Movie Review: The Hallow (2015)

tonight's feature: The Hallow (2015) on Prime
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The Hallow is considered an Irish “eco-themed” horror and the evil spirits are repeatedly called “bad fairies” in reviews but I call it “a pretty damn effective movie” that I "would recommend." Adam & Claire move to the remote Irish village nestled near a large forest with their baby boy Finn. Adam does some biological conservational-type science work and has the superstitious locals spooked about upsetting the spirits of the forest. Unfortunately for Adam, they’re not just superstitions. Quickly the angry spirits are after them and the baby. If you’re not careful, they’ll poke you in the eye and ‘turn you’ into one of them. Which sucks, but it looks like you can still rescue babies in that condition.

Overall the mood was great in the Hallow and the bad fairies were gnarly. I did have a couple quibbles with the story, but I talked myself out of bringing them up. 8 sticky piles of black, intelligent, evil fungus out of 10.

Movie Review: ATM (2012)

tonight's feature: ATM (2012) on Prime
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ATM is a Christmas time movie about three people getting trapped inside a little ATM kiosk, sort of an aquarium for people who need to withdraw some cash, by a murderous psychopath. Also one of many movies where if you caught the trailer, you’ve already seen 90% of the movie. We spend most of the time trying to figure out why the faceless guy with the winter coat is trying to terrorize people but we never find out. It feels like maybe they thought this could be a horror franchise? I can’t say I wouldn’t watch another one, but only to find out if it’s as tedious and strangely pointless as this one. 5 clip-on patron saint trinkets out of 10.

Movie Review: While She Was Out (2008)

tonight's feature: While She Was Out (2008) on Prime
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(SPOILERS) While She Was Out was a peculiar little film only released in 5 theaters throughout Texas in 2008. Why? Guessing the inane plot twists didn’t test well and the dialogue was considered “somewhere between kindergarten and film school.” This film could almost have been summarized as “an abused suburban housewife tangles with murderous, would-be gang-bangers over a shitty parking job outside a packed shopping mall on Christmas eve” or simply “She almost got killed over a parking spot.”

Della, who’s husband is terrible and violent, takes off to get some more wrapping paper for christmas. While trying to find a parking space, she gets upset and leaves a shitty note on a car that’s taking two spaces. When she returns to the vehicle to leave, a bunch of teenagers decide they’re going to steal her money or kidnap her or rape her or something. A rent-a-cop shows up and gets killed by the ‘gang’. Della takes off in the vehicle and the chase begins. First she crashes into some material in a construction zone of new homes. She grabs a toolbox and hides. The gang shows up and tries to kill her, but she escapes into the woods. One of the gang members dies in the melee and they blame Della. Another 40 minutes of running through the woods with a toolbox and slowly killing the remaining gang members with the various tools, including a lug wrench and screwdriver. Until the end, when it’s just Della and Chuckie (the leader) remaining. Chuckie decides he has the hots for her and tells her she should leave her husband and run away with him. She seems to go along with this and they end up kissing passionately, which is exactly where I said WAIT, NOPE. NO WAY, GTFO.

Whatever goodwill I had going for the movie was completely shattered by this travesty and the next scene, where she implored this guy to have sex with her right there. Ok no. Not in a million years would this ever happen. Yes, she was trying to trick the guy but she killed all his friends and he wanted her dead the entire movie… and of course she was in shock and doing some hardcore murdering. So just stop. Anyway, she lights a flare in his face and takes his gun and shoots him. Then goes home and pulls a gun on her asshole husband. Then the credits roll. I’m sorry if I ruined the movie for you but I just saved you 88 minutes you can use to do something worthwhile instead of yelling at the screen like I did. Best quote from the movie? “There ain’t no gun can kill a spirit gone bad, she’s gone bad.” 3 red toolboxes if you’re being chased out of 10.

Movie Review: Saint Nick (2010)

tonight's feature: Saint Nick (2010) on Prime
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Saint Nick (or Sint, or Saint depending on where you live) is a Dutch dark comedy horror film where Santa is a disgusting, lipless, scar-faced ghost with a small army of “black petes” that come back every December 5th (with a full moon) to kill the shit out of everybody in Amsterdam. I didn’t get too many laughs out of this one, so I’m not sure where the ‘comedy’ comes in, but it was a decent enough film with some gore, a weird backstory and goofy English overdubs. My favorite part is that this Sinterklaas is actually the real Santa story but the one we grew up with is just a large conspiracy to cover up the truth. Saint Nick lops off some heads and stabs his way into our hearts every 23 years, which I think is the adequate amount of time required before a sequel should be allowed to drop. Parts of the movie felt a little forced but I didn’t hate it. Still, it should have been better. 6 explosive kamikaze boat attacks on Saint Nick’s ship out of 10.

Movie Review: The Day of the Beast (1995)

tonight's feature: The Day of the Beast (1995) on Shudder
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The Day of the Beast is very likely the best Christmas movie that came out in 1995. I don’t have any way to prove that but after watching it I can say it feels like something I’ve always needed in my life. This Spanish “black comedy horror” is about as rip roaring as a long acid trip with your buddies that goes completely off the rails. That makes more sense when you consider Jose Maria, a death metal dude who’s holding a bunch of acid, (and feeding it to his pants-less grandpa) gets roped into a mission to stop the birth of the antichrist in Madrid on Christmas eve. Father Ángel Berriartúa comes into the record shop and is looking for the most satanic record he can find, trying to figure out any clue where this antichrist will be born. He ends up staying at a hostel owned by Jose’s mom and they decide to kidnap a local tv psychic/celebrity to summon the devil for more details. Saying things go off the rails is a vast understatement. All three end up tripping balls as the adventure kicks into high gear, heading to the tv studio, the underground metal club, chasing down some virgin blood, getting chased by the cops, hanging from the side of a building, berating a crowd at a Nostradamus symposium, and meeting with a goat inside a pentagram, etc. That’s pretty much all I needed to make it my favorite Spanish language Christmas antichrist movie ever. 9 satanic demo tapes out of 10.

Movie Review: The Gingerdead Man (2005)

tonight's feature: The Gingerdead Man (2005) on Tubi
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The Gingerdead Man was likely dumber than you think it would be, with the surprising caveat that all the baking or candy or cookie related puns (along with the aggressively foul-mouthed and predictably ridiculous antagonist) actually made me laugh more than I groaned. I typically loathe horror comedies but sometimes I can’t hate them because they are just so absurd I end up chuckling like an inmate at the asylum. Granted, this is exactly the type of movie my 13 year old self would have written (minus the throwaway love story and probably all the backstory).

