Movie Review: The Mortuary Collection (2019)

tonight's feature: The Mortuary Collection (2019) on Shudder
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The Mortuary Collection was a decent little anthology with a jammin' soundtrack. Probably not as scary as it should have been but whatever. 7 guys giving birth out of their man parts out of 10.

Movie Review: Good Manners (2017)

tonight's feature: Good Manners (2017) on Shudder
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(SPOILERS) Good Manners was a well conceived Brazilian film that tried to be a little 'werewolf sort of Pinocchio movie' with a dash of Frankenstein love story and LGBT musical thrown in for good measure. Another 'horror' movie that tugs at the heart strings à la Let the Right One In, but was ultimately more depressing by the end.
Clara applies for a nanny job and reluctantly moves in with single mom-to-be Ana. Over time we learn that Ana ended up pregnant after a hot night with a mystery man who could have been a local werewolf. Over the course of some unfortunate events, Ana passes away and Clara takes the baby to raise as her own. Seven years later we see Clara struggling to protect her little lycanthrope as he starts to resent her.
The special effects were a little better than I expected and the cinematography wasn't too shabby either. The run time seemed a hair too long but I enjoyed the story, which was almost as much a fantasy about the struggles of motherhood than a typical werewolf tale. 8 hairy kid backs out of 10.

Movie Review: Phenomena (1985)

tonight's feature: Phenomena (1985) on Shudder
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Phenomena (released in the USA as Creepers) has it all. For starters it's a Dario Argento film, so you know it's going to be twisted, but then throw in baby-faced Jennifer Connelly and Halloween's Donald Pleasence and jam them into a serial killer story about a girl with paranormal insect powers, an entomologist with a pet chimp, a deformed demon child, an all girl school in the Swiss alps and a soundtrack with not only Argento stalwarts Goblin, but also Motörhead and Iron Maiden. Besides the insane ending, Phenomena has probably the world's only 'young girl taking her friend the fly on a bus ride' ever put on film. I thought it was nice and bizzare and perfect for a trippy 80s horror flick. 8.5 larvae eating your flesh out of 10.

Movie Review: Blood Rage (1987)

tonight's feature: Blood Rage (1987) on Shudder
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Blood Rage (originally released in 1987 heavily edited as Nightmare at Shadow Woods) is a gore-filled, twin twisting, Thanksgiving day slasher. Young psychopath Terry frames his brother Todd in an axe murder at the drive-in theater and Todd is sent to the mental hospital. Ten years later, Todd has escaped his confines and everyone still thinks he is on a murdering rampage, but instead it's Terry who is getting the job done with his machete. Aside from that general plot outline, not much of the story or dialogue seems to make too much sense. On the flip side, the bitchin' synthwave soundtrack, 80s hair and fashion help transport you to simpler, more awkward (and horny) teenage times. Blood Rage felt like a bad trip from the very start, and Terry's lunatic Thanksgiving catchphrase "that's not cranberry sauce" sadly didn't manage to take off with horror fans around the country like it should have. 7 lopped off hands holding a can of Old Style out of 10.

Movie Review: Tammy and the T-Rex: Gore Cut (1994)

tonight's feature: Tammy and the T-Rex: Gore Cut (1994) on Shudder
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Tammy and the T-Rex is just a ridiculous movie that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Director Stewart Raffill access to an animatronic T Rex through some acquaintance before it went to a park in Texas. So he wrote a script in a week and started filming, and it shows. Tammy's new boyfriend Michael gets attacked by her ex-boyfriend Billy and eventually Billy dumps Michael in a wild animal park where he is attacked by a lion. While Michael is in a comatose state at the hospital, the oddball Dr. Gunther Wachenstein and his assistant Helga cut Michael's brain out and stick it inside the head of an animatronic T-Rex, giving Michael 'immortality' as a new T-Rex who is intent on destroying his enemies. Tammy eventually figures out that Michael's brain is inside and she and her friend Byron try to help find him a new body before the T-Rex body is destroyed. Or something. For being so dumb, it was pretty amusing. Although the added gore helped up the entertainment factor tenfold. If I had paid real money to see the non-gore version in the theater, I might have written a terse letter to the studio for wasting my precious time. Anyway, I'd give this gory original cut 6 shots of alcohol directly on the brain out of 10.

