Movie Review: No One Will Save You (2023)

the horror continues... 32 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: No One Will Save You (2023) on Hulu

(SPOILERS?) Another "aliens are NOT our friends" film for the ages, No One Will Save You has the best and most menacing aliens I've seen in a long, long time. I'm talking giant praying-mantis-legs mantis, gangly bone snappingly pop-and-lock body contortionist aliens who chitter and bark and scream in supernatural sorts of ways. Not to mention they have telekinesis and absurdly jointed feet and hands, and the ability to control human beings like puppets.

The main protagonist is Brynn, a lonely, young seamstress in a big house in a small town where everyone doesn't like her. We briefly follow her daily routine until later that night, when she is terrorized by a home invasion of the third kind. These aliens aren't E.T. trying to phone home, they're more like the terminator, hellbent on destruction. The story goes from zero to 60 and barely lets up in intensity until the last few minutes.

The craziest thing about this movie is the almost complete lack of dialogue, which I almost didn't notice. Everything about No One Will Save You seemed to be well done, the story, the aliens, the message, the sound effects and even the strange twist ending. Your mileage may vary. 9 small tentacled creatures crawling into your mouth out of 10.

Movie Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

the horror continues... 33 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) on Prime

(SPOILERS?) Not sure what's left to say about this groundbreaking, psychotic piece of horror, but The Texas Chainsaw Massacre undoubtedly inspired a million other horror films, including Aliens, which was considered a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre in space." At the time of release, this classic was so horrifying that people even walked out of the theater during sneak previews.

Set in the small, fictional town of Newt, Texas, a group of young people driving around eventually run out of gas and stumble upon a family of insane, murderous hillbillies. Shockingly, the gore and blood in the film are mostly implied and off screen, as Director Tobe Hooper thought he could get a PG rating by keeping things clean. That didn't exactly pan out and they had to delete scenes to even catch an R rating. One by one the kids are murdered until only Sally Hardesty remains. Many dark chase scenes ensue, with her impossible screams haunting you long after the film ends.

Inspired by real life, grave-robbing freak Ed Gein, who famously made a suit of skin (and more) out of his victims, the disturbing Leatherface casts an iconic presence in his makeup-covered skin-mask wielding his ever present chainsaw. Absolutely unforgettable and nightmarish. 9 bone filled houses out of 10.

Movie Review: Leatherface (2017)

the horror continues... 34 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Leatherface (2017) on Max

Leatherface has all the classic horror tropes: chainsaws, child abuse, murderin' hillbillies, corrupt cops, a disturbing mental institution, insane violence and gratuitous gore, torrents of blood, sex with a rotting corpse, you know, the usual.

Essentially a reboot of the Texas Chainsaw franchise with an origin story of its main character, the movie gets the job done despite some questionable plot choices. I don't think it was a blockbuster hit, but it sure was full of gruesome thrills. You even felt a little sorry for some of these murderin' hillbillies, for maybe 30 minutes at least. 7 flesh eating hogs out of 10.

Movie Review: Don't Leave Home (2018)

the horror continues... 36 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Don't Leave Home (2018) on Prime

Don't Leave Home is a polite little mystery movie that is probably a little too slow and a little too smart for its own good. I wouldn't even call it horror, if I'm being honest. It seems to drag and drag with unanswered questions, until suddenly there's a big reveal, which is even more perplexing. Then POOF, it's over.

Set in the Irish countryside, a struggling artist known for her tiny dioramas of Irish urban legends finds out there may be something sinister going on with a painting priest-in-exile. I've already said too much. 6 weird dudes in powdered wigs out of 10.

Movie Review: Dracula (1931)

the horror continues... 37 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Dracula (1931) on Prime

The first "sound motion picture" version of Dracula is a classic of a classic and an epically frightening movie... by 1931 standards. There are possums, big ones. Armadillos! Jerusalem crickets too. The bounciest bats I've ever seen. But also Bela Lugosi playing the titular character in such a defining way that every Dracula thereafter would be held to his gold standard.

