Movie Review: Renfield (2023)

the horror continues... 21 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Renfield (2023) on Prime

Renfield may be a corny hot take from the guy behind the Walking Dead but it's high falutin' ridiculousness, gore-splattering and ass-kicking extreme fun if you're up for it. Taking a break from more serious horror, Renfield delivers classic characters in some modern ways and gives Nicolas Cage a chance to bare his fangs as Dracula. It's not Shakespeare, but I thought it was pretty damn entertaining. 8 jugs of Dracula blood out of 10.

Movie Review: Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

the horror continues... 22 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013) on Max

A slight step up from the first Insidious, Chapter 2 has some serious interweaving of characters and plot from the original film, and a large chunk of the movie has our hero possessed in the real world but fighting evil in the mysterious "further" world. I don't know if that makes it better or worse but there were some compelling moments and general creepiness. Unfortunately I can't shake the feeling that I'm too confused most of the movie to be legitimately scared. Still I'll need to watch the other 3 in the series if I want to get to the bottom of all this. 7 tin cans attached with string out of 10.

Movie Review: You're Next (2011)

the horror continues... 23 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: You're Next (2011) on Max

I hadn't heard of You're Next until last night and holy cow, was I missing out. It felt like the perfect horror flick; murderous, masked goons attacking a family reunion, a little mystery, a lot of violence, scares and some fighting back and kicking ass to keep you going. They even had scream queen Barbara Crampton play the matriarch of the family. Need to watch again asap. 10 crossbows and machetes out of 10.

Movie Review: Insidious (2010)

the horror continues... 27 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Insidious (2010) on Max

(SPOILERS?) I had no idea the Insidious franchise was 5 movies deep until someone mentioned it, which is surprising because the first movie was a bit of a letdown. A few too many unfortunate jump scares, super quiet volume for dialogue and insanely loud volume for action scenes, a kid we don't care about falling into a coma we don't understand, a convoluted backstory involving the dad that even he doesn't remember... plus there's darth maul's hillbilly brother in the netherworld, looking goofier than a pro wrestler after happy hour.

This movie should have been the next Poltergeist but they just couldn't keep out the corn dog plot points. Give me more creepy seances and less dream warrior scenes, please. Luckily I didn't hate it, so I may torture myself with the other 4 movies. 6 parasitic spirits hanging around out of 10.

Movie Review: The Deeper You Dig (2019)

the horror continues... 28 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Deeper You Dig (2019) on Prime

The Deeper You Dig starts off with a bang, trickles bits and pieces of ghostly apparitions, then leaves you hanging as it slogs along slowly before a thoroughly confusing resolution. I couldn't tell what was even happening at one point. Regardless, the entire premise hangs over you like a thousand pound anvil, waiting to drop.

Brought to you by the family team that made Hellbender, this mushroom trip of a movie will unnerve you and make you wonder what you'd do if you lost your psychic abilities and your daughter went missing. 7 tarot cards to remind you your faith is completely gone out of 10.

Movie Review: Graveyard Shift (1990)

the horror continues... 29 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Graveyard Shift (1990) on Max

(SPOILERS!) Another Stephen King short-story-turned-feature-length film, Graveyard Shift sounds like it's about some spooky graveyard crew getting haunted by the supernatural. Instead, it's about the world's worst rat infestation in the basement of the world's shittiest textile mill with the world's shittiest, most abusive foreman.

Set somewhere in Butthole, Maine, a widowed drifter rolls into town and takes a shitty job at the impossibly shitty textile mill. A few people die there mysteriously but no one even seems to notice. The jerky foreman (who is coincidentally banging the female workers in full violation of HR policy) decides to buy off the local inspector for a few months so they can stay open, despite having too many rats to flush a toilet and a massive fire hazard in the basement. His exterminator (played gleefully by acting legend Brad Dourif) can't even seem to keep up with the rat infestation. Jerky foreman forces a handful of employees to clean out said basement and eventually we find out there is a massive, cow-sized, pissed off queen mega-rat (with wings) eating people in a second, even lower basement, which leads to some underground tunnels, a river or two and what looks like 1,000 years of human bones.