Movie Review: The Pool (2018)

tonight's feature: The Pool (2018) on Shudder
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The Pool is a Thailand-ish thriller about the unluckiest guy in the entire world who falls asleep on a raft in the largest (and deepest) pool in the country and wakes up as it's nearly drained of water. Somehow the pool has no ladders or steps to get out, so he's stuck in there, first with a broken fingernail, then a wet cellphone, then with his girlfriend who has a head injury, one roll of duct tape, a big ass crocodile, aaaand a broken leg... all while his dog is chained up nearby. A constant stream of ridiculous unluckiness continues until you simply can't care anymore and wish you didn't get up that morning. 6 hard boiled crocodile eggs out of 10.

Movie Review: Dogs Don't Wear Pants (2020)

tonight's feature: Dogs Don't Wear Pants (2020) on Shudder
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Dogs Don't Wear Pants is not for the squeamish. This kinky Finnish movie may take you to some uncomfortable places, but it's not quite a horror film. They call it an "erotic black comedy". It's about a surgeon who becomes a widower and has to raise his young daughter alone. Years go by and eventually he stumbles into this situation with a dominatrix so he can feel something again. His life turns upside down and shit gets... weird. Highly recommended if you're into watching torture, making people crawl around on the floor in bondage gear and general weirdness. 6.9 plastic bags choking you unconscious to the point of death out of 10.

Movie Review: Horror Express (1972)

tonight's feature: Horror Express (1972) on Shudder
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Horror Express was everything you want in a 1972 monster movie set on a speeding Russian train. Besides the obvious triple threat of Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and Telly Savalas, you've got an ancient humanoid, fossil-type of frozen, red-eyed beast-man. We're not talking about an ordinary beast-man either, this one can absorb your entire life's memories and knowledge, take over your body AND control the undead. Not to mention it's been around since the beginning of time. So the deck is pretty stacked against the mere mortals just trying to joyride across the Siberian tundra on this luxury locomotive. I mean, you can't fight this kind of existential evil intelligence with a bunch of hats, mustaches and muskets! Long story short, this was a pretty cool and weird old movie and I need more like it. 8 exploding train cars out of 10.

Movie Review: Wolfcop (2014)

tonight's feature: Wolfcop (2014) on Shudder
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(SPOILERS) Wolfcop feels like it should have come out in 1986 instead of 2014. It's cheesy and tongue-in-cheek corny. I typically get annoyed with horror comedy movies because they feel so ridiculous and just aren't scary. Wolfcop screams ridiculous from the title and here I was enjoying it. It was even described as a "Canadian superhero comedy horror" so clearly you should get your money's worth somewhere in there. Lou Garou is an alcoholic sheriff's deputy in some run of the mill small crappy town who ends up getting turned into a werewolf by some changelings so they can drink his blood and live eternally. Apparently he isn't the first, but he's going to be the one who puts an end to it. Lots of spurting blood, explosions, gun battles, fight scenes and mayhem in between points A and B along with some dirty werewolf sexy time, a werewolf car hot-rodding session and even an exploding man-penis to werewolf-weiner scene. (Hopefully the last of its kind.) If I took this movie seriously I would have been disappointed (and probably failed at life), but for shits and giggles (and the stoner rock soundtrack) I'd give this eclectic piece of Canadian cinema 7.7 donuts out of 10.

Movie Review: Prisoners of the Ghostland (2021)

tonight's feature: Prisoners of the Ghostland (2021) on Shudder
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(SPOILERS?) Prisoners of the Ghostland is what happens when someone grows up without hearing the word "no". That's not always a bad thing , all things considered, and some people are going to love this movie by Japanese director Sion Sono. I mean if it says "deliriously gonzo genre mash-up" in the header you're probably going to have to strap in for the thing in the first place.
I just keep thinking back to when Vince Neil punched that lady outside the airport or whatever and a drunken Nic Cage grabbed him tight and was crying, trying to calm him down. That's the Nicolas Cage movie I want to see. Instead we have this post-apocyliptic western sort of samurai vigilante via Mad Max radioactive thunderdome sort of Japanese revenge-adventure movie that tries to do all the things but still ends up feeling like an overproduced 1990s Mtv video. At the same time, I was never a big fan of Nicolas Cage. I did like that Mandy movie and Colour Out of Space, so I'm open to the idea, and the movie poster is ON FIRE.
Essentially, Prisoners of the Ghostland is a bit of a hot mess and I definitely should have eaten some mushrooms. There are moments of levity, like when Cage yells out “I’ll karate chop you! Hi-fucking-ya!” or when he gives a motivational speech and screams about his one remaining testicle. But if you're a film nihilist, this may be right up your disturbing alley as it's pretty to look at (most of the time), violent as hell and weirder than a 17 dollar bill. 7 testicle-detonators out of 10.