Apparently though, seeing as this was still 1931, they didn't want Dracula attacking Renfield on film because of the "gay subtext" of the situation. A memo was sent to the director that said "Dracula is only to attack women." Which is weird, because it's still implied he sucked anyone's blood, time permitting. My favorite thing about this movie is that since "sound" movies were so new, they didn't think it would make sense to have music in the background unless there was a band playing in the scene. So it's oddly creepier this way.

Due to a great depression happening at the time, the studio gave up on the idea of a full version based on Bram Stoker's novel and instead co-opted the popular theater version, which explains the disconnect between the source material and the film. They even stole a plot point from the unauthorized silent film Nosferatu, when Renfield cuts his finger and Dracula wants a taste really bad.

At some point, Dracula knows they know he's a vampire and they basically say they're going to kill him. He takes off and gets in his coffin before sunrise to hide, where Van Helsing obviously finds him sleeping and puts a stake through his heart, off-screen (also a controversial moment, Dracula's death screams were edited out of the original version, too ghastly!). Why am I still rambling? I don't know. But I do know you can't tell if a Dracula is good unless it's as good as Bela Lugosi's Dracula. 7 classic off-screen howling wolves out of 10.

Movie Review: The Brood (1979)

the horror continues... 41 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Brood (1979) on Max

(SPOILERS?) Dear lord! Another disturbingly classic Cronenberg flick, 1979's The Brood. This Canadian, Sci-Fi divorce-horror twister may keep you guessing for most of the story, but it really kicks you square in the WTF at the end. Kind of a Rosemary's Baby if Rosemary was a psychotic, angry gremlin who kept getting wet. There's some heady stuff in here too, like "Psychoplasmics" whereby patients with mental illnesses let go of their suppressed emotions through physiological changes to their bodies, which may or may not lead to terrifying and deformed, murderous dwarf-children. Also included was a scene so upsetting it had to be censored in America to get an R rating. A film so unpleasant, Roger Ebert asked "Are there really people who want to see reprehensible trash like this?" You'll never look at a skin tag the same way ever again. 8 child sized mallets out of 10.

Movie Review: The Menu (2022)

the horror continues... 42 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Menu (2022) on Max

Who knew? The Menu is the darkest, most absurdist satire of a horror film I have ever giggled my way through. If you think foodie culture is ridiculous, you might enjoy this twisted, psychological take on high end gastronomy.

I originally thought this was just a plucky drama about a fancy asshole chef who everyone hated, so I never bothered to check it out. Boy, was I wrong. This is more like a brilliant episode of the Twilight Zone but written by the people at Saturday Night Live. I can't ruin it by saying any more, but you'll probably hate it. 9 vegetables on sea rocks out of 10.

Movie Review: Infinity Pool (2023)

the horror continues... 43 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Infinity Pool (2023) on Hulu

(SPOILERS?) If it says Cronenberg on the poster, you know it's going to mess with your head. On that level, Infinity Pool did not disappoint. It's an insane, grotesque and gratuitous mindfuck of a movie. Like a freakier and futuristic Twilight Zoned American Psycho via The Purge with a pinch of Locked Up Abroad and some sprinkles of 2001: A Space Odyssey visuals, you can't seem to look away as things become more demented as the seconds tick by.

Set in the fictional seaside nation of Li Tolqa, a soviet-style dystopia with stunning beach resorts surrounded by barbed wire fencing (for your protection, naturally), a struggling writer and his beautiful wife end up in some dangerous shenanigans after renting a car with another sketchy couple. The resort has basically one rule, "don't leave the resort, the rest of the country is essentially a 3rd world hellscape." So of course that's exactly what they do.

