Movie Review: The Hallow (2015)

tonight's feature: The Hallow (2015) on Prime
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The Hallow is considered an Irish “eco-themed” horror and the evil spirits are repeatedly called “bad fairies” in reviews but I call it “a pretty damn effective movie” that I "would recommend." Adam & Claire move to the remote Irish village nestled near a large forest with their baby boy Finn. Adam does some biological conservational-type science work and has the superstitious locals spooked about upsetting the spirits of the forest. Unfortunately for Adam, they’re not just superstitions. Quickly the angry spirits are after them and the baby. If you’re not careful, they’ll poke you in the eye and ‘turn you’ into one of them. Which sucks, but it looks like you can still rescue babies in that condition.

Overall the mood was great in the Hallow and the bad fairies were gnarly. I did have a couple quibbles with the story, but I talked myself out of bringing them up. 8 sticky piles of black, intelligent, evil fungus out of 10.

Movie Review: ATM (2012)

tonight's feature: ATM (2012) on Prime
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ATM is a Christmas time movie about three people getting trapped inside a little ATM kiosk, sort of an aquarium for people who need to withdraw some cash, by a murderous psychopath. Also one of many movies where if you caught the trailer, you’ve already seen 90% of the movie. We spend most of the time trying to figure out why the faceless guy with the winter coat is trying to terrorize people but we never find out. It feels like maybe they thought this could be a horror franchise? I can’t say I wouldn’t watch another one, but only to find out if it’s as tedious and strangely pointless as this one. 5 clip-on patron saint trinkets out of 10.

Movie Review: While She Was Out (2008)

tonight's feature: While She Was Out (2008) on Prime
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(SPOILERS) While She Was Out was a peculiar little film only released in 5 theaters throughout Texas in 2008. Why? Guessing the inane plot twists didn’t test well and the dialogue was considered “somewhere between kindergarten and film school.” This film could almost have been summarized as “an abused suburban housewife tangles with murderous, would-be gang-bangers over a shitty parking job outside a packed shopping mall on Christmas eve” or simply “She almost got killed over a parking spot.”

Della, who’s husband is terrible and violent, takes off to get some more wrapping paper for christmas. While trying to find a parking space, she gets upset and leaves a shitty note on a car that’s taking two spaces. When she returns to the vehicle to leave, a bunch of teenagers decide they’re going to steal her money or kidnap her or rape her or something. A rent-a-cop shows up and gets killed by the ‘gang’. Della takes off in the vehicle and the chase begins. First she crashes into some material in a construction zone of new homes. She grabs a toolbox and hides. The gang shows up and tries to kill her, but she escapes into the woods. One of the gang members dies in the melee and they blame Della. Another 40 minutes of running through the woods with a toolbox and slowly killing the remaining gang members with the various tools, including a lug wrench and screwdriver. Until the end, when it’s just Della and Chuckie (the leader) remaining. Chuckie decides he has the hots for her and tells her she should leave her husband and run away with him. She seems to go along with this and they end up kissing passionately, which is exactly where I said WAIT, NOPE. NO WAY, GTFO.

Whatever goodwill I had going for the movie was completely shattered by this travesty and the next scene, where she implored this guy to have sex with her right there. Ok no. Not in a million years would this ever happen. Yes, she was trying to trick the guy but she killed all his friends and he wanted her dead the entire movie… and of course she was in shock and doing some hardcore murdering. So just stop. Anyway, she lights a flare in his face and takes his gun and shoots him. Then goes home and pulls a gun on her asshole husband. Then the credits roll. I’m sorry if I ruined the movie for you but I just saved you 88 minutes you can use to do something worthwhile instead of yelling at the screen like I did. Best quote from the movie? “There ain’t no gun can kill a spirit gone bad, she’s gone bad.” 3 red toolboxes if you’re being chased out of 10.