Movie Review: The Pale Door (2020)

tonight's feature: The Pale Door (2020) on Shudder
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Watching a movie like The Pale Door gave me hope. The hope that even I could poop out a movie someday, and no matter how terrible, someone out there would watch it and say "hey, that was ok." That is unlikely what people are saying about The Pale Door, however. I feel like I am pretty generous with my reviews, for the most part. I know these people put a lot of heart and soul and money into their movies. But it might make more sense to put some quality control in there somehow, somewhere, if you're going to make an actual movie.

What I'm trying to say is this movie is bad. Bad like a horrible fart caught inside some rotten food that was forgotten in a hot car filled with dirty diapers, parked in a garbage dump next a manure lagoon. It was so bad I'm not even going to justify talking about the details of the plot and acting and set design or costume design. Just watch it if you dare. Honestly if I say it's that bad, someone will watch it and say it was pretty good, but only because I set the bar so low beforehand. My point is, you should avoid this movie unless you need some background noise in your room so mom doesn't realize you've snuck out of the house. This was by far the worst of the films I have seen during my Halloween run. Worst than that Rocky Dennis Mask movie I hated as a kid. This movie made me want to not watch any more movies, ever. But I can't let the bad guys win. 0 witches in the old west out of 10.

Movie Review: Kill List (2011)

tonight's feature: Kill List (2011) on Shudder
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(SPOILERS) Kill List did everything it could to keep that intense focus throughout the film. There's a hit man and he's been out of work. He and his wife like to scream at each other daily and probably need counseling. He eats rabbit meat the cat drags in. He takes on some new jobs with his old buddy, gets stabbed in the hand and his victims begin thanking him. Then he starts getting a little violent and a lot paranoid. Someone murders his cat. Suddenly there's a weird cult in the woods with torches and masks made out of straw. They're going to hang some girl so he shoots a bunch of them. There's a chase, his buddy gets gutted in a tunnel, yadda yadda. Then he escapes to the cottage where his wife and child are staying. The cult catches him and takes his shirt. His wife kills a bunch of intruders. Then there's a big fight scene. He fights the hunchback. Who turns out to be... well I will say this, it doesn't make a lick of sense.

Kill List starts off as one thing and is pretty good at it. Then it does a 180 and is another thing entirely and is still pretty good at that too. But then there's a shock ending that makes about as much sense as Toto being the Wizard in Wizard of Oz. I'm not saying it's not quality, I'm just saying THROW ME A BONE, NOT A BANANA. I read one review that said "Of course if you hate films that make you think and prefer mindless entertainment, you would do best to seek elsewhere." Make me think? It made me think, alright. It made me think that the screenwriter didn't bother to button up his story. Maybe he started with the the shock ending and just rolled some D&D dice to write the rest backwards? That actually makes more sense. Still, I won't hold the ending against the rest of the film, because I'm probably just a dumbass. 7 grisly hand infections out of 10.

Movie Review: V/H/S/94 (2021)

tonight's feature: V/H/S/94 (2021) on Shudder
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V/H/S/94 is a messy anthology of found footage horror, the fourth in the series of V/H/S films. It's oddly charming and pitifully schlocky at times, but there are a few moments of brilliance mixed in. If you have a high tolerance for watching movies seemingly shot on 1990s technology (and loads of what I like to call HORROR PATIENCE) you might be the perfect target audience for this kind of throwback claptrap. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it either. Some of the shorts worked better than others, some I was surprised by and some were like ripping a band-aid off over and over. It's hard to rate a film like this since it's multiple writers and directors, but if I was rating only the parts I liked, I'd give it 7.9 exploding vampire bloods out of 10, but since I can't, I have to give it 6 vhs static overlays out of 10.