One by one these hapless, small town cretins get gobbled up or shredded by the rat queen, which causes Jerky Foreman to go full Vietnam vet apeshit, eventually attacking our hero and his barely-there love interest. There's a big fight scene and one guy loses and the other guy escapes and the rat queen gets ground up in a cotton picker / giant machine thanks to a slingshot and an old diet pepsi can. The end.

I don't know how they got these rats to "act" in the movie but some of them definitely deserve tiny oscars. Significantly better than the last Stephen King flick I watched, somehow I didn't mind this being on the dumber scale of things. 6 rat sandwiches out of 10.

Movie Review: Vampire Hookers (1978)

the horror continues... 30 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Vampire Hookers (1978) on Tubi

Look, I'm not any kind of expert on shitty vampire sexploitation movies from the 1970s, so I can't be entirely sure here, but Vampire Hookers may be the tip of the corny iceberg of ridiculous vampire comedy romps. I know you're already saying it too, "You should have known better!" and you're right. Also known by a number of other titles, including Cemetery Girls, Night of the Bloodsuckers, Sensuous Vampires, and Twice Bitten, this cinematic masterpiece was allegedly included by Newsweek on a list of ten "excellent cheesy horror movies."

Filmed in the Philippines, Vampire Hookers focuses on two of the horniest and dumbest American sailors ever as they hit the big city of Manila with one thing on their minds: getting laid, while tangibly abominable 70s rock music plays in the background.

Things start out as fun and games and general buffoonery until the guys end up in the cemetery, preyed upon by an old, well dressed and classic-poem quoting vampire (played by John Carradine), his 3 sexy, vapid vampire vixens and their fart-huffing human slave, Pavo.

Naturally there are more stupid dad jokes in the script than minutes in the film. The cornball dialogue reads like a couple 13 year old boys wrote it and the 10 minute softcore vampire-orgy scene really leaves little doubt. There's nip and side-boob galore, to distract you from the script, I guess. You get the feeling that someone had to really try to make a movie so dumb and painful. But hey, it was the late 70s and maybe this counted for entertainment, somewhere. I wanted to be scared, or laugh, but I got neither. They should take "horror" out of the description though, the only thing scary about this is that someone funded it. 4 groan-worthy dick jokes out of 10.

Movie Review: No One Will Save You (2023)

the horror continues... 32 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: No One Will Save You (2023) on Hulu

(SPOILERS?) Another "aliens are NOT our friends" film for the ages, No One Will Save You has the best and most menacing aliens I've seen in a long, long time. I'm talking giant praying-mantis-legs mantis, gangly bone snappingly pop-and-lock body contortionist aliens who chitter and bark and scream in supernatural sorts of ways. Not to mention they have telekinesis and absurdly jointed feet and hands, and the ability to control human beings like puppets.

The main protagonist is Brynn, a lonely, young seamstress in a big house in a small town where everyone doesn't like her. We briefly follow her daily routine until later that night, when she is terrorized by a home invasion of the third kind. These aliens aren't E.T. trying to phone home, they're more like the terminator, hellbent on destruction. The story goes from zero to 60 and barely lets up in intensity until the last few minutes.

The craziest thing about this movie is the almost complete lack of dialogue, which I almost didn't notice. Everything about No One Will Save You seemed to be well done, the story, the aliens, the message, the sound effects and even the strange twist ending. Your mileage may vary. 9 small tentacled creatures crawling into your mouth out of 10.

Movie Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

the horror continues... 33 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) on Prime

(SPOILERS?) Not sure what's left to say about this groundbreaking, psychotic piece of horror, but The Texas Chainsaw Massacre undoubtedly inspired a million other horror films, including Aliens, which was considered a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre in space." At the time of release, this classic was so horrifying that people even walked out of the theater during sneak previews.

Set in the small, fictional town of Newt, Texas, a group of young people driving around eventually run out of gas and stumble upon a family of insane, murderous hillbillies. Shockingly, the gore and blood in the film are mostly implied and off screen, as Director Tobe Hooper thought he could get a PG rating by keeping things clean. That didn't exactly pan out and they had to delete scenes to even catch an R rating. One by one the kids are murdered until only Sally Hardesty remains. Many dark chase scenes ensue, with her impossible screams haunting you long after the film ends.