Movie Review: Saint Nick (2010)

tonight's feature: Saint Nick (2010) on Prime
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Saint Nick (or Sint, or Saint depending on where you live) is a Dutch dark comedy horror film where Santa is a disgusting, lipless, scar-faced ghost with a small army of “black petes” that come back every December 5th (with a full moon) to kill the shit out of everybody in Amsterdam. I didn’t get too many laughs out of this one, so I’m not sure where the ‘comedy’ comes in, but it was a decent enough film with some gore, a weird backstory and goofy English overdubs. My favorite part is that this Sinterklaas is actually the real Santa story but the one we grew up with is just a large conspiracy to cover up the truth. Saint Nick lops off some heads and stabs his way into our hearts every 23 years, which I think is the adequate amount of time required before a sequel should be allowed to drop. Parts of the movie felt a little forced but I didn’t hate it. Still, it should have been better. 6 explosive kamikaze boat attacks on Saint Nick’s ship out of 10.

Movie Review: The Day of the Beast (1995)

tonight's feature: The Day of the Beast (1995) on Shudder
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The Day of the Beast is very likely the best Christmas movie that came out in 1995. I don’t have any way to prove that but after watching it I can say it feels like something I’ve always needed in my life. This Spanish “black comedy horror” is about as rip roaring as a long acid trip with your buddies that goes completely off the rails. That makes more sense when you consider Jose Maria, a death metal dude who’s holding a bunch of acid, (and feeding it to his pants-less grandpa) gets roped into a mission to stop the birth of the antichrist in Madrid on Christmas eve. Father Ángel Berriartúa comes into the record shop and is looking for the most satanic record he can find, trying to figure out any clue where this antichrist will be born. He ends up staying at a hostel owned by Jose’s mom and they decide to kidnap a local tv psychic/celebrity to summon the devil for more details. Saying things go off the rails is a vast understatement. All three end up tripping balls as the adventure kicks into high gear, heading to the tv studio, the underground metal club, chasing down some virgin blood, getting chased by the cops, hanging from the side of a building, berating a crowd at a Nostradamus symposium, and meeting with a goat inside a pentagram, etc. That’s pretty much all I needed to make it my favorite Spanish language Christmas antichrist movie ever. 9 satanic demo tapes out of 10.

Movie Review: The Gingerdead Man (2005)

tonight's feature: The Gingerdead Man (2005) on Tubi
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The Gingerdead Man was likely dumber than you think it would be, with the surprising caveat that all the baking or candy or cookie related puns (along with the aggressively foul-mouthed and predictably ridiculous antagonist) actually made me laugh more than I groaned. I typically loathe horror comedies but sometimes I can’t hate them because they are just so absurd I end up chuckling like an inmate at the asylum. Granted, this is exactly the type of movie my 13 year old self would have written (minus the throwaway love story and probably all the backstory).

Insane killer Millard Findlemeyer (played by one Gary Busey) murders several members of a family while robbing a diner called Cadillac Jack’s. Later he is put in prison and dies by electric chair only to have his ashes sent to his mother, who happens to be a witch. She puts said ashes into a mix of gingerbread spice and sends it to the girl who helped put him away, who also happens to run a bakery with her alcoholic mom. Yadda yadda yadda, he is reincarnated as an evil gingerbread man, who shouts a lot and shoots like a stormtrooper. At one point he is driving a car with the help of some rolling pins and that should have been the ending, but he needs revenge or something, so he sticks around for many laughs and much mayhem.

So basically at some point the makers of horror films will run out of innocuous things to make evil (snow men, santa claus, gingerbread men, elves, etc) and we’ll finally get to something new? Don’t hold your breath. For the lulz alone I give this Christmas barf 3 ladyfingers out of 10.

Movie Review: A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

tonight's feature: A Christmas Horror Story (2015) on Shudder
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A Christmas Horror Story was actually four grisly Christmas themed horror stories. Some of them being better than others. All the bouncing around between stories is probably the saving grace of the film. You’ve got the teens and the ghost murder story, the Krampus killed your family story, the couple who took home a changeling instead of their son story, and the Santa vs Krampus and the undead elves story. Interwoven through them all is the alcoholic radio DJ doing an overnight Christmas shift (played by William Shatner). Shifting from story to story kept things from getting too boring and the big twist ending was probably the best part of the entire flick. 7.5 obscene elf insults out of 10.

Movie Review: The Advent Calendar (2020)

tonight's feature: The Advent Calendar (2020) on Shudder
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The Advent Calendar is a trippy French film that makes you wonder if someone slipped you some mushrooms before you sat down to watch it. At first it seems a bit silly. An evil advent calendar that grants some wishes and demands sacrifice? I’ve always been of the opinion you can make a horror movie out of anything: The Old Chair. Half a Slice of Pizza. The Teddy Bear. The Chimichanga. All of these could be evil and sinister if you try hard enough.