Movie Review: A Dark Song (2016)

tonight's feature: A Dark Song (2016) on Shudder
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A Dark Song was an oppressive pressure cooker of a film. Sophia lost her son and needs to ask an angel for a favor. She hires a guy and they lock themselves in a countryside retreat for some heavy duty, dark-ass ritual stuff. Things take forever before taking an ugly turn. Just when you think it's over, the movie hits paydirt, but you may have fallen asleep by then. Otherwise it's a slow walk into madness.

My wife was bored to tears by the film, but I thought it was atmospheric and increasingly menacing. Liam Gavin is definitely a filmmaker to keep an eye on. 8 freaky circles summoning demons or what have you out of 10.

Movie Review: The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016)

tonight's feature: The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016) on Shudder
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The Autopsy of Jane Doe had a lot of promise. The first half of the film stayed steadily on point for something epic. But eventually things ran out of steam as the audience was asked to jump through some big hoops which only snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

Tommy and his son Austin are small town family coroners who get a mysterious corpse from the local sheriff one evening. The mystery corpse has more than a few red flags that something is terribly amiss, but these guys don't quit... until the rest of the dead bodies start harassing them. Eventually they figure out (assume) that the new corpse is causing the problems, but it's too late. Too late for me too, because I didn't know I was going to have to do so many mental gymnastics to keep up the disbelief. You know that point in a movie where you say to yourself, "WHAT IN TARNATION?" and suddenly you realize you're sitting in your bedroom next to a farting cat, instead of wrapped up in a story. Which is kind of a shame because I did enjoy the movie. Except that one part where the family cat died, for no reason related to the plot.

My favorite thing about The Autopsy of Jane Doe was that Jane Doe was played by an actress, Olwen Kelly, who laid around dead and naked on the table while these two cut pieces out of her. My kind of acting gig. 7 depressed dads passing on the family tradition of the mortuary arts out of 10.

Movie Review: Ginger Snaps (2000)

tonight's feature: Ginger Snaps (2000) on Shudder
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Ginger Snaps was a campy little werewolf flick about two gothy, teenage, misanthropic sisters getting their lives turned upside down when one gets bitten by the local lycanthrope. Kind of like Mean Girls meets American Werewolf in London, or something. One reviewer said it was Jennifer's Body before Jennifer's Body, but I can't verify. It wasn't bad, and it wasn't very scary, but I probably would have enjoyed it more if I was 17. Apparently it's officially reached CULT STATUS so if you're a serious horror buff, you'll need to have this (and maybe the sequels) in your rolodex. 7.5 newly sprouted teenage werewolf tails out of 10.

Movie Review: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

tonight's feature: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014) on Shudder
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Despite getting high marks from critics, The Taking of Deborah Logan still took a lot of flack for being born out of the found footage genre. Me? I thought the film wouldn't have worked quite so well without it.

A team of students set out to film a documentary about an elderly woman suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's disease, but they end up with something else entirely... entirely sinister!

After a rather pedestrian start it became so gripping I could not look away. It was an excellent portrayal by Jill Larson as the possessed & struggling Deborah Logan. Except for a very few minor details, it was a near perfect horror movie. Or maybe I was just eager to like something after the abysmal 'They Look Like People' the night before? No one may ever know for sure, but The Taking of Deborah Logan should be considered an essential horror film from the last decade. 9.5 piles of worm and dirt puke out of 10.

Movie Review: They Look Like People (2015)

tonight's feature: They Look Like People (2015) on Shudder
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I can't lie. I hated this movie. I could not get into it, I hated the premise and the acting and everything about it. Especially the ending. I feel like this should come with a warning label: "The biggest waste of time of your life, BMV waiting excluded". The producer, writer, editor, and director should all be barred from releasing films. That will be made easier since it was all one man, Perry Blackshear. But really, They Look Like People is just essentially the story of an early Alex Jones where some man suffering delusions thinks everyone is an evil monster and there is a war coming. Maybe we do have a mental health crisis in America (or the world) but this movie doesn't really do anything for anyone except make them want to smash their tv. I feel bad for the actors in this so I will give it 1 dumb conspiracy theory out of 10.