Kicking off with what you might call 'a regrettable handjob', what follows goes from bad, to worse, and then to "OH JESUS, LORD HELP US!" Which is just the first of many times you'll be twisting your mustache saying "What in the Sam Hell?" during the film. The entire thing just keeps getting darker and darker until you're snapped out of it because of the blurry, bad trip sex scene with some very unfortunate nipple sequences. Also mildly unnerving are the invisible eyebrows of actress Mia Goth, which are distracting to the point of madness. "Are they even there? Are they shaved? Is she even a human?" Goth plays Gabi, possibly the most painfully annoying character since Jar Jar Binks, with several scenes so absurd I burst out laughing maniacally.

I expected to not like this movie, which means I ultimately found it compelling. It's definitely not for everybody. But if you prefer films that dry hump your brain sideways, force you to witness horrible crimes and perhaps a random terrifying nipple, Infinity Pool might scratch your freaky itch. 8 urns full of your clone ashes out of 10. My wife's hot take: "that movie is dumb"

Movie Review: The Nun (2018)

the horror continues... 44 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Nun (2018) on Max

Apparently The Nun is a part of The Conjuring film series, about a demonic presence in the form of a nun so frightening you might think it's Marilyn Manson's mom. Set in 1952 in a Romanian monastery, this Catholic nightmare unravels as a priest and nun-to-be are sent from the Vatican to investigate a mysterious nun suicide (new band name?). They hire a French-Canadian vegetable delivery guy to guide them and after a short journey, insanely evil stuff (that may or may not be an illusion) starts happening.

Since my expectations were super low, The Nun exceeded them and turned out to be a pretty decent flick. Despite a myriad of nonsensical plot machinations that may just be the filmmakers trying way too hard, I felt like it hit a groove somewhere in the middle. But then again, how evil is a demonic force if it doesn't ultimately manage to kill anyone? By the time the girl says "this place is no longer holy" most of the main characters have seen and been tormented by toe-curling evil for hours. Anyways, if I tell you it sucked, maybe you'll be less disappointed too, so definitely don't watch it. 7 vials of the actual Blood of Christ lying around in case you need it out of 10.

Movie Review: Riding the Bullet (2004)

the horror continues... 47 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Riding the Bullet (2004) on Prime

Riding the Bullet is a haphazard and awkward little movie adaptation of Stephen King's 2002 horror novella of the same name. You get the feeling while watching that they're trying to recreate some other, more successful King films but got tripped up making it set in 1969. Groovy soundtrack, except the casting is kind of weak and the intense scenes are still duller than an old butter knife. The story has its moments but it doesn't connect the dots on screen like it probably does in the text. Not terrible, not really scary, just a kind of bummer. Is 'soft horror' a thing? 6 roller coaster commemorative buttons out of 10.

Movie Review: Knock at the Cabin (2023)

the horror continues... 48 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Knock at the Cabin (2023) on Prime

Like almost every other M. Night Shyamalan film, Knock at the Cabin is yet another exercise in frustration with some craziness at the end. To be fair, I liked a couple of his flicks, but most are super annoying to me. If you're looking to grit your teeth while being properly agitated for 100 minutes, this might be your movie. I mean, it wasn't so much the premise, or the acting, but just the general clumsiness of characters and dialogue that has you shaking your head thinking "yeah right!" the entire time. I didn't hate it, but I was more irritated than engaged. I also sat there wondering if Shyamalan's has got a problem with gay couples after considering the plot. I hope not. 5 grasshoppers trapped in a jar out of 10.

Movie Review: Nope (2022)

the horror continues... 49 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Nope (2022) on Prime

Nope is the best movie I've seen in a long, long while. It hits all the nerd buttons: a little sci-fi, a little horror, great characters and great storytelling. I had wanted to see it last year but didn't make the time, now I get why everyone was talking about it. I would go in depth and yammer on, but I don't want ruin this one for anyone. If you haven't, go see it! 10 balloons popping out of 10.