Eva is a paraplegic former ballerina whose father is suffering from Alzheimer’s. Her friend Sophie gifts her an old advent calendar from a Christmas market in Munich. Turns out there’s an evil spirit or demon or what have you living inside it. I’m not 100% sure but this thing looks like an antique. So if there’s candy in there, it might be super old and nobody would ever eat it. Anyway, there are some rules with this Advent Calendar, don’t toss it in the river, it’ll kill you. Don’t eat the candy unless you’re gonna eat all the candy, or it'll kill you. Don’t get it wet after midnight. Wait, that’s Gremlins. Long story short, if you open this thing, you’re probably gonna get effed in the b hole.

Eva is gung-ho for this thing and eventually she’s all about the magic and getting to walk again, but this creepy demon is gonna make her pay. Despite the ridiculous premise the film was engaging although the ‘careful what you wish for’ theme is pretty played out. The “non-ending” ending felt like lazy writing, and for that I have to give this flick 7 ridiculous premises out of 10.

Movie Review: Jack Frost (1997)

tonight's feature: Jack Frost (1997) on Shudder
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Fans of the B-movie schlock-fest that is Jack Frost (not the Michael Keaton Jack Frost) say things like “Get a sense of humor!” and “I love this movie, I watch it over and over!” while failing to admit it has possibly the dumbest premise ever, some of the worst writing and acting caught on film and that they personally may have suffered some sort of brain injury as a child. Seriously, I tried very hard to justify watching this abomination and not even punching myself worked. It could have been funny, but it wasn’t. Watching it was akin to being yelled at while you were in the middle of a painful surgery. Although I forced myself to the bitter end, I was only left with regret. RIP 89 minutes of my life.

Set in the fictional, butthole town of Snowmonton, a serial killer being transported in a prison vehicle ends up in a crash with a truck carrying “genetic research” goo, and he dissolves and becomes part of the snow. But he's not any ordinary snow, his DNA is fused with the snow and he's a powerful snowman murder machine, able to change himself from snow to water to ice blah blah blah. He's like Frosty the Snowman with an axe, but infinitely dumber.

Maybe if I was 13 years old and still then probably not. The bathroom scene was something people hyped up and even it was abysmal. This is the kind of movie you can only watch if you intend on becoming stupid on purpose. The kind of movie that makes you reassess your entire life and how you've wasted it. I feel sorry for the production crew and actors. Ultimately I want my money back. There is also a sequel, which begs the question: is there anything worse than Jack Frost? I am afraid to know the answer. Only because Shannon Elizabeth is in this, I will give it 1 carrot boner out of 10.

Movie Review: Better Watch Out (2016)

tonight's feature: Better Watch Out (2016) on Shudder
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Better Watch Out is a delicious mindwarp of a Christmas horror movie about a babysitter under siege by an insane psychopath. The film takes the typical ‘babysitter stuck in the house with a killer’ shtick and turns it on its head, culminating in more and more shocking surprises before the big ending. It also features the most annoying tweener of all time. I’ve never wanted to punch a kid in the face more than I did watching this movie. There's a lot of talk these days about every kid getting a participation trophy and kids getting soft or needy or what have you, but this kid is extra special.

Twelve year old Luke Lerner decides he’s going to finally have sex with his seventeen year old babysitter Ashley and can’t wait until his parents head out for the night. (Although 12 seems a little old for a babysitter in my experience) Anyways, after busting out a bottle of champagne, acting a fool and getting turned down, the peace is broken by a brick through the window. Things never get back to normal from that point on.

I can’t really divulge much more without ruining the story. A lot of people complained loudly about the plot and I get it. Suffice to say it pays off in multiple ways I didn’t expect and for that I can recommend Better Watch Out with 9 puffs of smoke through a hole in your cheek out of 10.

Movie Review: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

tonight's feature: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) on Tubi
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Silent Night, Deadly Night: a movie about what happens when traumatized children are repeatedly punished by overly harsh nuns with a broken religion. Just kidding, little Billy watches his parents get murdered by a guy in a Santa suit, so he ends up in an orphanage and gets triggered whenever he sees anything Santa related. Then one fateful day his boss asks him to dress up as Santa for the toy store and of course he becomes a cold blooded killer. If you haven’t been naughty, he may hand you a bloody box cutter, but otherwise, you must be punished.