Insane killer Millard Findlemeyer (played by one Gary Busey) murders several members of a family while robbing a diner called Cadillac Jack’s. Later he is put in prison and dies by electric chair only to have his ashes sent to his mother, who happens to be a witch. She puts said ashes into a mix of gingerbread spice and sends it to the girl who helped put him away, who also happens to run a bakery with her alcoholic mom. Yadda yadda yadda, he is reincarnated as an evil gingerbread man, who shouts a lot and shoots like a stormtrooper. At one point he is driving a car with the help of some rolling pins and that should have been the ending, but he needs revenge or something, so he sticks around for many laughs and much mayhem.

So basically at some point the makers of horror films will run out of innocuous things to make evil (snow men, santa claus, gingerbread men, elves, etc) and we’ll finally get to something new? Don’t hold your breath. For the lulz alone I give this Christmas barf 3 ladyfingers out of 10.

Movie Review: A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

tonight's feature: A Christmas Horror Story (2015) on Shudder
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A Christmas Horror Story was actually four grisly Christmas themed horror stories. Some of them being better than others. All the bouncing around between stories is probably the saving grace of the film. You’ve got the teens and the ghost murder story, the Krampus killed your family story, the couple who took home a changeling instead of their son story, and the Santa vs Krampus and the undead elves story. Interwoven through them all is the alcoholic radio DJ doing an overnight Christmas shift (played by William Shatner). Shifting from story to story kept things from getting too boring and the big twist ending was probably the best part of the entire flick. 7.5 obscene elf insults out of 10.

Movie Review: The Advent Calendar (2020)

tonight's feature: The Advent Calendar (2020) on Shudder
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The Advent Calendar is a trippy French film that makes you wonder if someone slipped you some mushrooms before you sat down to watch it. At first it seems a bit silly. An evil advent calendar that grants some wishes and demands sacrifice? I’ve always been of the opinion you can make a horror movie out of anything: The Old Chair. Half a Slice of Pizza. The Teddy Bear. The Chimichanga. All of these could be evil and sinister if you try hard enough.

Eva is a paraplegic former ballerina whose father is suffering from Alzheimer’s. Her friend Sophie gifts her an old advent calendar from a Christmas market in Munich. Turns out there’s an evil spirit or demon or what have you living inside it. I’m not 100% sure but this thing looks like an antique. So if there’s candy in there, it might be super old and nobody would ever eat it. Anyway, there are some rules with this Advent Calendar, don’t toss it in the river, it’ll kill you. Don’t eat the candy unless you’re gonna eat all the candy, or it'll kill you. Don’t get it wet after midnight. Wait, that’s Gremlins. Long story short, if you open this thing, you’re probably gonna get effed in the b hole.

Eva is gung-ho for this thing and eventually she’s all about the magic and getting to walk again, but this creepy demon is gonna make her pay. Despite the ridiculous premise the film was engaging although the ‘careful what you wish for’ theme is pretty played out. The “non-ending” ending felt like lazy writing, and for that I have to give this flick 7 ridiculous premises out of 10.

Movie Review: Jack Frost (1997)

tonight's feature: Jack Frost (1997) on Shudder
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Fans of the B-movie schlock-fest that is Jack Frost (not the Michael Keaton Jack Frost) say things like “Get a sense of humor!” and “I love this movie, I watch it over and over!” while failing to admit it has possibly the dumbest premise ever, some of the worst writing and acting caught on film and that they personally may have suffered some sort of brain injury as a child. Seriously, I tried very hard to justify watching this abomination and not even punching myself worked. It could have been funny, but it wasn’t. Watching it was akin to being yelled at while you were in the middle of a painful surgery. Although I forced myself to the bitter end, I was only left with regret. RIP 89 minutes of my life.

Set in the fictional, butthole town of Snowmonton, a serial killer being transported in a prison vehicle ends up in a crash with a truck carrying “genetic research” goo, and he dissolves and becomes part of the snow. But he's not any ordinary snow, his DNA is fused with the snow and he's a powerful snowman murder machine, able to change himself from snow to water to ice blah blah blah. He's like Frosty the Snowman with an axe, but infinitely dumber.

Maybe if I was 13 years old and still then probably not. The bathroom scene was something people hyped up and even it was abysmal. This is the kind of movie you can only watch if you intend on becoming stupid on purpose. The kind of movie that makes you reassess your entire life and how you've wasted it. I feel sorry for the production crew and actors. Ultimately I want my money back. There is also a sequel, which begs the question: is there anything worse than Jack Frost? I am afraid to know the answer. Only because Shannon Elizabeth is in this, I will give it 1 carrot boner out of 10.

Movie Review: Better Watch Out (2016)

tonight's feature: Better Watch Out (2016) on Shudder
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Better Watch Out is a delicious mindwarp of a Christmas horror movie about a babysitter under siege by an insane psychopath. The film takes the typical ‘babysitter stuck in the house with a killer’ shtick and turns it on its head, culminating in more and more shocking surprises before the big ending. It also features the most annoying tweener of all time. I’ve never wanted to punch a kid in the face more than I did watching this movie. There's a lot of talk these days about every kid getting a participation trophy and kids getting soft or needy or what have you, but this kid is extra special.

Twelve year old Luke Lerner decides he’s going to finally have sex with his seventeen year old babysitter Ashley and can’t wait until his parents head out for the night. (Although 12 seems a little old for a babysitter in my experience) Anyways, after busting out a bottle of champagne, acting a fool and getting turned down, the peace is broken by a brick through the window. Things never get back to normal from that point on.

I can’t really divulge much more without ruining the story. A lot of people complained loudly about the plot and I get it. Suffice to say it pays off in multiple ways I didn’t expect and for that I can recommend Better Watch Out with 9 puffs of smoke through a hole in your cheek out of 10.

Movie Review: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

tonight's feature: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) on Tubi
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Silent Night, Deadly Night: a movie about what happens when traumatized children are repeatedly punished by overly harsh nuns with a broken religion. Just kidding, little Billy watches his parents get murdered by a guy in a Santa suit, so he ends up in an orphanage and gets triggered whenever he sees anything Santa related. Then one fateful day his boss asks him to dress up as Santa for the toy store and of course he becomes a cold blooded killer. If you haven’t been naughty, he may hand you a bloody box cutter, but otherwise, you must be punished.

Silent Night, Deadly Night got a lot of press for the controversy back in 1984. A serial killer dressed as Santa Claus was too taboo for America. The television ads were pulled 6 days before release and the film was eventually pulled from the theaters entirely. Nobody wanted their kids scared of Santa and people protested and made a big stink about it. Movie reviewers got in on the action too, including Gene Siskel, who castigated the production crew with a scalding “Shame on you!” on air. Even Leonard Maltin said “What’s next? The Easter Bunny as a child molester?”

The film itself feels amateurish. The acting is clunky and the dialogue is hokey, but the concept is brilliant. The movie took so long to establish the annoying backstory that it might have worked better to see it in flashbacks, so we could get to the frights right away. I especially love the idea that there’s a Santa suited serial killer on the loose and the cops just go shooting willy nilly at anyone dressed as Santa on Christmas. Look out Santas!

