things back to life, but he can't quite master the dosage. After being accused of murdering his professor in Switzerland, he ends up at Miskatonic University in Massachusetts to continue his studies. West brings back his roommate Dan's cat. West convinces Dan it was his reagent and Dan tries to convince the dean of the reagent's potential, but instead of embracing it, both are barred from the school. Naturally they break into the morgue to re-animate a dead body to prove the reagent works on humans. Things get way out of control and the dean ends up dead... until they jab him with the fluid. Things spiral into the abyss and the plot gets more insane and demented as it goes. 10 shots of glowing green goo right in the neck out of 10.

Movie Review: Sorority House Massacre (1986)

the horror continues... 16 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Sorority House Massacre (1986) on Shudder

Sorority House Massacre wants to be Halloween (the film) so bad it can taste it. It's got a psychotic killer escaping from the mental hospital heading back home to do some more killing, but without all the style and terror of the 1978 classic. There's a family connection and a lot of nightmare dream sequences for our young heroine, but the plot drags and the dialogue is juvenile. The characters are about as compelling as a box of old socks.

There are a few topless shots for the teenagers, then finally bad Bobby arrives and the stabbings begin. It's not Shakespeare but not as bad as a lot of other bottom of the barrel horror, and for the 1980s it's pretty on point. Just needs its own Dr. Sam Loomis. 6 safety ladders out the window that aren't so safe out of 10.

Movie Review: The McPherson Tape (1989)

the horror continues... 19 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The McPherson Tape (1989) on Shudder

For what it was at the time, The McPherson Tape is pretty cool. The concept: a family celebrating a child's birthday party are interrupted by an alien invasion and everything is caught on home video. The beginning is pretty believable in a "damn, what an annoying family in a grainy home video" kind of way. Then suddenly these 'brothers' see a UFO and begin having an extended panic attack. The hysterics are cut down by the womenfolk in the house, who get everyone calmed and back to birthday party fun. The little grey men return and the panic resumes, until later on, when they decide to play a card game. Filming the entire thing non-stop is younger brother Michael who just recently bought his fancy new video camera.

I guess for 66 minutes it isn't too bad. Ok I'm kidding, it's difficult to watch the entire thing. Maybe 15 minutes of it are key and the rest is just painful, especially the fake panicked chaos. Kudos for coming up with the idea and making a lot of UFO diehards think it was the real thing for decades. Also good job making one long running shot into a movie so you didn't have to do any editing. 3 birthday parties ruined by an alien invasion out of 10.

Movie Review: The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

the horror continues... 20 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Hills Have Eyes (1977) on Shudder

This Wes Craven classic is up there with some of the all time greats. Sure, the characters are over the top and the Mad Max meets the Flinstones vibe seems a little far fetched for 1977, but you can't go wrong with the absolute chaos set loose in The Hills Have Eyes.

The Carter family are driving through the desert on their way to Los Angeles and decide to ignore Fred the gas station guy when he tells them to stay on the main highway. Soon they're stuck deep in the middle of nowhere and become targets of a brutal family of mutant cannibal assholes. Dad decides to walk back to the gas station by himself, one of the dogs gets murdered and then it becomes dark. Bad stuff happens then the baby gets kidnapped and gets slated for the next bbq.

After more murders, chase scenes, and dog attacks, the remaining Carters have seemingly become as bloodthirsty as the cannibals. Obviously essential viewing for any true horror fans. 8 blood-curling-can't-think-straight Brenda screams out of 10.

Movie Review: Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker (1982)

the horror continues... 21 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker (1982) on Shudder

(SPOILERS?) Holy shit this was a dark movie. This kid Billy (Jimmy McNichol) lives with his aunt Cheryl (Susan Tyrrell) after the opening scene where his parents die in a violent car crash. Aunt Cheryl, who actually turns out to be his psychotic mother, likely killed his adopted parents (her sister and brother in law) by cutting their brake lines. Oh and she also murders his real dad, who's body is still in the basement. She is also deeply in love with Billy and doesn't want him to go off to college.

When aunt Cheryl tries to put the moves on the tv repairman, she kills him when she gets rebuffed, yet says he was trying to rape her. Billy shows up as the murder is going down and the dirty cop thinks Billy is the culprit since A. the tv repair guy was gay B. Billy's basketball coach was the tv repair guy's lover and C. Billy is also probably gay, so therefore: gay love triangle. Side note: a young Bill Paxton plays the shithead bully named Eddie in this movie.

By the end everyone is getting stabbed, hacked, machete'd or shot through the torso and you just sit there going, "well goddamn," muttering to yourself. I did not see that coming. If it wasn't for the constant insane mommy dearest putting drugs in Billy's milk and the corpse and pickled head of the dad in the secret part of the basement this movie felt like it could have been an ABC after school special about everyone being intolerant of gays. But it ends up like some Oedipus serial killer bad cop insanity. More disturbing and demented than scary, a bit over the top for a Halloween season jam. 6 gallons of tainted milk in the fridge out of 10.

Movie Review: Spookies (1987)

the horror continues... 22 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Spookies (1987) on Shudder

Spookies is some straight up campy 80s horror that is either the best underground cult film of all time or the dumbest damn movie you can't believe you sat all the way through depending on your preferences.