Silent Night, Deadly Night got a lot of press for the controversy back in 1984. A serial killer dressed as Santa Claus was too taboo for America. The television ads were pulled 6 days before release and the film was eventually pulled from the theaters entirely. Nobody wanted their kids scared of Santa and people protested and made a big stink about it. Movie reviewers got in on the action too, including Gene Siskel, who castigated the production crew with a scalding “Shame on you!” on air. Even Leonard Maltin said “What’s next? The Easter Bunny as a child molester?”

The film itself feels amateurish. The acting is clunky and the dialogue is hokey, but the concept is brilliant. The movie took so long to establish the annoying backstory that it might have worked better to see it in flashbacks, so we could get to the frights right away. I especially love the idea that there’s a Santa suited serial killer on the loose and the cops just go shooting willy nilly at anyone dressed as Santa on Christmas. Look out Santas!

Don’t even get me started on the soundtrack. Whew! Someone picked some brutally terrible tunes. I hope that was intentional. I am still trying to process the fact that there are SIX films in this franchise, but I’m guessing when I get done I will merely blurt out “WHAT THE HELL?” in exasperation. Likewise, I am definitely not ready for that ride yet. The ending also felt like the screenwriter tripped and fell down some stairs as he was about to finish. Anyways, great idea, not so great execution. Some of the film was legit and for that I’ll give it 5 nuns whipping up some punishment out of 10.

Movie Review: Black Christmas (1974)

tonight's feature: Black Christmas (1974) on Shudder
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Black Christmas was always a bucket list film for me. Highly influential as an early slasher flick that went on to inspire John Carpenter’s Halloween, this 1974 Canadian cult classic is considered by some to be one of the greatest horror films ever made. I don’t know about all of that, but I do think it holds up pretty well. Some of those 1970s movies can seem pretty tedious at points and Black Christmas, despite the cult status, has its dull moments.

Inspired by the urban legend "The babysitter and the man upstairs", where a stalker calls the babysitter from inside the home, Black Christmas is about a sorority house where a creepy killer is shacked up in the attic with his victims, constantly making disturbing and obscene phone calls to the girls downstairs before they end up murdered, one by one.

I know it’s nit-picky but how did you call your own house in the 1970s? Maybe they had two phone lines? The entire premise would’ve been impossible after the advent of caller ID. For my money’s worth though, the bigger questions remain unanswered: If Clare was missing for so long, why didn’t anyone even think to check the attic? Did they check the basement? Why did Jess not leave the house when Sergeant Nash told her to walk out the door? Was Peter’s rage caused by years of frustration at the piano? Why did Mrs. MacHenry feel the need to so desperately hide her alcoholism? How do we know Claude (the house cat) didn’t commit the murders? Who the hell are Agnes and Billy?

One thing I did learn after watching Black Christmas, if you kill someone, just set their body in an upper window because no one ever bothers to look up there. 7 obscene phone call threats out of 10.

Movie Review: Scanners (1981)

tonight's feature: Scanners (1981) on HBOMax
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Scanners is an absolute classic scifi horror film that I somehow managed to avoid my entire life. On first glance, you might think this 1981 masterpiece is just about exploding heads, trench coats and mind reading. But this is Cronenberg at his disturbing best.

In this dystopian hellscape, human telepaths known as "scanners" are weaponized by multinational corporations for nefarious purposes. Homeless man and scanner Cameron Vale is captured by ConSec Corporation, given a drug called Ephemerol to control his telepathy, and set on a mission to locate a renegade scanner named Darryl Revok. It turns out there are underground scanner groups across the country and Revok is intent on controlling or killing them all.

Not sure how much I can buy into the idea of a scanner hacking computer systems using their minds but whatever. This gripping story had the early 80s flair and pacing of a spy thriller. I was kind of surprised at how much I enjoyed Scanners and stoked to find out about the existence of a number of sequels. I guess there was a reboot in the works in 2007 that never got off the ground. I was also shocked to realize that the bearded and bespectacled Dr. Ruth was actually played by the Prisoner's Patrick McGoohan. Very appropriate. 8.8 exploding skulls out of 10.