Don’t even get me started on the soundtrack. Whew! Someone picked some brutally terrible tunes. I hope that was intentional. I am still trying to process the fact that there are SIX films in this franchise, but I’m guessing when I get done I will merely blurt out “WHAT THE HELL?” in exasperation. Likewise, I am definitely not ready for that ride yet. The ending also felt like the screenwriter tripped and fell down some stairs as he was about to finish. Anyways, great idea, not so great execution. Some of the film was legit and for that I’ll give it 5 nuns whipping up some punishment out of 10.

Movie Review: Black Christmas (1974)

tonight's feature: Black Christmas (1974) on Shudder
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Black Christmas was always a bucket list film for me. Highly influential as an early slasher flick that went on to inspire John Carpenter’s Halloween, this 1974 Canadian cult classic is considered by some to be one of the greatest horror films ever made. I don’t know about all of that, but I do think it holds up pretty well. Some of those 1970s movies can seem pretty tedious at points and Black Christmas, despite the cult status, has its dull moments.

Inspired by the urban legend "The babysitter and the man upstairs", where a stalker calls the babysitter from inside the home, Black Christmas is about a sorority house where a creepy killer is shacked up in the attic with his victims, constantly making disturbing and obscene phone calls to the girls downstairs before they end up murdered, one by one.

I know it’s nit-picky but how did you call your own house in the 1970s? Maybe they had two phone lines? The entire premise would’ve been impossible after the advent of caller ID. For my money’s worth though, the bigger questions remain unanswered: If Clare was missing for so long, why didn’t anyone even think to check the attic? Did they check the basement? Why did Jess not leave the house when Sergeant Nash told her to walk out the door? Was Peter’s rage caused by years of frustration at the piano? Why did Mrs. MacHenry feel the need to so desperately hide her alcoholism? How do we know Claude (the house cat) didn’t commit the murders? Who the hell are Agnes and Billy?

One thing I did learn after watching Black Christmas, if you kill someone, just set their body in an upper window because no one ever bothers to look up there. 7 obscene phone call threats out of 10.

Movie Review: Scanners (1981)

tonight's feature: Scanners (1981) on HBOMax
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Scanners is an absolute classic scifi horror film that I somehow managed to avoid my entire life. On first glance, you might think this 1981 masterpiece is just about exploding heads, trench coats and mind reading. But this is Cronenberg at his disturbing best.

In this dystopian hellscape, human telepaths known as "scanners" are weaponized by multinational corporations for nefarious purposes. Homeless man and scanner Cameron Vale is captured by ConSec Corporation, given a drug called Ephemerol to control his telepathy, and set on a mission to locate a renegade scanner named Darryl Revok. It turns out there are underground scanner groups across the country and Revok is intent on controlling or killing them all.

Not sure how much I can buy into the idea of a scanner hacking computer systems using their minds but whatever. This gripping story had the early 80s flair and pacing of a spy thriller. I was kind of surprised at how much I enjoyed Scanners and stoked to find out about the existence of a number of sequels. I guess there was a reboot in the works in 2007 that never got off the ground. I was also shocked to realize that the bearded and bespectacled Dr. Ruth was actually played by the Prisoner's Patrick McGoohan. Very appropriate. 8.8 exploding skulls out of 10.

Movie Review: Gremlins (1984)

tonight's feature: Gremlins (1984) on HBOMax
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What can I say about Gremlins? I saw it as a 12 year old and loved the shit out of it. I watched it again as an old curmudgeon and I still loved it, but I have questions. Like, why don't I remember these Gremlins being so murderous? Why is Kate pouring them drinks and lighting their cigarettes? How did Gizmo drive that pink toy car with the little steering wheel and gas pedal? Why is Gizmo's nose so damn runny? Should Rand Peltzer be held criminially liable for the Gremlin murders? Who created the Mogwai and what in the hot spice was wrong with them? Are they a Chinese bio-weapon? On those last two questions we may actually get an answer, since HBOMax has a new cartoon series in the works, Gremlins: Secrets of the Mogwai coming in 2022. But Seriously, is Randall Peltzer the worst dad of all time? He can barely provide for his family, he misses Christmas, none of his inventions work for shit. GET IT TOGETHER, MAN.

The real star of the movie, or I should say the 'victim', was Gizmo. Just minding his own business in a small, wooden box in a tiny, dark corner of a shop in Chinatown. Meets a new family, watches TV and hangs out. Then BOOM, Corey Feldman is spilling water on his back. I actually just want to see a series where nothing bad happens, it's just Billy and Gizmo, playing songs on his Casio keyboard and singing, starting a new Youtube channel and becoming viral billionaires. But no, we have to have an entire town of chain-smoking, murderous Gremlins, laughing and tearing people limb from limb, only to take a break to watch Snow White at the movie theater. Totally unfair to Gizmo to drag him into all that mess.

I can't even remember what happens in Gremlins 2 and I'm a little afraid to watch it again. As the old man said, "With the Mogwai comes great responsibility," and I'm definitely not ready. 8 Gremlins playing poker out of 10.

Movie Review: Cronos (1993)

tonight's feature: Cronos (1993) on HBOMax
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Cronos is possibly one of the best flicks I've seen in years. It was so far under the radar I'd never even heard of it. That kind of makes sense when you realize it's a Mexican film from 1993 that serves as the writing and directorial debut of Guillermo del Toro, but not when you realize how great it is.

Antiques dealer Jesús Gris stumbles upon an ancient device that gives eternal life. Unfortunately for him, there are others who have spent their entire lifetimes looking for it as well. Just when Jesús gets a taste of its power, things quickly get out of hand and put his life is at risk. Ron Perlman (who I once gave an Uber ride to!) deftly plays Angel, the thuggish muscle and nephew of dying, rich businessman Dieter de la Guardia. Dieter has very little time left and is desperate to find the device. The story took some surprising turns and I was there for all of it. Great writing is great writing. My only regret is this didn't have a sequel. Highly recommended. 9 hollow archangel statues out of 10.

Movie Review: The Lighthouse (2019)

tonight's feature: The Lighthouse (2019) on Prime
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(SPOILERS) The Lighthouse is a fascinating look at what happens when two men are stuck on a tiny island for too many weeks in a row. Set in New England in the 1890s, Ephraim Winslow shows up to tend to the lighthouse with the cantankerous and flatulent curmudgeon, Thomas Wake.

Wake quickly becomes a harsh and terrible supervisor and the two men begin to squabble about anything and everything. Throw in some superstitions, a few tall tales, vivid hallucinations, a bunch of masturbation, rampant alcohol abuse, hearty rounds of sea shanties and a couple dead seagulls and you've got yourself an epic tale of growing intensity where there's still not much actually happening.

Pretty soon a storm takes hold and the relief vessel doesn't arrive, the rations go bad and finally the gin is all gone. You're sure these two are going to hump each other or kill each other and you're not exactly wrong. Once they start drinking turpentine you know it's close to the end.