Movie Review: The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015)

tonight's feature: The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015) on Showtime
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The Blackcoat's Daughter is a twisted little possession story that winds its way through several timelines before coughing up the big reveal. Written and directed by Osgood Perkins (son of Anthony Perkins of Psycho fame) the film is an atmospheric slow-burn that unravels a tale that gets darker and darker as it goes along. The premise was relatively simple but the narrative was crafty and complicated.
Rose thinks she is pregnant and decides to stay at the Catholic boarding school over break. Kat dreams her parents are dead. They never show up to pick her up for the break. Both are left behind with a few nuns. Later we see Joan is on the run and escaped from a mental institution. A man and woman offer her a ride after finding her alone at a bus stop. These two stories eventually intersect in a grisly albeit slightly confusing climax. The Blackcoat's Daughter is the kind of movie that leaves a menacing cloud of doom in the air for a few hours after it ends. 8 decapitated heads around a boiler out of 10.

Movie Review: Relic (2020)

tonight's feature: Relic (2020) on Showtime
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Relic was what you might call a 'Debby Downer' (no offense to my friends named Debby). Losing both my parents over the span of 7 terrible months is something that still haunts me and this Australian movie had a lot of parallels. Relic was basically the equivalent of watching someone slowly lose themselves: their memories, their faculties, their health and the will to live. Kay and her daughter Sam travel back to visit her mother, Edna, who has gone missing. She turns up and seems functionally out of it with a large black bruise on her chest. The movie drags on with some nightmares, growing mold, confusion and depression as we watch Edna not be herself, and something evil lurking all the while. Eventually you think this is what it feels when someone goes insane, but later you realize it might be you who is going insane. Eventually things reach peak insanity before a "what the hell was that?" finale.

I can't say I enjoyed the movie, since it was constantly reminding me of something too close to home. It was horrifying, but not in a fun, entertainment-value way. More like a giant mirror reflecting the existential dread and utter despair that comes with the loss of your family. 6 stained glass windows covered in mold out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn (2021)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn (2021) on Showtime
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Well, the joke's on me. I thought Wrong Turn was just a funny name for a movie... it turns out Wrong Turn is actually a reboot of a series 6 movies deep! How I missed every single one of them is not a huge mystery, I don't pay attention to most things unless there's a cat, some beer, guitar riffs or sweepstakes involved.

This Wrong Turn involves a decades old cult called The Foundation, living on a mountain, hidden from the world being freaky-deaky weirdos since the American civil war. The mostly annoying big city 20-something main characters, vacationing deep in Appalachia, step off the hiking trail and end up in the clutches of these bizarro nutjobs and of course it's awful. The weirdest thing about this film is that I hated it... until it hit the halfway point. The kids were annoying, the pacing was weird, the story seemed predictable, the cult leaders had very fancy haircuts and dumb accents... and then it somehow became compelling and got better and better as it picked up speed. The twist ending was even more rewarding.

So now I am required by law to watch the first 6 films and report back. In the meantime I'll give this Wrong Turn 7.9 carefully hidden, spikey human traps out of 10.

Mom & Dad in Vegas / Robert Stack is an asshole

dream this morning:

i met my parents in las vegas for a trip. as soon as they landed dad went off to find a bathroom and mom wanted to hit the dispensary. (she never touched any illegal drugs in her life) we found one in the airport and they sold snacks and other food, but the cashier's window was closed. we were able to find a couple girls at an adjacent business who agreed to ring everything up for us. there were cakes, potato chips, bottled water and edibles. i made some jokes about eating all the food. mom told me that actor robert stack was going to be making an appearance at some bar and i needed to go down there. i told her she should go back to where we left dad so he didn't get lost.

i get to this bar and it's basically in someone's basement. it has a cheap wood paneled bar with some cheap wood paneled shelves behind it. there's a small sink and a basement window above it. i am waiting for robert stack and a few other people straggle in. stack eventually arrives, wearing some blue silk pajamas. anyway, he gets into an argument with the bartender before even greeting everyone who came to see him. he gets mad and goes outside, into a fenced-in backyard. he is pacing back and forth, talking. maybe on the phone with his agent or something. it seems like i confronted him but i can't remember.

suddenly my wife and i are in a big city, standing under an awning at the entrance of a swanky hotel. my wife is relating this story to an older gentleman. she asks me about the details on the time that famous actor came to that hotel. i go on to tell this guy how he was pretty much an asshole and my mom never got to meet him. he asks what his name was, and i say "robert stack, from unsolved mysteries" "oh, that's me" then i realize that i'm talking to an older version of robert stack and he seems very irritated.
then i woke up.