Inspired by real life, grave-robbing freak Ed Gein, who famously made a suit of skin (and more) out of his victims, the disturbing Leatherface casts an iconic presence in his makeup-covered skin-mask wielding his ever present chainsaw. Absolutely unforgettable and nightmarish. 9 bone filled houses out of 10.

Movie Review: Leatherface (2017)

the horror continues... 34 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Leatherface (2017) on Max

Leatherface has all the classic horror tropes: chainsaws, child abuse, murderin' hillbillies, corrupt cops, a disturbing mental institution, insane violence and gratuitous gore, torrents of blood, sex with a rotting corpse, you know, the usual.

Essentially a reboot of the Texas Chainsaw franchise with an origin story of its main character, the movie gets the job done despite some questionable plot choices. I don't think it was a blockbuster hit, but it sure was full of gruesome thrills. You even felt a little sorry for some of these murderin' hillbillies, for maybe 30 minutes at least. 7 flesh eating hogs out of 10.

Movie Review: Don't Leave Home (2018)

the horror continues... 36 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Don't Leave Home (2018) on Prime

Don't Leave Home is a polite little mystery movie that is probably a little too slow and a little too smart for its own good. I wouldn't even call it horror, if I'm being honest. It seems to drag and drag with unanswered questions, until suddenly there's a big reveal, which is even more perplexing. Then POOF, it's over.

Set in the Irish countryside, a struggling artist known for her tiny dioramas of Irish urban legends finds out there may be something sinister going on with a painting priest-in-exile. I've already said too much. 6 weird dudes in powdered wigs out of 10.

Movie Review: Dracula (1931)

the horror continues... 37 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Dracula (1931) on Prime

The first "sound motion picture" version of Dracula is a classic of a classic and an epically frightening movie... by 1931 standards. There are possums, big ones. Armadillos! Jerusalem crickets too. The bounciest bats I've ever seen. But also Bela Lugosi playing the titular character in such a defining way that every Dracula thereafter would be held to his gold standard.

Apparently though, seeing as this was still 1931, they didn't want Dracula attacking Renfield on film because of the "gay subtext" of the situation. A memo was sent to the director that said "Dracula is only to attack women." Which is weird, because it's still implied he sucked anyone's blood, time permitting. My favorite thing about this movie is that since "sound" movies were so new, they didn't think it would make sense to have music in the background unless there was a band playing in the scene. So it's oddly creepier this way.

Due to a great depression happening at the time, the studio gave up on the idea of a full version based on Bram Stoker's novel and instead co-opted the popular theater version, which explains the disconnect between the source material and the film. They even stole a plot point from the unauthorized silent film Nosferatu, when Renfield cuts his finger and Dracula wants a taste really bad.

At some point, Dracula knows they know he's a vampire and they basically say they're going to kill him. He takes off and gets in his coffin before sunrise to hide, where Van Helsing obviously finds him sleeping and puts a stake through his heart, off-screen (also a controversial moment, Dracula's death screams were edited out of the original version, too ghastly!). Why am I still rambling? I don't know. But I do know you can't tell if a Dracula is good unless it's as good as Bela Lugosi's Dracula. 7 classic off-screen howling wolves out of 10.

Movie Review: The Brood (1979)

the horror continues... 41 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Brood (1979) on Max

(SPOILERS?) Dear lord! Another disturbingly classic Cronenberg flick, 1979's The Brood. This Canadian, Sci-Fi divorce-horror twister may keep you guessing for most of the story, but it really kicks you square in the WTF at the end. Kind of a Rosemary's Baby if Rosemary was a psychotic, angry gremlin who kept getting wet. There's some heady stuff in here too, like "Psychoplasmics" whereby patients with mental illnesses let go of their suppressed emotions through physiological changes to their bodies, which may or may not lead to terrifying and deformed, murderous dwarf-children. Also included was a scene so upsetting it had to be censored in America to get an R rating. A film so unpleasant, Roger Ebert asked "Are there really people who want to see reprehensible trash like this?" You'll never look at a skin tag the same way ever again. 8 child sized mallets out of 10.