The acting is superb and the dialogue here is amazing, including the soon to be lyrics: "Goddamn your farts! You smell like piss. Like rotten dick. Like curdled foreskin. Like hot onions fucked a farmyard shit-house!" A chilling descent into madness that isn't quite a horror film, The Lighthouse is still very effective for a period piece, but it's most definitely not for everyone. 8 vivid hallucinations out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

tonight's feature: Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) on DVD
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(SPOILERS) Although Halloween III: Season of the Witch has officially entered "cult" status, it definitely didn't start out that way. The filmmakers were hoping to turn Halloween into an anthology series, each subsequent film based on its own characters and stories and centered around Halloween night. But poor box office receipts and a lot of negative reviews killed that idea and Michael Myers was brought back six years later.

All of that aside, Halloween III is definitely a weird ass movie. An Irish witchcraft theme with a science fiction bent, it might be best described as an entire nation being terrorized by one annoying tv commercial: the Silver Shamrock Novelty company and their Halloween masks. If you didn't know already, this old guy wants to kill as many little kids as he can by using these masks with medallions embedded with microchips (and tiny chunks of the actual Stonehenge) that cause crickets and snakes to crawl out of your head. Why? Because why not?

Well local businessman Harry Grimbridge is on to the shady Silver Shamrock Novelty company and he ends up dead. The alcoholic Dr. Dan Challis, who was at the hospital during the murder, teams up with Grimbridge's daughter, Ellie, to get to the bottom of the murder. (Also looking to get in her pants). They eventually uncover a massive plot to kill all of America's children using a tv commercial and the microchip masks. After being captured, Dr. Challis must make his escape, battle sharp dressed robots and the evil Conal Cochran (the all time genius of the practical joke!) in time to stop the nationwide tv commercial from filling every child's head with crickets and snakes. But can he pull it off? 7 crickets and snakes out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween II: Rob Zombie edition (2009)

tonight's feature: Halloween II: Rob Zombie edition (2009) on DVD
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(Spoilers!) Rob Zombie's Halloween II is on par with his 2007 Halloween, extremely violent and twisted with a modern flair and another bitchin' soundtrack. While his first iteration was more of an origin story with many callbacks to the original 1978 film, this movie stood mostly on its own, for good and bad. The beginning is set right after the last film, then we see Michael escape. Flash forward to next year's Halloween and Michael can't stop himself from finding Laurie Strode (aka Angel Myers) to "bring her home", whatever that means. A young Michael and his now deceased mother Deborah Myers are constantly being shown as older Michael's inner voice and they drive his motivations, which quickly becomes tiresome. Especially when Deborah says things like "now go have some fun" before he splatters Annie Brackett all over the bathroom. Laurie also can see and hear these 'spirits', which is even more annoying, but not nearly as annoying as Samuel Loomis feeling sorry for himself when people accuse him of profiting off the murders.

After deftly killing off pretty much everyone else, Michael takes Laurie into a barn and is quickly surrounded by the cops. Loomis tries to intervene and ends up dead. Then Laurie kills Michael and puts his mask on, ending up in a hospital with a grin on her face, implying that she's going to be the evil killer now. Not necessary. These extra plot points kick a little sand over what was a decent and engaging sequel on its own. I'm not certain they thought of making another Halloween with Laurie Strode as the antagonist but we should be glad they didn't. 9 years later another group did the 2018 Halloween reboot which has nothing to do with these or anything else that happened after the John Carpenter original. You need a damn road map to get around all these diverging storylines. Anyway, I dug this despite the dumb extra stuff and weak ending. 7.5 grisly murders in a strip club out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort (2014)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort (2014) on DVD

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Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort is an apt title for a franchise about to give up on its iconic mutant cannibal brothers. But before I get too far into it, I would like to point out that Wrong Turns 3, 5 and 6 do not feature any actual "wrong turns" like the other movies. Essentially you're traveling somewhere and get lost and end up dead, except in these three films no one takes the wrong fork in the road. I mean, even the kids in the first Wrong Turn knew they were taking a shortcut, and maybe the films should have been called DEADLY SHORTCUT or something.
Anyway, at this part in our story, we're still a sequel to Wrong Turn 4 and 5, but also a prequel before the original Wrong Turn. Got it? The Hillicker brothers (Three Fingers, Saw Tooth and One Eye) all now live in an old, family owned resort (and secret sex ritual spa) with their non-deformed cousins, Bryan and Jillian Hillicker, who also need another Hillicker to keep the bloodline pure. Enter Danny, a cousin and his two carloads of big city friends, who thinks he is inheriting the resort. Well eventually most everyone gets killed dead in a grisly fashion, including one death by firehose up the butt. When Danny finds out he needs to breed with his cousin to keep this large hidden clan of inbred mountain people going, you'd think he'd be running away, but he's way into it. Danny lets Three Fingers kill his girlfriend and ends up running the place. And... Scene. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me but this is the last time I ever have to watch a Wrong Turn flick so I'm pretty goddamned ok with it. 5 weirdly subservient yet bloodthirsty mutant cannibal cousins out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012) on DVD
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Wrong Turn: 5 Bloodlines may be the dumbest film of the entire franchise, or the cheapest, I can't tell. Set in the fictional town of Fairlake, WV (a town that was once wiped out by hill people) during a fictional Mountain Man music fest on Halloween, a group of friends end up entangled with the Hillicker cannibal mutant brothers and their new pal, serial killer Maynard Odets. Maynard causes the kids to wreck the car and everyone ends up arrested and in jail. The three mutant brothers knock out the power and cell towers to the town and commit some grisly murders in order to help Maynard escape. A brief cameo by Ser Loras Tyrell from Game of Thrones (as well as a bigger role from the khaleesi's handmaiden Doreah) almost make things interesting. Other highlights include electrocuted security guard, Three Fingers feeding a girl her intestines to a soothing guitar solo, one victim getting buried up to his neck in a soccer field before he and his friend get ground up by a tractor, some classic drawn and quartered numbers, shots to the face or burned alive traps, you know, the usual. The movie finally hit a boredom threshold and I could barely hang on. Especially annoying was the fake downtown with zero people despite a massive fest going on. Easily the worst of the series from my perspective, and maybe the dumbest ending of any of them. 3 eyes poked out of socket out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011) on DVD
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Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings is a prequel to the first Wrong Turn, and it's about as gory as it gets. It hits hard in the intro with the grisliest of grisly and then turns straight to some gratuitous coed sex. A few bits of painful dialogue later we end up with a bunch of college students stuck in an old sanatorium during a blizzard, with 3 of the most inbred mutant murderous cannibal weirdos (new band name?) that money can buy. In addition to the aforementioned cannibalism, we also get a small cooking lesson by our friend Three Fingers, who enjoys deep fried human skin with a knifetip of fresh cut onion. Eventually these horny college kids get wise and start fighting back, with mixed results. Lots of blood and gore along the way and a surprise ending that ups the bar for the series. Could have been much worse, 5 'inmates run the asylum' themes out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) on DVD
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Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead started off white hot with grisly murders and a dash of boobs. Then the story gets set up: some high profile convicts are getting transferred to a different prison on an alternate route through West Virginia's murderous cannibal mutant country. The prison guards may have avoided the criminal elements by driving at night, but not ole Three Fingers. Fan favorite Three Fingers causes the prison bus to wreck and now we have 92 minutes of arguing, fighting and trying to escape between the convicts, a couple prison guards and a random girl they run across. Then the group finds an old armored bank truck and have to drag a bunch of money bags along and argue about it nonstop. People get killed, sliced up, lanced through the throat (or back) or what have you, like your typical gore filled mutant cannibal movie, but the nazi and the cartel guy simply cannot get along. More people die.
Finally the money is set on fire and the cartel guy takes on Three Fingers one on one, only to have his brain eaten raw. Then it's up to the prison guard to save the girl. How many times can you kill a mutant cannibal before he dies? A lot, apparently. Like most of the other Wrong Turn films, the concept looks great on paper. Too much arguing and not enough mutant murder action, but on par with the other films. 6 meat hooks through the face out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 2: Dead End Unrated Edition (2007)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 2: Dead End Unrated Edition (2007) on DVD
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Wrong Turn 2: Dead End came as the highest rated of all of the Wrong Turn franchise according to Rotten Tomatoes, so I'm not sure where I got off thinking it was going to be great. On paper it looks like a solid sequel: Henry Rollins stars as a former US Marine Colonel who is hosting a terrible survivor-type reality show until everyone starts running into a family of mutant, cannibal hillbillies. But it quickly gets annoying with annoying characters and even more annoying dialogue. Eventually Rollins character goes full Rambo and you're finally entrenched in the story, only to see him die in the dumbest, tough guy way possible. The version i watched was unrated, and maybe that was for the mutant incest scenes or possibly the giant human meat grinder at the old abandoned paper mill, not sure I want to know. On the flip side, if you like your deformed twin siblings very horny and murderous and your gore very splashy, you may be in for a gnarly treat by the end. 6 Henry Rollins tattoos covered in fake blood out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn (2003)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn (2003) on Blu-ray
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Fun fact: I expected to be ho hum on the original Wrong Turn. But I ended up digging it more than most flicks. Maybe the concept more than the execution: kind of a West Virginia, inbred hillbilly, deep-woods, chainsaw-ish-sort of massacre. I mean, I knew the watch tower was going to be set on fire as soon as they climbed up into it, the kids spent 30% of the film hiding underneath stuff looking at feet, and some of the story was a little hokey... but I was here for it. Also here for some Queens of the Stone Age early jams on the soundtrack. We'll see how it holds up as I dig into the next 5 sequels. 7.5 jars full of human meat in your hillbilly fridge out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

