insane dream from this morning:
for some reason there was a large and aggressive bear attacking some shopping mall area in some northern city and dave grohl decided he could tame it or calm it down. someone attached all kinds of cameras to the mall, which had large glass walls and doors. somehow the "event" was televised and as i was watching, there is dave grohl (in a flannel shirt) with taylor hawkins (i think) and they're running from this bear, who is very upset. they barely escape several times running through racks of clothes and merchandise and everyone is on the edge of their seat.
randomly, my wife decides she can help and she is in there and comes within a bear claw of getting mauled while i'm freaking out somewhere nearby. she escapes and everyone returns their attention to dave, his friend and the very angry bear.
another close call and mr grohl and friend are hiding behind a glass wall and the bear sees the pair. the home audience thinks the bear can't get to them, so they appear safe for the moment. suddenly, the bear runs full steam and crashes through the glass like a freight train. there's a massive explosion of flying glass and debris as dave grohl and friend, lying on the floor under some clothes, have nowhere to run. the bear hovers over the duo and he pulls out a gun, not to shoot the bear, to shoot himself in case they get mauled.... and of course the bear rips his skull in half in the most gruesome fashion as the gun goes off to no avail... as i wake up in a sweat.
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what the hell?
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the end.
a random collection of whatever from beyond the cosmic horizon; the psychic adventures of a rambling, gambling, heavy metal beatnik.
Friday, November 10, 2023
Saturday, October 21, 2023
Movie Review: Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015)
the horror continues... 10 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015) on DVD
Man, I tried. I watched Insidious and Insidious: Chapter 2 and they did little for me in terms of scares or storyline. I wanted to like Chapter 3 but again I am left out alone in "the further" with nothing to warm my entertainment balls but these dream warrior sequences, which always leave me feeling flat.
A prequel to the other movies, Chapter 3 finds Elise Rainier, semi-retired demonologist, trying not to get involved in evil spirit mumbo jumbo yet again. But of course that can't happen, because we've got to set up these later stories. Evil demons are attaching themselves to this girl and Elise has to jump into the netherworld or whatever to try and stop all of this. It's very dangerous and should be very frightening but it's all I can do to follow along without nodding off. I don't know, I just can't. 6 ghost moms coming to rescue you inside the dreamlike netherworld out of 10.
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tonight's feature: Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015) on DVD
Man, I tried. I watched Insidious and Insidious: Chapter 2 and they did little for me in terms of scares or storyline. I wanted to like Chapter 3 but again I am left out alone in "the further" with nothing to warm my entertainment balls but these dream warrior sequences, which always leave me feeling flat.
A prequel to the other movies, Chapter 3 finds Elise Rainier, semi-retired demonologist, trying not to get involved in evil spirit mumbo jumbo yet again. But of course that can't happen, because we've got to set up these later stories. Evil demons are attaching themselves to this girl and Elise has to jump into the netherworld or whatever to try and stop all of this. It's very dangerous and should be very frightening but it's all I can do to follow along without nodding off. I don't know, I just can't. 6 ghost moms coming to rescue you inside the dreamlike netherworld out of 10.
Friday, October 20, 2023
Movie Review: Orphan: First Kill (2022)
the horror continues... 11 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Orphan: First Kill (2022) on Prime
(SPOILERS?) Even with its own shocking plot twist, Orphan: First Kill (the prequel to 2009's Orphan) fails to live up to the mania induced by the original. I'd even go so far as to say it makes you hate the family Esther is trying to infiltrate even more than her.
See, Esther is an Estonian girl trying to pass herself off as a missing American girl, and she almost gets away with it, except the missing girl was never really missing. Sound intriguing? Well you can only have your fake formerly missing kid sister dropping an f-bomb in a Russian accent once at your party, before it starts to get to you. Also the detective suddenly has his suspicions, so he's not going to last long. Whatever, this movie is dark and violent and everybody deserves to go down for their misdeeds at some point. 7 dead rat smoothies out of 10.