Movie Review: As Above So Below (2014)

the horror continues... 50 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: As Above So Below (2014) on Prime

(SPOILERS!) If you dug The Da Vinci Code but thought it needed shakier cameras, some freaky horror bits and a singular focus of going deeper and deeper into the catacombs, this little movie might be for you. If you're claustrophobic, hate being lost, loathe found footage films or can't stand hearing people scream in French, you might want to reconsider this one.

Young Scarlett Marlowe, a young, accomplished scholar who speaks six languages (two of them dead) and is a black belt in Krav Maga (but weirdly never seems to use it). Scarlett is in search of the philosopher's stone, which is allegedly capable of turning base metals into gold or silver and granting eternal life. She finds the "Rose Key" in the opening scenes which allows her to use codes to solve the riddles of the Flamel's headstone(?), which points to the location of the philosopher's stone under the catacombs in Paris. In order to get there, they (Scarlett, her former fling George, and Benji, a cameraman prone to hysterical screaming) have to find a rogue "tour guide" willing to get them in the "off-limits" area. They end up recruiting a guy named Pap and he brings his girlfriend Souxie and his friend Zed for the adventure.

After arguing about going the hard way (climbing over bones) or the easy way (breaking down a blocked entrance), they opt for the former. What follows is a ton of claustrophobic screaming scenes, repeating what seems like the same locations over and over, underground rivers, arguing, getting mad at each other, underground rivers of blood, some topless chicks singing a chant, a guy they thought was dead, a room full of treasure, various traps, a ringing phone, George's childhood piano, some dehydrated medieval knight bodies, a haunted this, a haunted that, golems(?), a guy in a black robe in a chair, all desperately weirder going deeper and deeper as the entryways become blocked. After a while I was just expecting them to meet Satan and be crushed by some boulders. Kind of hoping for it, anyway. Well, they kept going down further and further, maybe tempting you to turn off the movie, and in a nine-circles-of-hell sort of way, they end up seeing shit they regret from their pasts so you think it's definitely hell. There's one amazing jump scare and they finally start dying. Scarlett sees her father hanging in a noose a few times. At one point Pap says "Are we dead?" and I'm thinking "I sure hope so."

But by the very end there's a major head-scratching twist and you're surprised, but also wondering "How did they get the footage off all the cameras they left behind?" So it's a bit of a mixed bag. I didn't hate it, but there were definitely some intriguing things going on. Maybe the best thing about this film is probably the poster art. 6 philosopher's stones out of 10.

Movie Review: Night Skies (2007)

the horror continues... 51 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Night Skies (2007) on Prime

(SPOILER ALERT!) A ridiculously well lit RV full of vegas-bound, annoying young people get distracted by a massive ufo sighting on the backroads of Arizona. They crash into some wacky Iraq vet named Richard's truck on the side of the road. One friend trips in the crash and gets a giant knife in his back. They quickly forget about the ufos and try to find help for knife guy, as they get stalked by some of the cheapest spirit halloween aliens I've seen in a minute. Knife guy dies, annoying Matt gets shot by wacky Richard, Molly gets sucked up into the ufo, aliens peep in the windows of the RV and get on the roof and jump around. June gets snatched through the back window. The aliens blow the remaining windows out as pregnant Lilly runs off into the woods while the worst possible soundtrack plays.

Richard finds his gun and follows Lilly to a little cabin. They barricade the door of the cabin and get briefly sentimental before the aliens walk on the roof again to be intimidating. Explosions blow all the wood planks off the windows and 3 or 4 low-budget chittering aliens walk in the cabin like they can't see shit. Richard shoots one and gets dragged off by another. Lilly grabs the gun and heads out into the woods. A green light from the sky rips the cabin to shreds as Lilly runs off and I start to hope it's over. Instead, she trips and gets caught in some barbed wire. The aliens show up and grab her feet before she can reach the dropped gun.