tonight's feature: Halloween: Resurrection (2002) on DVD
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Halloween: Resurrection is not the worst movie in the franchise, but it makes a compelling case. Basically, after the last episode (Halloween H20) where Laurie Strode chopped off the head of Michael Myers (surprise! it wasn't him) now Michael returns 3 years later to finally kill Laurie for real this time in a sanitarium. Then he returns to his childhood home a year later to hang around and kill people. Again we have the Wish version of the Myers mask which is now getting depressing.

Busta Rhymes character Freddie has a production company called "Dangertainment" and will stream (poorly) on the 2002 internet the adventures of 6 college students who brave the night in the Myers old family home. Did I mention it was on Halloween night? Anyways, at one point Busta Rhymes is wearing an identical mask and jumpsuit as Michael Myers, creeping about to scare the students, completely unaware he is being stalked by the real Michael Myers. Soon he thinks it's his assistant and yells at him before Michael wanders off. A bunch of the students die.

Despite the livestream being completely blurry and awful, it still attracts an entire party's worth of youngsters watching and eventually one begins texting our main character, Sara (Bianca Kajlich), Michael's location to help her escape. The worst offenses are saved for Busta Rhymes, who apparently is a karate nut and tries to fight Myers with fancy kicks and insults. But he does shock Michael Myers in the dick with a live wire and for that we are grateful. Then everything is on fire and we have to hear Busta Rhymes say ridiculous stuff like "burn, motherfucker, burn!" and "hey mikey, happy halloween!" and "trick or treat, motherfucker" before we realize once again that Michael Myers is alive at the end.

One reviewer said "It's so devoid of joy and energy it makes even Jason X look positively Shakespearian by comparison." No wonder they had to reboot the franchise. 3 chainsaws that break down when you're trying to kill the bad guy out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

tonight's feature: Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998) on DVD
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Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later didn't come highly recommended, or at all, but I got this DVD from the library and it's been sitting here for a week or more and I felt I should finish the entire series, so here we are. Besides the awful, awful 1998 haircuts, Jamie Lee Curtis rocking the 'pointy headed lady' and Josh Hartnett (who may have fallen into a passing lawnmower), the pencil thin eyebrows of Michelle Williams and tiny wisp of a mustache on LL Cool J, the movie was boosted(?) by the inclusion of one of Creed's hottest tracks as its go-to soundtrack. I don't remember the late 90s being so annoying, but I guess I wasn't paying much attention.

Regardless, in this iteration of the franchise, Laurie Strode is living under a different name and is a successful headmistress of a private boarding school. Michael Myers, with a brand new, slightly dorkier mask, shows up and starts killing everyone. Except Laurie, who ends up stealing his 'dead' body and drives it and herself over a cliff before chopping his head off. Ending the franchise, right? Right? Ok maybe not. While the movie itself was pretty much a paint by numbers of the earlier films, once Michael shows up, I gotta admit secretly rooting for the guy. For a minute there, I thought I was watching an earlier film. I can't remember seeing more "jump scares" in a single film that this. Not bottom of the barrel (we'll get to that one next!) but it definitely should be avoided if possible. 5 Creed ballads playing over the credits out of 10.

Movie Review: The Mortuary Collection (2019)

tonight's feature: The Mortuary Collection (2019) on Shudder
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The Mortuary Collection was a decent little anthology with a jammin' soundtrack. Probably not as scary as it should have been but whatever. 7 guys giving birth out of their man parts out of 10.