The special effects are cheesy, the script ham-fisted, the goofball characters unlikable, yet you feel like it's a movie you and your friends could have made on Super VHS. The whole thing is a hot mess, but you've got to give them credit: this has more monsters per film minute than maybe any horror movie ever. They've got zombies, lots and lots of them. They've got farting dirt mummies, they've got an ancient spider lady, there's some demons, muck-men, a grim reaper statue, reptilian creatures, vampire boy, were-cat dude, a skeleton witch, octopus something something and the old warlock. Maybe more, I can't even remember.

Spookies is just one hard nipple twist away from Saturday the 14th, but it's not necessarily trying to be funny. Recommended if you're into cheese, goofballs, the 1980s, schlocky stuff, B-movies, Michael Jackson's Thriller video, laughing out loud or tripping balls. Not recommended if you want something halfway serious. 5 random ill-advised parties in allegedly abandoned old mansions out of 10.

Movie Review: Entwined (2020)

the horror continues... 23 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Entwined (2020) on Shudder

Entwined is another one of those movies where reviewers think they could have written it better. It's predictable, they say. There's no real surprise or suspense, they go on. It's sluggish and lacking. While they're not exactly wrong, I thought the film was well done, thought provoking and very, very weird, which makes it right up my alley.

It might not be fair to call it horror, but this dark fantasy tale is more suffocating than terrifying. We see a young Greek doctor move his practice to a small Greek town after his dad dies. He encounters a strange, young and beautiful Greek girl in the woods with her father and wants to help her. The townsfolk warn him not to get involved but of course he does it anyway. Pretty soon his entire life is ENTWINED with this mystery girl and the forest, but not in a good way.

I didn't read the reviews before watching it and that probably was for the best. I still thought Entwined was a decent little Halloween season watch and a break from the regular slashers, biters and spookers. 8 more logs on the fire out of 10.

Movie Review: Hellraiser (2022)

the horror continues... 24 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Hellraiser (2022) on Hulu

(SPOILERS?) Hellraiser 2022 (Electric Boogaloo) is clearly a divisive reboot. Any time you're messing with a legendary horror franchise and injecting new blood into it, some core fans are invariably going to cry foul. With that out of the way, I thought it was pretty skin-stretching great. Great to see some familiar faces: sexy lady pinhead (original pinhead's daughter?), lipless teeth chattering guy, the goatse dude (jk), and the rest of the ripped skin torture crew of unearthly cenobites, just a face guy, trying to breathe lady, caught in the wires girl, etc. I really don't have any major gripes, and that's a big win in my book.

But if I had the writer or director's ear, I might ask a few important questions. Firstly, why do cenobites walk so slowly? If you're moving faster than a trot you apparently can just outrun them? Also, I don't remember a whole lot of negotiation going on about who's going to get ripped to shreds in the early films? That seems to be a feature of this reboot, "Wait! I changed my mind! No, this guy!" Lastly, this main character gets to choose a gift at the end and she's all "Nah I see what kind of gifts you give, I want nothing" and they're like "Oh then you have chosen to be sad for a long time." What? Is that supposed to be scary? Depression and regret?

Anyway, as a casual fan I did enjoy the HELL out of this Hellraiser reboot. I especially like the idea that if you're rich enough you can build a cage for these extra-dimensional torture demons. Just don't ever ask them for anything and leave that knife poking puzzle box alone. 8 flaps of skin cut up to make a pair of endless pain overalls out of 10.

Movie Review: The Gate (1987)

the horror continues... 25 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Gate (1987) on Shudder

For those old enough to remember watching The Gate back in its late 80s heyday, it might stir up some big nostalgia feels, but it shouldn't surprise anyone that it's not quite as mind blowing as the childhood Halloween memory of it.

The premise is straightforward: possibly maybe somehow some heavy metal band's record opened some portal to the demonic realm in this kid's backyard, but we're not 100% sure who or how or why, or what happened. Then it's Poltergeist meets Home Alone until they are magically able to dispatch the horrible beasts and close the gate. As far as 80s movies go, it's a pretty solid 7 demon eyeballs on your palm out of 10, even if the script leaves you with a bag full of questions.

Movie Review: Scare Me (2020)

the horror continues... 29 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Scare Me (2020) on Shudder

I saw a few reviews calling Scare Me a masterpiece. I am not sure what planet those reviewers live on, but it's not near this universe. One of the most "creative" yet still somehow massively boring movies I have had the displeasure of sitting through. This is a movie about people in a cabin in the woods making up stories. That's it. Eating pizza, drinking beer, drinking wine, talking, trying to outwit and scare each other. After the 8th time of telling myself not to turn it off at the hour and a half mark, the plot finally became halfway interesting, then suddenly it was over.

If you're a writer and need inspiration, this might give you something to chew on. If you have a low threshold for entertainment and will sit through anything, you might not be annoyed by this. If you invite random pizza delivery drivers into your house and give them your pizza and cocaine, you'll feel a kinship with these characters but still think this movie sucks. 3 fireplace pokers through your torso out of 10.

Movie Review: Noroi:The Curse (2005)

the horror continues... 30 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Noroi:The Curse (2005) on Shudder

If found footage horror and subtitles over subtitles is your thing, you'll love Noroi: The Curse. This Japanese demonic possession, documentary-style movie really makes the most of the shaky, pixelated footage and the unlimited pigeons they must have in the big city.

It wasn't terrifying but a decently spread out story that keeps you guessing, even if you're a bit tired by the time the ghastly climax arrives. 7 stolen fetuses out of 10.