Movie Review: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019)

tonight's feature: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019) on Showtime
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Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark was decent, but a tad underwhelming for a Guillermo del Toro production. Maybe just right for a bunch of Taylor Swift tweeners but a little LIGHT ON THE FRIGHT for a grown ass manly man. But I get grumpy sometimes, maybe it was just amazing and I wasn't ready for it? We'll probably never know.

Based on the children's book series of the same name, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark wrapped its own narrative around many of said stories which basically involved a cursed storybook that created 'new' stories on the fly (in blood!) by the ghost of a mistreated girl from 100 years ago... that torment the characters of the current movie timeline... uh... Did I mention the movie is set in 1968? Anyway, there is quite a bit of fantasy wrapped up in the stories so you may or may not dig that aspect. I didn't hate it, so that's a small victory. 7 body parts of jangly man reuniting multiple times out of 10.

Movie Review: The Hole in the Ground (2019)

tonight's feature: The Hole in the Ground (2019) on Showtime
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The Hole in the Ground was a well done and spooky film, despite the generic title. I assume anything can be made into a horror with a title like that. The Guy Who Couldn't Stop Farting. The Dangerous Pothole Covered Small Town. The Turbulent Flight. I could do this all day. They apparently call this the "sinister child" subgenre, any time there's a sinister child, or what might be considered a sinister child, it qualifies. I can think of a few sinister children (new band name?) that I've encountered during my time.

Sarah and her son Christopher have moved out to the Irish countryside. The boy is scared of spiders and is dealing with some issues along with his "mummy". They almost hit a terrifying old lady driving down the road and this event kicks off the weirdness festival. Eventually Sarah finds a massive hole in the ground deep in the woods. She tells Christopher to stay away from it, but finds him missing late one night. She walks to the hole and looks everywhere but can't find him. Except when she gets back to the house to call the police, he is already there. OR IS HE? Once she sneaks a peek at him eating spiders, all bets are off.

I won't ruin the rest of the movie but if you like slow moving, creeper peeper, spider-eating children, twilight zone-ish mystery-horrors, this film will be right up your alley. Bonus guest appearance by Game of Thrones Commander Mormont. 8 mirrors hanging on every wall out of 10.

Movie Review: The Rental (2020)

tonight's feature: The Rental (2020) on Showtime
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The Rental was a great slasher flick, it completely oozed a sense of unease from the start that never let go. Two couples rent a seaside home for their weekend getaway and end up realizing they are being watched. Things go from bad to worse as they figure out someone is actually coming for them. The creep factor is very high and this film should make you nervously double check your next Airbnb for remote cameras. The Rental came out during the pandemic lockdown, but if we're lucky they will make a sequel as this has potential written all over it. 8.5 hidden showerhead cameras out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

tonight's feature: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) on Showtime
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Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers was better than Halloween 5 (by a mile) and on par with the terrible level of Halloween 4. An entirely new family of Strodes living in yet a different "Michael Myers" house. But this time we get the backstory on the Thorn cult who somehow created the evil Michael something something. It was funny seeing Paul Rudd acting ridiculous in his first feature film (as Tommy Doyle, the grown up version of a kid in the original), and of course there were way too many head scratching moments. The ending was even more dumb, if that is possible. I guess I will need to watch the Producer's Cut version to see what they edited and reshot, but that will probably be even more painful to sit through. 4 injections of unknown yellow fluid into Michael Myers back out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

tonight's feature: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) on Shudder
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(SPOILERS and RANTING) I've got to admit, Halloween 5 is pretty damn epic. Epically terrible. Heaps upon heaps of awful. Mixed in there somewhere is what should have been a decent little horror story. Yes, I knew all that going in and even expected it, but I thought, "how bad can it really be?" Well, it's a festival of OPEs, OOFs and WOOPSIES.

We have the return of little Jamie, who I thought did some murdering at the end of the last movie. She's lost her voice now and lives in a hospital. Michael escapes(?) or whatever and he's got the mark of the beast or something, but he must destroy this little girl. Why? Not sure yet, will have to wait for the next movie.

Anyway, perpetually trenchcoated Dr. Loomis is now reduced to a deranged, nagging doomsayer. He hovers around Jamie and since she is telepathically linked to Michael, he's hounding her for info. "Where is he?! Why are you hiding him?! aaaaah!" Calm down, Loomis, you're harshing my buzz.