Movie Review: Good Manners (2017)

tonight's feature: Good Manners (2017) on Shudder
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(SPOILERS) Good Manners was a well conceived Brazilian film that tried to be a little 'werewolf sort of Pinocchio movie' with a dash of Frankenstein love story and LGBT musical thrown in for good measure. Another 'horror' movie that tugs at the heart strings à la Let the Right One In, but was ultimately more depressing by the end.
Clara applies for a nanny job and reluctantly moves in with single mom-to-be Ana. Over time we learn that Ana ended up pregnant after a hot night with a mystery man who could have been a local werewolf. Over the course of some unfortunate events, Ana passes away and Clara takes the baby to raise as her own. Seven years later we see Clara struggling to protect her little lycanthrope as he starts to resent her.
The special effects were a little better than I expected and the cinematography wasn't too shabby either. The run time seemed a hair too long but I enjoyed the story, which was almost as much a fantasy about the struggles of motherhood than a typical werewolf tale. 8 hairy kid backs out of 10.

Movie Review: Phenomena (1985)

tonight's feature: Phenomena (1985) on Shudder
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Phenomena (released in the USA as Creepers) has it all. For starters it's a Dario Argento film, so you know it's going to be twisted, but then throw in baby-faced Jennifer Connelly and Halloween's Donald Pleasence and jam them into a serial killer story about a girl with paranormal insect powers, an entomologist with a pet chimp, a deformed demon child, an all girl school in the Swiss alps and a soundtrack with not only Argento stalwarts Goblin, but also Motörhead and Iron Maiden. Besides the insane ending, Phenomena has probably the world's only 'young girl taking her friend the fly on a bus ride' ever put on film. I thought it was nice and bizzare and perfect for a trippy 80s horror flick. 8.5 larvae eating your flesh out of 10.

Movie Review: Blood Rage (1987)

tonight's feature: Blood Rage (1987) on Shudder
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Blood Rage (originally released in 1987 heavily edited as Nightmare at Shadow Woods) is a gore-filled, twin twisting, Thanksgiving day slasher. Young psychopath Terry frames his brother Todd in an axe murder at the drive-in theater and Todd is sent to the mental hospital. Ten years later, Todd has escaped his confines and everyone still thinks he is on a murdering rampage, but instead it's Terry who is getting the job done with his machete. Aside from that general plot outline, not much of the story or dialogue seems to make too much sense. On the flip side, the bitchin' synthwave soundtrack, 80s hair and fashion help transport you to simpler, more awkward (and horny) teenage times. Blood Rage felt like a bad trip from the very start, and Terry's lunatic Thanksgiving catchphrase "that's not cranberry sauce" sadly didn't manage to take off with horror fans around the country like it should have. 7 lopped off hands holding a can of Old Style out of 10.

Movie Review: Tammy and the T-Rex: Gore Cut (1994)

tonight's feature: Tammy and the T-Rex: Gore Cut (1994) on Shudder
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Tammy and the T-Rex is just a ridiculous movie that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Director Stewart Raffill access to an animatronic T Rex through some acquaintance before it went to a park in Texas. So he wrote a script in a week and started filming, and it shows. Tammy's new boyfriend Michael gets attacked by her ex-boyfriend Billy and eventually Billy dumps Michael in a wild animal park where he is attacked by a lion. While Michael is in a comatose state at the hospital, the oddball Dr. Gunther Wachenstein and his assistant Helga cut Michael's brain out and stick it inside the head of an animatronic T-Rex, giving Michael 'immortality' as a new T-Rex who is intent on destroying his enemies. Tammy eventually figures out that Michael's brain is inside and she and her friend Byron try to help find him a new body before the T-Rex body is destroyed. Or something. For being so dumb, it was pretty amusing. Although the added gore helped up the entertainment factor tenfold. If I had paid real money to see the non-gore version in the theater, I might have written a terse letter to the studio for wasting my precious time. Anyway, I'd give this gory original cut 6 shots of alcohol directly on the brain out of 10.

Movie Review: The Pool (2018)

tonight's feature: The Pool (2018) on Shudder
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The Pool is a Thailand-ish thriller about the unluckiest guy in the entire world who falls asleep on a raft in the largest (and deepest) pool in the country and wakes up as it's nearly drained of water. Somehow the pool has no ladders or steps to get out, so he's stuck in there, first with a broken fingernail, then a wet cellphone, then with his girlfriend who has a head injury, one roll of duct tape, a big ass crocodile, aaaand a broken leg... all while his dog is chained up nearby. A constant stream of ridiculous unluckiness continues until you simply can't care anymore and wish you didn't get up that morning. 6 hard boiled crocodile eggs out of 10.

Movie Review: Dogs Don't Wear Pants (2020)

tonight's feature: Dogs Don't Wear Pants (2020) on Shudder
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Dogs Don't Wear Pants is not for the squeamish. This kinky Finnish movie may take you to some uncomfortable places, but it's not quite a horror film. They call it an "erotic black comedy". It's about a surgeon who becomes a widower and has to raise his young daughter alone. Years go by and eventually he stumbles into this situation with a dominatrix so he can feel something again. His life turns upside down and shit gets... weird. Highly recommended if you're into watching torture, making people crawl around on the floor in bondage gear and general weirdness. 6.9 plastic bags choking you unconscious to the point of death out of 10.

Movie Review: Horror Express (1972)

tonight's feature: Horror Express (1972) on Shudder
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Horror Express was everything you want in a 1972 monster movie set on a speeding Russian train. Besides the obvious triple threat of Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and Telly Savalas, you've got an ancient humanoid, fossil-type of frozen, red-eyed beast-man. We're not talking about an ordinary beast-man either, this one can absorb your entire life's memories and knowledge, take over your body AND control the undead. Not to mention it's been around since the beginning of time. So the deck is pretty stacked against the mere mortals just trying to joyride across the Siberian tundra on this luxury locomotive. I mean, you can't fight this kind of existential evil intelligence with a bunch of hats, mustaches and muskets! Long story short, this was a pretty cool and weird old movie and I need more like it. 8 exploding train cars out of 10.

Movie Review: Wolfcop (2014)

tonight's feature: Wolfcop (2014) on Shudder
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(SPOILERS) Wolfcop feels like it should have come out in 1986 instead of 2014. It's cheesy and tongue-in-cheek corny. I typically get annoyed with horror comedy movies because they feel so ridiculous and just aren't scary. Wolfcop screams ridiculous from the title and here I was enjoying it. It was even described as a "Canadian superhero comedy horror" so clearly you should get your money's worth somewhere in there. Lou Garou is an alcoholic sheriff's deputy in some run of the mill small crappy town who ends up getting turned into a werewolf by some changelings so they can drink his blood and live eternally. Apparently he isn't the first, but he's going to be the one who puts an end to it. Lots of spurting blood, explosions, gun battles, fight scenes and mayhem in between points A and B along with some dirty werewolf sexy time, a werewolf car hot-rodding session and even an exploding man-penis to werewolf-weiner scene. (Hopefully the last of its kind.) If I took this movie seriously I would have been disappointed (and probably failed at life), but for shits and giggles (and the stoner rock soundtrack) I'd give this eclectic piece of Canadian cinema 7.7 donuts out of 10.

