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(SPOILERS and RANTING) I've got to admit, Halloween 5 is pretty damn epic. Epically terrible. Heaps upon heaps of awful. Mixed in there somewhere is what should have been a decent little horror story. Yes, I knew all that going in and even expected it, but I thought, "how bad can it really be?" Well, it's a festival of OPEs, OOFs and WOOPSIES.
We have the return of little Jamie, who I thought did some murdering at the end of the last movie. She's lost her voice now and lives in a hospital. Michael escapes(?) or whatever and he's got the mark of the beast or something, but he must destroy this little girl. Why? Not sure yet, will have to wait for the next movie.
Anyway, perpetually trenchcoated Dr. Loomis is now reduced to a deranged, nagging doomsayer. He hovers around Jamie and since she is telepathically linked to Michael, he's hounding her for info. "Where is he?! Why are you hiding him?! aaaaah!" Calm down, Loomis, you're harshing my buzz.
Some of Halloween 5's worst offenses include Michael Myers driving vehicles. Not only does he kill the local Fonzie, but he takes his muscle car and picks up Tina, AT THE CORRECT TIME FOR THEIR DATE... wearing a totally different mask. She eventually gets tired of the silent treatment and makes him stop for cigarettes. At this point I am wondering why she didn't at least give him a handy? Would have really classed up the movie. Tina gets busted by the cops and he drives off... TO THE BIG PARTY. Who gave him directions? and who the shit taught him how to drive? I know he drove in the first movie, but that was absurd also. He was institutionalized at age 6 or whatever. Then he's chasing these kids around in the muscle car, trying to run them over. Later he's driving a cop car. So dumb. At the party some guy has the same mask and work onesie as Michael and there is a romp in the barn. Instead of tricking the girl into having some Myers standard-issue missionary, he waits until they're doing it to do his own poking, with a pitchfork. Throw in some bad comedy from the Laurel & Hardy of local cops for no reason.
I'm not sure I can even address all these issues unless I intend on sitting here typing all day long. Loomis tells Michael to go to his old house, except it's not the same house from the first film, what? Loomis leaves Jamie in the house with yet another dumbshit cop.
Jamie hides in the laundry chute and presumably falls into the basement, but the chute is 'locked' at the bottom? Michael comes down several flights of stairs in a few seconds and gets the bottom opened up and starts stabbing the thing, she manages to crawl up to the next level and escape after not being able to move at all. Sure, man, whatever.
Eventually Jamie ends up in the attic, where Michael has many lit candles(?), dead body trophies and a little coffin for her? She decides to lie down in the coffin? uhh, no. Michael comes to stab her and she calls him "uncle boogeyman" or something, so he stops and takes his mask off.. AND CRIES LIKE A BABY.. before getting back into his regular rage. Later Loomis uses Jamie as bait and lures Michael under a netting made of chains, drops them, then shoots him full of tranquilizers(?) and finally passes out on top of him. THEN we see Michael in jail, WEARING HIS MASK, until this mysterious man in black shows up and blows up everyone to help him escape. The end?
What were they smoking when they pooped out this turd? Going to have to assume it was banana peels. I'm not a film genius but I might have at least scratched my head at some of this dreck before the cameras rolled. Dismal. 3 Michael Myers actual tears out of 10.
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