Some of Halloween 5's worst offenses include Michael Myers driving vehicles. Not only does he kill the local Fonzie, but he takes his muscle car and picks up Tina, AT THE CORRECT TIME FOR THEIR DATE... wearing a totally different mask. She eventually gets tired of the silent treatment and makes him stop for cigarettes. At this point I am wondering why she didn't at least give him a handy? Would have really classed up the movie. Tina gets busted by the cops and he drives off... TO THE BIG PARTY. Who gave him directions? and who the shit taught him how to drive? I know he drove in the first movie, but that was absurd also. He was institutionalized at age 6 or whatever. Then he's chasing these kids around in the muscle car, trying to run them over. Later he's driving a cop car. So dumb. At the party some guy has the same mask and work onesie as Michael and there is a romp in the barn. Instead of tricking the girl into having some Myers standard-issue missionary, he waits until they're doing it to do his own poking, with a pitchfork. Throw in some bad comedy from the Laurel & Hardy of local cops for no reason.

I'm not sure I can even address all these issues unless I intend on sitting here typing all day long. Loomis tells Michael to go to his old house, except it's not the same house from the first film, what? Loomis leaves Jamie in the house with yet another dumbshit cop.

Jamie hides in the laundry chute and presumably falls into the basement, but the chute is 'locked' at the bottom? Michael comes down several flights of stairs in a few seconds and gets the bottom opened up and starts stabbing the thing, she manages to crawl up to the next level and escape after not being able to move at all. Sure, man, whatever.

Eventually Jamie ends up in the attic, where Michael has many lit candles(?), dead body trophies and a little coffin for her? She decides to lie down in the coffin? uhh, no. Michael comes to stab her and she calls him "uncle boogeyman" or something, so he stops and takes his mask off.. AND CRIES LIKE A BABY.. before getting back into his regular rage. Later Loomis uses Jamie as bait and lures Michael under a netting made of chains, drops them, then shoots him full of tranquilizers(?) and finally passes out on top of him. THEN we see Michael in jail, WEARING HIS MASK, until this mysterious man in black shows up and blows up everyone to help him escape. The end?

What were they smoking when they pooped out this turd? Going to have to assume it was banana peels. I'm not a film genius but I might have at least scratched my head at some of this dreck before the cameras rolled. Dismal. 3 Michael Myers actual tears out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

tonight's feature: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) on Shudder
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night 33 #31NightsofHalloween

Halloween 4 is a weird movie. They decided the Michael Myers story was played out after 2 films and came back with the weirding ways of Halloween 3, but the drop off in ticket sales caused a change of heart. "Bring back Mike!" someone probably shouted. So 10 years after the original and 8 years after the sequel we get the spinoff "Thorn Trilogy" of Halloween 4, 5 and 6. This being the first of the three, it doesn't really divulge too much, except that now Michael has returned to Haddonfield to kill a little girl, the daughter of Laurie Strode. We don't know why, but we do know that if you get in his way, he will throw you into a power plant grid, or poke his entire hand through your jawline. I have to admit, the mask looks a little goofy in some shots. But the 1980s hairdos of the younger characters more than make up for it in nostalgia points. The end landed like a dud on this old fart critic, but maybe you felt otherwise. On to Halloween 5 tonight, wish me luck. 6 rooftop chase scenes out of 10.

Movie Review: Blood Vessel (2019)

tonight's feature: Blood Vessel (2019) on Shudder
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night 32 #31NightsofHalloween

What makes a movie great? I have no idea and neither did the writers & producers of Blood Vessel. They can take the automatic winning formula of vampires & nazis on a nazi boat and somehow make it lame. How lame? Well you start with a life raft full of international characters who can't seem to get along to save their lives, pepper them with ham-fisted, stereotypical dialogue, and try to make the audience care. Just about the time you nod off, they find out there are some real life, bat-faced ancient vampires onboard. Things get cookin' and suddenly people start dyin'. Oh yeah, the main vampire can control your mind if you get bitten. Kind of an unfair advantage, if you ask me. Pretty soon they realize they are all effed in the bhole and there's only one option to end this nightmare. Can they pull it off? Well you'll have to watch it and let me know. Still, it wasn't "terrible" terrible, just weaker than it should have been. Bonus points for the movie poster being better than the movie. 6 vampire nazi boats that I should have cared more about out of 10.