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tonight's feature: Orphan: First Kill (2022) on Prime
(SPOILERS?) Even with its own shocking plot twist, Orphan: First Kill (the prequel to 2009's Orphan) fails to live up to the mania induced by the original. I'd even go so far as to say it makes you hate the family Esther is trying to infiltrate even more than her.
See, Esther is an Estonian girl trying to pass herself off as a missing American girl, and she almost gets away with it, except the missing girl was never really missing. Sound intriguing? Well you can only have your fake formerly missing kid sister dropping an f-bomb in a Russian accent once at your party, before it starts to get to you. Also the detective suddenly has his suspicions, so he's not going to last long. Whatever, this movie is dark and violent and everybody deserves to go down for their misdeeds at some point. 7 dead rat smoothies out of 10.
Thursday, October 19, 2023
Movie Review: Orphan (2009)
the horror continues... 12 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Orphan (2009) on Max
(SPOILERS?) After a very unfortunate hospital birthing room opening scene, Orphan faded into a fairly domestic film about a troublesome adopted Russian girl. A Russian girl named Esther who will do some murderin' to get her way. Esther has a diabolical plan that involves busting up the family and she nearly pulls it off.
I found the first half of the movie super boring and shaking-my-head annoying, until the big twist was revealed. Then everything flew into high gear and I was hanging on by the edge of my damn seat. I did not see that one coming. Almost flew under my radar too, I'm glad I stuck around for the shock ending. 7.5 rare hormonal disorders out of 10.
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tonight's feature: Orphan (2009) on Max
(SPOILERS?) After a very unfortunate hospital birthing room opening scene, Orphan faded into a fairly domestic film about a troublesome adopted Russian girl. A Russian girl named Esther who will do some murderin' to get her way. Esther has a diabolical plan that involves busting up the family and she nearly pulls it off.
I found the first half of the movie super boring and shaking-my-head annoying, until the big twist was revealed. Then everything flew into high gear and I was hanging on by the edge of my damn seat. I did not see that one coming. Almost flew under my radar too, I'm glad I stuck around for the shock ending. 7.5 rare hormonal disorders out of 10.
Wednesday, October 18, 2023
Movie Review: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
the horror continues... 13 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) on DVD
Bram Stoker's Dracula is a stone cold classic. Despite going over budget and having some weird segues, Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece is like The Godfather of vampire movies. You've got Gary Oldman, who was hired after Daniel Day Lewis was unavailable. Then there's 20 year old Winona Ryder, babyfaced Keanu Reeves and fan favorite Anthony Hopkins. Sure, the screenplay makes the entire thing into a love story, diverting from the plot of the novel, but some people probably liked that. "Hey, that Dracula guy ain't so bad!" Maybe that's how you got your girlfriend to go sit through a 2 hour horror flick in 1992? 10 oceans of time to find you out of 10.
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tonight's feature: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) on DVD
Bram Stoker's Dracula is a stone cold classic. Despite going over budget and having some weird segues, Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece is like The Godfather of vampire movies. You've got Gary Oldman, who was hired after Daniel Day Lewis was unavailable. Then there's 20 year old Winona Ryder, babyfaced Keanu Reeves and fan favorite Anthony Hopkins. Sure, the screenplay makes the entire thing into a love story, diverting from the plot of the novel, but some people probably liked that. "Hey, that Dracula guy ain't so bad!" Maybe that's how you got your girlfriend to go sit through a 2 hour horror flick in 1992? 10 oceans of time to find you out of 10.
Tuesday, October 17, 2023
Movie Review: The Monster (2016)
the horror continues... 14 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Monster (2016) on Max
The Monster had me wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. Not in a thoughtful, introspective way, but more like "why are you watching these terrible movies?" kind of way. Granted, I probably couldn't write a competent horror script or make a movie half as compelling as this clunky, annoying creature feature, but I'm not tossing entire film budgets down the drain either.