Movie Review: Prisoners of the Ghostland (2021)

tonight's feature: Prisoners of the Ghostland (2021) on Shudder
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(SPOILERS?) Prisoners of the Ghostland is what happens when someone grows up without hearing the word "no". That's not always a bad thing , all things considered, and some people are going to love this movie by Japanese director Sion Sono. I mean if it says "deliriously gonzo genre mash-up" in the header you're probably going to have to strap in for the thing in the first place.
I just keep thinking back to when Vince Neil punched that lady outside the airport or whatever and a drunken Nic Cage grabbed him tight and was crying, trying to calm him down. That's the Nicolas Cage movie I want to see. Instead we have this post-apocyliptic western sort of samurai vigilante via Mad Max radioactive thunderdome sort of Japanese revenge-adventure movie that tries to do all the things but still ends up feeling like an overproduced 1990s Mtv video. At the same time, I was never a big fan of Nicolas Cage. I did like that Mandy movie and Colour Out of Space, so I'm open to the idea, and the movie poster is ON FIRE.
Essentially, Prisoners of the Ghostland is a bit of a hot mess and I definitely should have eaten some mushrooms. There are moments of levity, like when Cage yells out “I’ll karate chop you! Hi-fucking-ya!” or when he gives a motivational speech and screams about his one remaining testicle. But if you're a film nihilist, this may be right up your disturbing alley as it's pretty to look at (most of the time), violent as hell and weirder than a 17 dollar bill. 7 testicle-detonators out of 10.

Movie Review: The Pale Door (2020)

tonight's feature: The Pale Door (2020) on Shudder
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Watching a movie like The Pale Door gave me hope. The hope that even I could poop out a movie someday, and no matter how terrible, someone out there would watch it and say "hey, that was ok." That is unlikely what people are saying about The Pale Door, however. I feel like I am pretty generous with my reviews, for the most part. I know these people put a lot of heart and soul and money into their movies. But it might make more sense to put some quality control in there somehow, somewhere, if you're going to make an actual movie.

What I'm trying to say is this movie is bad. Bad like a horrible fart caught inside some rotten food that was forgotten in a hot car filled with dirty diapers, parked in a garbage dump next a manure lagoon. It was so bad I'm not even going to justify talking about the details of the plot and acting and set design or costume design. Just watch it if you dare. Honestly if I say it's that bad, someone will watch it and say it was pretty good, but only because I set the bar so low beforehand. My point is, you should avoid this movie unless you need some background noise in your room so mom doesn't realize you've snuck out of the house. This was by far the worst of the films I have seen during my Halloween run. Worst than that Rocky Dennis Mask movie I hated as a kid. This movie made me want to not watch any more movies, ever. But I can't let the bad guys win. 0 witches in the old west out of 10.

Movie Review: Kill List (2011)

tonight's feature: Kill List (2011) on Shudder
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(SPOILERS) Kill List did everything it could to keep that intense focus throughout the film. There's a hit man and he's been out of work. He and his wife like to scream at each other daily and probably need counseling. He eats rabbit meat the cat drags in. He takes on some new jobs with his old buddy, gets stabbed in the hand and his victims begin thanking him. Then he starts getting a little violent and a lot paranoid. Someone murders his cat. Suddenly there's a weird cult in the woods with torches and masks made out of straw. They're going to hang some girl so he shoots a bunch of them. There's a chase, his buddy gets gutted in a tunnel, yadda yadda. Then he escapes to the cottage where his wife and child are staying. The cult catches him and takes his shirt. His wife kills a bunch of intruders. Then there's a big fight scene. He fights the hunchback. Who turns out to be... well I will say this, it doesn't make a lick of sense.

Kill List starts off as one thing and is pretty good at it. Then it does a 180 and is another thing entirely and is still pretty good at that too. But then there's a shock ending that makes about as much sense as Toto being the Wizard in Wizard of Oz. I'm not saying it's not quality, I'm just saying THROW ME A BONE, NOT A BANANA. I read one review that said "Of course if you hate films that make you think and prefer mindless entertainment, you would do best to seek elsewhere." Make me think? It made me think, alright. It made me think that the screenwriter didn't bother to button up his story. Maybe he started with the the shock ending and just rolled some D&D dice to write the rest backwards? That actually makes more sense. Still, I won't hold the ending against the rest of the film, because I'm probably just a dumbass. 7 grisly hand infections out of 10.

Movie Review: V/H/S/94 (2021)

tonight's feature: V/H/S/94 (2021) on Shudder
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V/H/S/94 is a messy anthology of found footage horror, the fourth in the series of V/H/S films. It's oddly charming and pitifully schlocky at times, but there are a few moments of brilliance mixed in. If you have a high tolerance for watching movies seemingly shot on 1990s technology (and loads of what I like to call HORROR PATIENCE) you might be the perfect target audience for this kind of throwback claptrap. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it either. Some of the shorts worked better than others, some I was surprised by and some were like ripping a band-aid off over and over. It's hard to rate a film like this since it's multiple writers and directors, but if I was rating only the parts I liked, I'd give it 7.9 exploding vampire bloods out of 10, but since I can't, I have to give it 6 vhs static overlays out of 10.

Movie Review: A Dark Song (2016)

tonight's feature: A Dark Song (2016) on Shudder
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A Dark Song was an oppressive pressure cooker of a film. Sophia lost her son and needs to ask an angel for a favor. She hires a guy and they lock themselves in a countryside retreat for some heavy duty, dark-ass ritual stuff. Things take forever before taking an ugly turn. Just when you think it's over, the movie hits paydirt, but you may have fallen asleep by then. Otherwise it's a slow walk into madness.

My wife was bored to tears by the film, but I thought it was atmospheric and increasingly menacing. Liam Gavin is definitely a filmmaker to keep an eye on. 8 freaky circles summoning demons or what have you out of 10.

Movie Review: The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016)

tonight's feature: The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016) on Shudder
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The Autopsy of Jane Doe had a lot of promise. The first half of the film stayed steadily on point for something epic. But eventually things ran out of steam as the audience was asked to jump through some big hoops which only snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

Tommy and his son Austin are small town family coroners who get a mysterious corpse from the local sheriff one evening. The mystery corpse has more than a few red flags that something is terribly amiss, but these guys don't quit... until the rest of the dead bodies start harassing them. Eventually they figure out (assume) that the new corpse is causing the problems, but it's too late. Too late for me too, because I didn't know I was going to have to do so many mental gymnastics to keep up the disbelief. You know that point in a movie where you say to yourself, "WHAT IN TARNATION?" and suddenly you realize you're sitting in your bedroom next to a farting cat, instead of wrapped up in a story. Which is kind of a shame because I did enjoy the movie. Except that one part where the family cat died, for no reason related to the plot.

My favorite thing about The Autopsy of Jane Doe was that Jane Doe was played by an actress, Olwen Kelly, who laid around dead and naked on the table while these two cut pieces out of her. My kind of acting gig. 7 depressed dads passing on the family tradition of the mortuary arts out of 10.