Suddenly we're inside some cobwebs of snot and mucus, an oozing, drippy-intestines looking room where Richard is covered in a family serving of eggs, spaghetti and parmesan cheese. He finally breaks out of his omelette prison and crawls, sweaty and naked, through a silly string net covered in slime. He finds a shoe, a flashlight and a revolver before spotting some aliens doing something very slimy and vaguely medical-looking to Lilly inside another large intestine sort of room. They feed her some nasty gloop and then expose her stomach, poke into her innards using their alien franken-fingers before randomly wandering off. Richard walks up and can't speak as she says "They took my baby." It turns out the revolver has one bullet left. Lilly sees it and says "please do it" and before you can ask "shoot the aliens?" Richard cocks the gun and shoots her in the head. The aliens show up and put Richard in a slimy hellraiser mucus bondage trap. They dissolve his skin and pull out his heart for a second, and then shove some snake looking mess of tentacles up his nostrils. They flip him over and shove some fluids up into his back as he vomits blood.

In the next scene, a park ranger shows up and finds Richard's body mostly covered in sand. Thinking he's dead, he calls it in, but he's shocked as Richard wakes up and the movie ends. Some text on the screen says Richard's body was found 100 miles from where his truck was located, almost a week after the 'Phoenix Lights' 1997 UFO event. Then it goes on about Richard being in a semi-catatonic state for a year, and how he had strange DNA on his body and clothes and they never found the RV or any bodies, and John McCain contacted the US Air Force demanding answers but the case was closed with no resolution, blah blah blah, movie was bad, blah.

Night Skies was petrified dook. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time, IN THEORY. Maybe the worst alien movie I've ever seen. 3 tendrils of tentacles shooting up your nostrils out of 10.

Movie Review: Evil Dead Rise (2023)

the horror continues... 52 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Evil Dead Rise (2023) on Max

Twisted and grotesque. Delightfully wicked. Deliriously demented. Just a few phrases that come to mind after watching the latest Evil Dead film. Did it reach the heights of the previous films? Yeah, I think so. Was it perfect? Probably not, but I didn't mind. What it did deliver were fantastically sick demons and terrifying scenes that put you on the edge of your seat. If you like your horror bloody, it comes with plenty of blood too. Evil Dead Rise reminds us that if you happen to stumble across a book of the dead, for fuck's sake, don't pick it up and start messing with it, especially if it comes with audio. 8 scissors all the way up your nostril out of 10.

Movie Review: Death Ship (1980)

the horror continues... 53 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Death Ship (1980) on Prime

What happens when an unfortunately haunted WW2 German torture ship tries to kill a bunch of cruise ship passengers with a massive boat collision? Sea murders. After floating on a raft for days, hours, or maybe less, the survivors drift next to the empty but still working, rusted-out vessel and find the magically lowered ladder to board. The Death Ship wastes no time trying to kill these interlopers and a variety of deaths await them.

The Death Ship eventually takes over and possesses the delirious, surviving captain. After strangling some passengers and yelling in German, he says the ship needs blood, but it kills one chick in a shower scene using a lot of said blood. There are tons of bodies to discover in the torture rooms as well as some nicely preserved dead soldiers in a giant freezer. The Death Ship also might force you to watch terrible German government propaganda videos until you go insane. Paradoxically, the captain will throw you overboard if you don't want to leave, OR might shoot you if you do decide to leave. The captain also gets super mad when the ship ultimately won't do what he wants and starts shooting it up with all the guns. Tragically he falls like a cornhole bag into the bottom of the engine room and gets ripped apart in some giant gears... because the Death Ship takes zero shit. After the world's most annoying kids escape with their mom and dad, the Death Ship goes after and rams some other ship. The End. Thankfully no sequel, although I'm shocked Hollywood hasn't already tried. 5 giant nets full of human remains out of 10. Favorite line: "Get in there you bitch!"

Movie Review: The Fog (1980)

the horror continues... 55 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Fog (1980) on Prime

The Fog is an essential John Carpenter horror film that shouldn't need an introduction. An epic revenge tale about a curse on a northern California coastal town, it culminates with the 100 year anniversary of a shipwreck and the "the vengeful ghosts of leprous mariners" (new band name?) who intend on killing 6 people as their unearthly fog envelops the area.