Basically a mother and daughter who hate the living daylights out of each other are stranded on a desolate, forest road after an accident involving a wolf. A mechanic finally arrives and we find out a strange and malicious creature is hunting them. Not exactly a cool and scary one, however, more like a beastly Gorn ala Star Trek. It seems kinda dangerous but the mom keeps escaping, for a while anyways. Some people liked this movie, but I thought it was kinda like watching a constipated cat try to poop. Whatever. 4 traumatic childhoods out of 10.
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tonight's feature: The Monster (2016) on Max
The Monster had me wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. Not in a thoughtful, introspective way, but more like "why are you watching these terrible movies?" kind of way. Granted, I probably couldn't write a competent horror script or make a movie half as compelling as this clunky, annoying creature feature, but I'm not tossing entire film budgets down the drain either.
Basically a mother and daughter who hate the living daylights out of each other are stranded on a desolate, forest road after an accident involving a wolf. A mechanic finally arrives and we find out a strange and malicious creature is hunting them. Not exactly a cool and scary one, however, more like a beastly Gorn ala Star Trek. It seems kinda dangerous but the mom keeps escaping, for a while anyways. Some people liked this movie, but I thought it was kinda like watching a constipated cat try to poop. Whatever. 4 traumatic childhoods out of 10.
Monday, October 16, 2023
Movie Review: The Clovehitch Killer (2018)
the horror continues... 15 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Clovehitch Killer (2018) on Hulu
(SPOILERS?) If you've ever wondered what your life would be like as the awkward teenage son of the BTK killer, The Clovehitch Killer is the movie for you. More mystery than horror, this coming of age movie where your dad wears a freakish lady mask, tries on lacy panties in high heels taking selfies, then kills and tortures occasionally to be able to get fully hard, is a terrifying and tension filled look into the serial killer's mind. Still not going to win any father of the year awards, I'm guessing.
The film doesn't exactly mention BTK but every minute detail about his evil techniques are represented here. Although in this fictional version, he doesn't go to prison, he ends up dead! 8 bondage photos your kid found stuffed in the seat of your dumb pickup out of 10.
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tonight's feature: The Clovehitch Killer (2018) on Hulu
(SPOILERS?) If you've ever wondered what your life would be like as the awkward teenage son of the BTK killer, The Clovehitch Killer is the movie for you. More mystery than horror, this coming of age movie where your dad wears a freakish lady mask, tries on lacy panties in high heels taking selfies, then kills and tortures occasionally to be able to get fully hard, is a terrifying and tension filled look into the serial killer's mind. Still not going to win any father of the year awards, I'm guessing.
The film doesn't exactly mention BTK but every minute detail about his evil techniques are represented here. Although in this fictional version, he doesn't go to prison, he ends up dead! 8 bondage photos your kid found stuffed in the seat of your dumb pickup out of 10.
Sunday, October 15, 2023
Movie Review: Halloween Party (2019)
the horror continues... 16 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Halloween Party (2019) on Prime
(SPOILERS?) How can the movie with literally the dumbest premise ever entertain me the most? Halloween Party sets us up for disappointment with the idea that a holiday internet meme, forwarded via email, with 8-bit pumpkins and ghosts, asks you to input your worst fear in 30 seconds or it will curse you and make that fear real? I was shaking my head... until our two protagonists realized it was REAL! And they found out there were freakish, deformed hospital patients trapped under their dorm rooms! Who were making the meme somehow? BUT WAIT! One college bro poops with the door open and dies on the shitter!
Ok, the ending was bad too, as well as the acting, plus all the college bros... oh and the dialogue. But there was some real promise in there and dammit, I was rooting for it. Maybe it reminded me of Halloween III, I don't know. Just make sure to enter your worst fear or you'll be eaten by a pig person, or mauled by a bear, or choking on a big mac. 5 vagina spiders out of 10.