Movie Review: Ginger Snaps (2000)

tonight's feature: Ginger Snaps (2000) on Shudder
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Ginger Snaps was a campy little werewolf flick about two gothy, teenage, misanthropic sisters getting their lives turned upside down when one gets bitten by the local lycanthrope. Kind of like Mean Girls meets American Werewolf in London, or something. One reviewer said it was Jennifer's Body before Jennifer's Body, but I can't verify. It wasn't bad, and it wasn't very scary, but I probably would have enjoyed it more if I was 17. Apparently it's officially reached CULT STATUS so if you're a serious horror buff, you'll need to have this (and maybe the sequels) in your rolodex. 7.5 newly sprouted teenage werewolf tails out of 10.

Movie Review: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

tonight's feature: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014) on Shudder
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Despite getting high marks from critics, The Taking of Deborah Logan still took a lot of flack for being born out of the found footage genre. Me? I thought the film wouldn't have worked quite so well without it.

A team of students set out to film a documentary about an elderly woman suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's disease, but they end up with something else entirely... entirely sinister!

After a rather pedestrian start it became so gripping I could not look away. It was an excellent portrayal by Jill Larson as the possessed & struggling Deborah Logan. Except for a very few minor details, it was a near perfect horror movie. Or maybe I was just eager to like something after the abysmal 'They Look Like People' the night before? No one may ever know for sure, but The Taking of Deborah Logan should be considered an essential horror film from the last decade. 9.5 piles of worm and dirt puke out of 10.

Movie Review: They Look Like People (2015)

tonight's feature: They Look Like People (2015) on Shudder
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I can't lie. I hated this movie. I could not get into it, I hated the premise and the acting and everything about it. Especially the ending. I feel like this should come with a warning label: "The biggest waste of time of your life, BMV waiting excluded". The producer, writer, editor, and director should all be barred from releasing films. That will be made easier since it was all one man, Perry Blackshear. But really, They Look Like People is just essentially the story of an early Alex Jones where some man suffering delusions thinks everyone is an evil monster and there is a war coming. Maybe we do have a mental health crisis in America (or the world) but this movie doesn't really do anything for anyone except make them want to smash their tv. I feel bad for the actors in this so I will give it 1 dumb conspiracy theory out of 10.

Movie Review: The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015)

tonight's feature: The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015) on Showtime
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The Blackcoat's Daughter is a twisted little possession story that winds its way through several timelines before coughing up the big reveal. Written and directed by Osgood Perkins (son of Anthony Perkins of Psycho fame) the film is an atmospheric slow-burn that unravels a tale that gets darker and darker as it goes along. The premise was relatively simple but the narrative was crafty and complicated.
Rose thinks she is pregnant and decides to stay at the Catholic boarding school over break. Kat dreams her parents are dead. They never show up to pick her up for the break. Both are left behind with a few nuns. Later we see Joan is on the run and escaped from a mental institution. A man and woman offer her a ride after finding her alone at a bus stop. These two stories eventually intersect in a grisly albeit slightly confusing climax. The Blackcoat's Daughter is the kind of movie that leaves a menacing cloud of doom in the air for a few hours after it ends. 8 decapitated heads around a boiler out of 10.

Movie Review: Relic (2020)

tonight's feature: Relic (2020) on Showtime
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Relic was what you might call a 'Debby Downer' (no offense to my friends named Debby). Losing both my parents over the span of 7 terrible months is something that still haunts me and this Australian movie had a lot of parallels. Relic was basically the equivalent of watching someone slowly lose themselves: their memories, their faculties, their health and the will to live. Kay and her daughter Sam travel back to visit her mother, Edna, who has gone missing. She turns up and seems functionally out of it with a large black bruise on her chest. The movie drags on with some nightmares, growing mold, confusion and depression as we watch Edna not be herself, and something evil lurking all the while. Eventually you think this is what it feels when someone goes insane, but later you realize it might be you who is going insane. Eventually things reach peak insanity before a "what the hell was that?" finale.

I can't say I enjoyed the movie, since it was constantly reminding me of something too close to home. It was horrifying, but not in a fun, entertainment-value way. More like a giant mirror reflecting the existential dread and utter despair that comes with the loss of your family. 6 stained glass windows covered in mold out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn (2021)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn (2021) on Showtime
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Well, the joke's on me. I thought Wrong Turn was just a funny name for a movie... it turns out Wrong Turn is actually a reboot of a series 6 movies deep! How I missed every single one of them is not a huge mystery, I don't pay attention to most things unless there's a cat, some beer, guitar riffs or sweepstakes involved.

This Wrong Turn involves a decades old cult called The Foundation, living on a mountain, hidden from the world being freaky-deaky weirdos since the American civil war. The mostly annoying big city 20-something main characters, vacationing deep in Appalachia, step off the hiking trail and end up in the clutches of these bizarro nutjobs and of course it's awful. The weirdest thing about this film is that I hated it... until it hit the halfway point. The kids were annoying, the pacing was weird, the story seemed predictable, the cult leaders had very fancy haircuts and dumb accents... and then it somehow became compelling and got better and better as it picked up speed. The twist ending was even more rewarding.

So now I am required by law to watch the first 6 films and report back. In the meantime I'll give this Wrong Turn 7.9 carefully hidden, spikey human traps out of 10.

Mom & Dad in Vegas / Robert Stack is an asshole

dream this morning:

i met my parents in las vegas for a trip. as soon as they landed dad went off to find a bathroom and mom wanted to hit the dispensary. (she never touched any illegal drugs in her life) we found one in the airport and they sold snacks and other food, but the cashier's window was closed. we were able to find a couple girls at an adjacent business who agreed to ring everything up for us. there were cakes, potato chips, bottled water and edibles. i made some jokes about eating all the food. mom told me that actor robert stack was going to be making an appearance at some bar and i needed to go down there. i told her she should go back to where we left dad so he didn't get lost.

i get to this bar and it's basically in someone's basement. it has a cheap wood paneled bar with some cheap wood paneled shelves behind it. there's a small sink and a basement window above it. i am waiting for robert stack and a few other people straggle in. stack eventually arrives, wearing some blue silk pajamas. anyway, he gets into an argument with the bartender before even greeting everyone who came to see him. he gets mad and goes outside, into a fenced-in backyard. he is pacing back and forth, talking. maybe on the phone with his agent or something. it seems like i confronted him but i can't remember.

suddenly my wife and i are in a big city, standing under an awning at the entrance of a swanky hotel. my wife is relating this story to an older gentleman. she asks me about the details on the time that famous actor came to that hotel. i go on to tell this guy how he was pretty much an asshole and my mom never got to meet him. he asks what his name was, and i say "robert stack, from unsolved mysteries" "oh, that's me" then i realize that i'm talking to an older version of robert stack and he seems very irritated.
then i woke up.