Movie Review: Gremlins (1984)

tonight's feature: Gremlins (1984) on HBOMax
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What can I say about Gremlins? I saw it as a 12 year old and loved the shit out of it. I watched it again as an old curmudgeon and I still loved it, but I have questions. Like, why don't I remember these Gremlins being so murderous? Why is Kate pouring them drinks and lighting their cigarettes? How did Gizmo drive that pink toy car with the little steering wheel and gas pedal? Why is Gizmo's nose so damn runny? Should Rand Peltzer be held criminially liable for the Gremlin murders? Who created the Mogwai and what in the hot spice was wrong with them? Are they a Chinese bio-weapon? On those last two questions we may actually get an answer, since HBOMax has a new cartoon series in the works, Gremlins: Secrets of the Mogwai coming in 2022. But Seriously, is Randall Peltzer the worst dad of all time? He can barely provide for his family, he misses Christmas, none of his inventions work for shit. GET IT TOGETHER, MAN.

The real star of the movie, or I should say the 'victim', was Gizmo. Just minding his own business in a small, wooden box in a tiny, dark corner of a shop in Chinatown. Meets a new family, watches TV and hangs out. Then BOOM, Corey Feldman is spilling water on his back. I actually just want to see a series where nothing bad happens, it's just Billy and Gizmo, playing songs on his Casio keyboard and singing, starting a new Youtube channel and becoming viral billionaires. But no, we have to have an entire town of chain-smoking, murderous Gremlins, laughing and tearing people limb from limb, only to take a break to watch Snow White at the movie theater. Totally unfair to Gizmo to drag him into all that mess.

I can't even remember what happens in Gremlins 2 and I'm a little afraid to watch it again. As the old man said, "With the Mogwai comes great responsibility," and I'm definitely not ready. 8 Gremlins playing poker out of 10.

Movie Review: Cronos (1993)

tonight's feature: Cronos (1993) on HBOMax
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Cronos is possibly one of the best flicks I've seen in years. It was so far under the radar I'd never even heard of it. That kind of makes sense when you realize it's a Mexican film from 1993 that serves as the writing and directorial debut of Guillermo del Toro, but not when you realize how great it is.

Antiques dealer Jesús Gris stumbles upon an ancient device that gives eternal life. Unfortunately for him, there are others who have spent their entire lifetimes looking for it as well. Just when Jesús gets a taste of its power, things quickly get out of hand and put his life is at risk. Ron Perlman (who I once gave an Uber ride to!) deftly plays Angel, the thuggish muscle and nephew of dying, rich businessman Dieter de la Guardia. Dieter has very little time left and is desperate to find the device. The story took some surprising turns and I was there for all of it. Great writing is great writing. My only regret is this didn't have a sequel. Highly recommended. 9 hollow archangel statues out of 10.

Movie Review: The Lighthouse (2019)

tonight's feature: The Lighthouse (2019) on Prime
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(SPOILERS) The Lighthouse is a fascinating look at what happens when two men are stuck on a tiny island for too many weeks in a row. Set in New England in the 1890s, Ephraim Winslow shows up to tend to the lighthouse with the cantankerous and flatulent curmudgeon, Thomas Wake.

Wake quickly becomes a harsh and terrible supervisor and the two men begin to squabble about anything and everything. Throw in some superstitions, a few tall tales, vivid hallucinations, a bunch of masturbation, rampant alcohol abuse, hearty rounds of sea shanties and a couple dead seagulls and you've got yourself an epic tale of growing intensity where there's still not much actually happening.

Pretty soon a storm takes hold and the relief vessel doesn't arrive, the rations go bad and finally the gin is all gone. You're sure these two are going to hump each other or kill each other and you're not exactly wrong. Once they start drinking turpentine you know it's close to the end.

The acting is superb and the dialogue here is amazing, including the soon to be lyrics: "Goddamn your farts! You smell like piss. Like rotten dick. Like curdled foreskin. Like hot onions fucked a farmyard shit-house!" A chilling descent into madness that isn't quite a horror film, The Lighthouse is still very effective for a period piece, but it's most definitely not for everyone. 8 vivid hallucinations out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

tonight's feature: Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) on DVD
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(SPOILERS) Although Halloween III: Season of the Witch has officially entered "cult" status, it definitely didn't start out that way. The filmmakers were hoping to turn Halloween into an anthology series, each subsequent film based on its own characters and stories and centered around Halloween night. But poor box office receipts and a lot of negative reviews killed that idea and Michael Myers was brought back six years later.