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tonight's feature: Halloween Party (2019) on Prime
(SPOILERS?) How can the movie with literally the dumbest premise ever entertain me the most? Halloween Party sets us up for disappointment with the idea that a holiday internet meme, forwarded via email, with 8-bit pumpkins and ghosts, asks you to input your worst fear in 30 seconds or it will curse you and make that fear real? I was shaking my head... until our two protagonists realized it was REAL! And they found out there were freakish, deformed hospital patients trapped under their dorm rooms! Who were making the meme somehow? BUT WAIT! One college bro poops with the door open and dies on the shitter!
Ok, the ending was bad too, as well as the acting, plus all the college bros... oh and the dialogue. But there was some real promise in there and dammit, I was rooting for it. Maybe it reminded me of Halloween III, I don't know. Just make sure to enter your worst fear or you'll be eaten by a pig person, or mauled by a bear, or choking on a big mac. 5 vagina spiders out of 10.
Saturday, October 14, 2023
Movie Review: Oculus (2013)
the horror continues... 17 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Oculus (2013) on Prime
(SPOILERS?) Oculus was a decent-ish movie about an antique, evil mirror that drives people insane. Allegedly, the evil mirror has a history of its owners turning up mysteriously dead, and Kaylie (Karen Gillan, Nebula from Guardians of the Galaxy) and her recently released-from-prison brother Timbo set out to prove the evil mirror caused the death of their parents using video cameras, timers, plants and thermometers.
The film interweaves two parallel plot lines, the present and 11 years in the past, when Kaylie and Timbo were kids being terrorized by the mirror, flashing back so often that you may not be sure if you're watching a different flick, which is made worse by the evil mirror's constant hellish hallucinations. Katie Sackhoff (the Mandalorian's Bo Katan) gets seriously demented in her role as the kids tormented mom, although she could have used more screen time. Things get terrifyingly worse for the duo and the torment turns up to 11.
Ultimately though, the film ends with an unfortunate and predictable deadly "oopsie" and the evil mirror (and its ghostly inhabitants?) live on for a possible sequel, which left me making a serious debby downer face. 6 antique evil mirrors you should have smashed and dropped off at the dump out of 10.
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tonight's feature: Oculus (2013) on Prime
(SPOILERS?) Oculus was a decent-ish movie about an antique, evil mirror that drives people insane. Allegedly, the evil mirror has a history of its owners turning up mysteriously dead, and Kaylie (Karen Gillan, Nebula from Guardians of the Galaxy) and her recently released-from-prison brother Timbo set out to prove the evil mirror caused the death of their parents using video cameras, timers, plants and thermometers.
The film interweaves two parallel plot lines, the present and 11 years in the past, when Kaylie and Timbo were kids being terrorized by the mirror, flashing back so often that you may not be sure if you're watching a different flick, which is made worse by the evil mirror's constant hellish hallucinations. Katie Sackhoff (the Mandalorian's Bo Katan) gets seriously demented in her role as the kids tormented mom, although she could have used more screen time. Things get terrifyingly worse for the duo and the torment turns up to 11.
Ultimately though, the film ends with an unfortunate and predictable deadly "oopsie" and the evil mirror (and its ghostly inhabitants?) live on for a possible sequel, which left me making a serious debby downer face. 6 antique evil mirrors you should have smashed and dropped off at the dump out of 10.
Friday, October 13, 2023
Movie Review: The Devil's Backbone (2001)
the horror continues... 18 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Devil's Backbone (2001) on Prime
The Devil's Backbone is a Spanish language ghost story set in an orphanage during the Spanish civil war. Directed by Guillermo Del Toro, it tells a riveting tail of murder, betrayal and intrigue. Definitely not your standard horror movie, but epic storytelling and filmmaking of the highest order. 9 unexploded bombs in the courtyard out of 10.
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tonight's feature: The Devil's Backbone (2001) on Prime
The Devil's Backbone is a Spanish language ghost story set in an orphanage during the Spanish civil war. Directed by Guillermo Del Toro, it tells a riveting tail of murder, betrayal and intrigue. Definitely not your standard horror movie, but epic storytelling and filmmaking of the highest order. 9 unexploded bombs in the courtyard out of 10.