Maybe a little slow by today's standards, The Fog still can scare the bejeezus out of anyone under 13 years old. Hopefully you can figure out why there's a curse in the first place within some of that clunky dialogue. Featuring Jaime Lee Curtis, her mother ('Psycho' scream queen) Janet Leigh, along with Adrienne Barbeau (who was briefly married to John Carpenter at the time) were all setting the horror trends way back in 1980. 10 longshoreman's hooks out of 10.

Movie Review: The Black Phone (2021)

the horror continues... 56 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Black Phone (2021) on Prime

The Black Phone is perhaps more thriller than horror but an all around exceptional film. Set in the late 1970s and centered around a young boy and a murderous psychopath known as The Grabber (played with gravitas by Ethan Hawke), the plot, tone and direction take it beyond your typical horror schlock-fest and into the realm of Stephen King-like supernatural wonder, which makes total sense since it's based on a short story by King's son, writer Joe Hill.

Being a child of the 70s, I appreciate all the callbacks and soundtrack nuances stuffed in the film, even though I thought for a while the story was merely starting in some sort of flashback scene. Whatever. I thought this was a damn good, riveting, and suspenseful movie for the Halloween season. 9 vintage black rotary phones that don't work out of 10.

Movie Review: There's Something Wrong with the Children (2023)

the horror continues... 57 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: There's Something Wrong with the Children (2023) on Prime

Have you ever watched a horror movie and thought, "oh man, this is an outright snoozefest" but then after nearly giving up, you were finally like "oh damn, this movie sort of slaps!"(like the kids all say)? Well that's more or less what happened with me and There's Something Wrong with the Children. I'm no expert, but my hunch is There's Something Wrong with the Script.

Two bickering couples are hanging out in adjacent cabins deep in the woods. One couple has two creepy kids. They all go hiking and find a strange fort with a deep, foggy hole. The kids are mesmerized by the hole and start acting weird. Blah blah blah, the kids go missing, blah blah they fall into the hole. OR DID THEY? I wasn't sure what was going on and I didn't really care much... until the kids turned into evil little freaks. They start messing with the mentally unstable guy and he gets even more mentally unstable and before you know it people start turning up dead. Stuff gets good and bloody and then suddenly it's over, with one of those endings that makes you grimace like the time you rolled up to the library but it was already closed. Pretty decent flick if you're into bugs and chittering sounds. 6 pointless devil sticks out of 10.

Movie Review: Smile (2022)

the horror continues... 58 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Smile (2022)

Some people complained that Smile is derivative and lifts too much from It Follows, The Ring and Final Destination. I don't review films for a living so I didn't even notice, but Smile had enough evil weirdness going on to get me through the slow build up. Eventually I hit the "what in the actual F?" payoff point and was thoroughly engrossed.

There was an unfortunate cat incident (R.I.P. Mustache!), but if you can get past the you're-cursed-and-gonna-die-next premise you just might dig this well paced, disturbingly effective and ultimately freaky supernatural movie. They're already working on a sequel. 8 rows of teeth inside your unearthly skinless skull out of 10.

Movie Review: Among the Living (2022)

the horror begins again... 59 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Among the Living (2022)

Among the Living is arguably the best Anthrax record. But the 2022 horror/suspense film Among the Living is an arguably tepid, low budget, zombie non-pocalypse, "The Last of Us Walking Dead" drama featuring an unlikeable goofus named Harry and his little sister Lily.

Set in the wilds of the UK where the accents are thick enough for subtitles, the tent-camping duo try to stay safe in a plagued-out hellscape of beautiful countryside where the blood-sniffin' undead magically show up if someone gets cut. You take that general premise and sprinkle it with some nonsensical sappy scenes, a questionable soundtrack and a couple unfortunate plot twists and you've got a recipe for some incredibly minor thrills and general disappointment. 4.5 yellow winter coats out of 10.