All of that aside, Halloween III is definitely a weird ass movie. An Irish witchcraft theme with a science fiction bent, it might be best described as an entire nation being terrorized by one annoying tv commercial: the Silver Shamrock Novelty company and their Halloween masks. If you didn't know already, this old guy wants to kill as many little kids as he can by using these masks with medallions embedded with microchips (and tiny chunks of the actual Stonehenge) that cause crickets and snakes to crawl out of your head. Why? Because why not?

Well local businessman Harry Grimbridge is on to the shady Silver Shamrock Novelty company and he ends up dead. The alcoholic Dr. Dan Challis, who was at the hospital during the murder, teams up with Grimbridge's daughter, Ellie, to get to the bottom of the murder. (Also looking to get in her pants). They eventually uncover a massive plot to kill all of America's children using a tv commercial and the microchip masks. After being captured, Dr. Challis must make his escape, battle sharp dressed robots and the evil Conal Cochran (the all time genius of the practical joke!) in time to stop the nationwide tv commercial from filling every child's head with crickets and snakes. But can he pull it off? 7 crickets and snakes out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween II: Rob Zombie edition (2009)

tonight's feature: Halloween II: Rob Zombie edition (2009) on DVD
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(Spoilers!) Rob Zombie's Halloween II is on par with his 2007 Halloween, extremely violent and twisted with a modern flair and another bitchin' soundtrack. While his first iteration was more of an origin story with many callbacks to the original 1978 film, this movie stood mostly on its own, for good and bad. The beginning is set right after the last film, then we see Michael escape. Flash forward to next year's Halloween and Michael can't stop himself from finding Laurie Strode (aka Angel Myers) to "bring her home", whatever that means. A young Michael and his now deceased mother Deborah Myers are constantly being shown as older Michael's inner voice and they drive his motivations, which quickly becomes tiresome. Especially when Deborah says things like "now go have some fun" before he splatters Annie Brackett all over the bathroom. Laurie also can see and hear these 'spirits', which is even more annoying, but not nearly as annoying as Samuel Loomis feeling sorry for himself when people accuse him of profiting off the murders.

After deftly killing off pretty much everyone else, Michael takes Laurie into a barn and is quickly surrounded by the cops. Loomis tries to intervene and ends up dead. Then Laurie kills Michael and puts his mask on, ending up in a hospital with a grin on her face, implying that she's going to be the evil killer now. Not necessary. These extra plot points kick a little sand over what was a decent and engaging sequel on its own. I'm not certain they thought of making another Halloween with Laurie Strode as the antagonist but we should be glad they didn't. 9 years later another group did the 2018 Halloween reboot which has nothing to do with these or anything else that happened after the John Carpenter original. You need a damn road map to get around all these diverging storylines. Anyway, I dug this despite the dumb extra stuff and weak ending. 7.5 grisly murders in a strip club out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort (2014)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort (2014) on DVD