Thursday, October 12, 2023
Movie Review: The Lazarus Effect (2015)
the horror continues... 19 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: The Lazarus Effect (2015) on Prime
(SPOILERS?) The Lazarus Effect looked pretty good in theory, with a concept that should have delivered in spades. Instead, after what felt like a promising start, it devolved into a hot, confused mess.
So they brought back a dead dog, and it was... creepy and weird, for a little while. Then after some drama Olivia Wilde's character died and they brought her back. She was creepy and weird, and maybe crazy... and also a super powered demon? Or something. She kills everyone. The end. One of those movies you wish was only 35 minutes long. 3 syringes full of serum out of 10.
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tonight's feature: The Lazarus Effect (2015) on Prime
(SPOILERS?) The Lazarus Effect looked pretty good in theory, with a concept that should have delivered in spades. Instead, after what felt like a promising start, it devolved into a hot, confused mess.
So they brought back a dead dog, and it was... creepy and weird, for a little while. Then after some drama Olivia Wilde's character died and they brought her back. She was creepy and weird, and maybe crazy... and also a super powered demon? Or something. She kills everyone. The end. One of those movies you wish was only 35 minutes long. 3 syringes full of serum out of 10.
Wednesday, October 11, 2023
Movie Review: Drag Me to Hell (2009)
the horror continues... 20 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Drag Me to Hell (2009) on Prime
Any fan of Sam Raimi will probably tell you Drag Me to Hell is one of his best. Is it horror? or comedy-horror? or dark comedy? I can't be 100 percent sure, but I definitely don't want to be eating while watching this puke-fest. Lots of puke, gross outs and body parts going into mouths, enough to give you a serious case of heebie-jeebies. The story was ok, it reminded me of a Twilight Zone episode where someone gets cursed and spends the rest of the time trying to remove said curse, except this curse comes with an extra dose of kicking, punching and puking old ladies and corpses and evil spirits. Even if I wasn't aware of Sam Raimi this movie had plenty of scenes to remind me of The Evil Dead, which already gives it bonus points. It felt a little long in the tooth but I'd still give it 9 old lady dentures that shouldn't look so nasty out of 10.
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tonight's feature: Drag Me to Hell (2009) on Prime
Any fan of Sam Raimi will probably tell you Drag Me to Hell is one of his best. Is it horror? or comedy-horror? or dark comedy? I can't be 100 percent sure, but I definitely don't want to be eating while watching this puke-fest. Lots of puke, gross outs and body parts going into mouths, enough to give you a serious case of heebie-jeebies. The story was ok, it reminded me of a Twilight Zone episode where someone gets cursed and spends the rest of the time trying to remove said curse, except this curse comes with an extra dose of kicking, punching and puking old ladies and corpses and evil spirits. Even if I wasn't aware of Sam Raimi this movie had plenty of scenes to remind me of The Evil Dead, which already gives it bonus points. It felt a little long in the tooth but I'd still give it 9 old lady dentures that shouldn't look so nasty out of 10.
Tuesday, October 10, 2023
Movie Review: Renfield (2023)
the horror continues... 21 nights till Halloween!
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tonight's feature: Renfield (2023) on Prime
Renfield may be a corny hot take from the guy behind the Walking Dead but it's high falutin' ridiculousness, gore-splattering and ass-kicking extreme fun if you're up for it. Taking a break from more serious horror, Renfield delivers classic characters in some modern ways and gives Nicolas Cage a chance to bare his fangs as Dracula. It's not Shakespeare, but I thought it was pretty damn entertaining. 8 jugs of Dracula blood out of 10.
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tonight's feature: Renfield (2023) on Prime
Renfield may be a corny hot take from the guy behind the Walking Dead but it's high falutin' ridiculousness, gore-splattering and ass-kicking extreme fun if you're up for it. Taking a break from more serious horror, Renfield delivers classic characters in some modern ways and gives Nicolas Cage a chance to bare his fangs as Dracula. It's not Shakespeare, but I thought it was pretty damn entertaining. 8 jugs of Dracula blood out of 10.
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