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Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort is an apt title for a franchise about to give up on its iconic mutant cannibal brothers. But before I get too far into it, I would like to point out that Wrong Turns 3, 5 and 6 do not feature any actual "wrong turns" like the other movies. Essentially you're traveling somewhere and get lost and end up dead, except in these three films no one takes the wrong fork in the road. I mean, even the kids in the first Wrong Turn knew they were taking a shortcut, and maybe the films should have been called DEADLY SHORTCUT or something.
Anyway, at this part in our story, we're still a sequel to Wrong Turn 4 and 5, but also a prequel before the original Wrong Turn. Got it? The Hillicker brothers (Three Fingers, Saw Tooth and One Eye) all now live in an old, family owned resort (and secret sex ritual spa) with their non-deformed cousins, Bryan and Jillian Hillicker, who also need another Hillicker to keep the bloodline pure. Enter Danny, a cousin and his two carloads of big city friends, who thinks he is inheriting the resort. Well eventually most everyone gets killed dead in a grisly fashion, including one death by firehose up the butt. When Danny finds out he needs to breed with his cousin to keep this large hidden clan of inbred mountain people going, you'd think he'd be running away, but he's way into it. Danny lets Three Fingers kill his girlfriend and ends up running the place. And... Scene. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me but this is the last time I ever have to watch a Wrong Turn flick so I'm pretty goddamned ok with it. 5 weirdly subservient yet bloodthirsty mutant cannibal cousins out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012) on DVD
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Wrong Turn: 5 Bloodlines may be the dumbest film of the entire franchise, or the cheapest, I can't tell. Set in the fictional town of Fairlake, WV (a town that was once wiped out by hill people) during a fictional Mountain Man music fest on Halloween, a group of friends end up entangled with the Hillicker cannibal mutant brothers and their new pal, serial killer Maynard Odets. Maynard causes the kids to wreck the car and everyone ends up arrested and in jail. The three mutant brothers knock out the power and cell towers to the town and commit some grisly murders in order to help Maynard escape. A brief cameo by Ser Loras Tyrell from Game of Thrones (as well as a bigger role from the khaleesi's handmaiden Doreah) almost make things interesting. Other highlights include electrocuted security guard, Three Fingers feeding a girl her intestines to a soothing guitar solo, one victim getting buried up to his neck in a soccer field before he and his friend get ground up by a tractor, some classic drawn and quartered numbers, shots to the face or burned alive traps, you know, the usual. The movie finally hit a boredom threshold and I could barely hang on. Especially annoying was the fake downtown with zero people despite a massive fest going on. Easily the worst of the series from my perspective, and maybe the dumbest ending of any of them. 3 eyes poked out of socket out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011) on DVD
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Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings is a prequel to the first Wrong Turn, and it's about as gory as it gets. It hits hard in the intro with the grisliest of grisly and then turns straight to some gratuitous coed sex. A few bits of painful dialogue later we end up with a bunch of college students stuck in an old sanatorium during a blizzard, with 3 of the most inbred mutant murderous cannibal weirdos (new band name?) that money can buy. In addition to the aforementioned cannibalism, we also get a small cooking lesson by our friend Three Fingers, who enjoys deep fried human skin with a knifetip of fresh cut onion. Eventually these horny college kids get wise and start fighting back, with mixed results. Lots of blood and gore along the way and a surprise ending that ups the bar for the series. Could have been much worse, 5 'inmates run the asylum' themes out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) on DVD
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Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead started off white hot with grisly murders and a dash of boobs. Then the story gets set up: some high profile convicts are getting transferred to a different prison on an alternate route through West Virginia's murderous cannibal mutant country. The prison guards may have avoided the criminal elements by driving at night, but not ole Three Fingers. Fan favorite Three Fingers causes the prison bus to wreck and now we have 92 minutes of arguing, fighting and trying to escape between the convicts, a couple prison guards and a random girl they run across. Then the group finds an old armored bank truck and have to drag a bunch of money bags along and argue about it nonstop. People get killed, sliced up, lanced through the throat (or back) or what have you, like your typical gore filled mutant cannibal movie, but the nazi and the cartel guy simply cannot get along. More people die.
Finally the money is set on fire and the cartel guy takes on Three Fingers one on one, only to have his brain eaten raw. Then it's up to the prison guard to save the girl. How many times can you kill a mutant cannibal before he dies? A lot, apparently. Like most of the other Wrong Turn films, the concept looks great on paper. Too much arguing and not enough mutant murder action, but on par with the other films. 6 meat hooks through the face out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 2: Dead End Unrated Edition (2007)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn 2: Dead End Unrated Edition (2007) on DVD
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Wrong Turn 2: Dead End came as the highest rated of all of the Wrong Turn franchise according to Rotten Tomatoes, so I'm not sure where I got off thinking it was going to be great. On paper it looks like a solid sequel: Henry Rollins stars as a former US Marine Colonel who is hosting a terrible survivor-type reality show until everyone starts running into a family of mutant, cannibal hillbillies. But it quickly gets annoying with annoying characters and even more annoying dialogue. Eventually Rollins character goes full Rambo and you're finally entrenched in the story, only to see him die in the dumbest, tough guy way possible. The version i watched was unrated, and maybe that was for the mutant incest scenes or possibly the giant human meat grinder at the old abandoned paper mill, not sure I want to know. On the flip side, if you like your deformed twin siblings very horny and murderous and your gore very splashy, you may be in for a gnarly treat by the end. 6 Henry Rollins tattoos covered in fake blood out of 10.

Movie Review: Wrong Turn (2003)

tonight's feature: Wrong Turn (2003) on Blu-ray
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Fun fact: I expected to be ho hum on the original Wrong Turn. But I ended up digging it more than most flicks. Maybe the concept more than the execution: kind of a West Virginia, inbred hillbilly, deep-woods, chainsaw-ish-sort of massacre. I mean, I knew the watch tower was going to be set on fire as soon as they climbed up into it, the kids spent 30% of the film hiding underneath stuff looking at feet, and some of the story was a little hokey... but I was here for it. Also here for some Queens of the Stone Age early jams on the soundtrack. We'll see how it holds up as I dig into the next 5 sequels. 7.5 jars full of human meat in your hillbilly fridge out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

tonight's feature: Halloween: Resurrection (2002) on DVD
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#31NightsofHalloween

Halloween: Resurrection is not the worst movie in the franchise, but it makes a compelling case. Basically, after the last episode (Halloween H20) where Laurie Strode chopped off the head of Michael Myers (surprise! it wasn't him) now Michael returns 3 years later to finally kill Laurie for real this time in a sanitarium. Then he returns to his childhood home a year later to hang around and kill people. Again we have the Wish version of the Myers mask which is now getting depressing.

Busta Rhymes character Freddie has a production company called "Dangertainment" and will stream (poorly) on the 2002 internet the adventures of 6 college students who brave the night in the Myers old family home. Did I mention it was on Halloween night? Anyways, at one point Busta Rhymes is wearing an identical mask and jumpsuit as Michael Myers, creeping about to scare the students, completely unaware he is being stalked by the real Michael Myers. Soon he thinks it's his assistant and yells at him before Michael wanders off. A bunch of the students die.

Despite the livestream being completely blurry and awful, it still attracts an entire party's worth of youngsters watching and eventually one begins texting our main character, Sara (Bianca Kajlich), Michael's location to help her escape. The worst offenses are saved for Busta Rhymes, who apparently is a karate nut and tries to fight Myers with fancy kicks and insults. But he does shock Michael Myers in the dick with a live wire and for that we are grateful. Then everything is on fire and we have to hear Busta Rhymes say ridiculous stuff like "burn, motherfucker, burn!" and "hey mikey, happy halloween!" and "trick or treat, motherfucker" before we realize once again that Michael Myers is alive at the end.

One reviewer said "It's so devoid of joy and energy it makes even Jason X look positively Shakespearian by comparison." No wonder they had to reboot the franchise. 3 chainsaws that break down when you're trying to kill the bad guy out of 10.

Movie Review: Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

tonight's feature: Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998) on DVD
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Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later didn't come highly recommended, or at all, but I got this DVD from the library and it's been sitting here for a week or more and I felt I should finish the entire series, so here we are. Besides the awful, awful 1998 haircuts, Jamie Lee Curtis rocking the 'pointy headed lady' and Josh Hartnett (who may have fallen into a passing lawnmower), the pencil thin eyebrows of Michelle Williams and tiny wisp of a mustache on LL Cool J, the movie was boosted(?) by the inclusion of one of Creed's hottest tracks as its go-to soundtrack. I don't remember the late 90s being so annoying, but I guess I wasn't paying much attention.

Regardless, in this iteration of the franchise, Laurie Strode is living under a different name and is a successful headmistress of a private boarding school. Michael Myers, with a brand new, slightly dorkier mask, shows up and starts killing everyone. Except Laurie, who ends up stealing his 'dead' body and drives it and herself over a cliff before chopping his head off. Ending the franchise, right? Right? Ok maybe not. While the movie itself was pretty much a paint by numbers of the earlier films, once Michael shows up, I gotta admit secretly rooting for the guy. For a minute there, I thought I was watching an earlier film. I can't remember seeing more "jump scares" in a single film that this. Not bottom of the barrel (we'll get to that one next!) but it definitely should be avoided if possible. 5 Creed ballads playing over the credits out of 10.