Movie Review: Nightbreed Director's Cut (1990)

Halloween day 16!
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tonight's feature: Nightbreed (1990) on Shudder

I don't quite understand the love for this movie. Sure there are a lot of weird and cool characters, some great makeup and effects, and a robust bizarre premise, but the plot feels like it was determined by a roll of a 20 sided die. A little bit of "what the hell?" mixed with some "ok then." I had a hard time rooting for team monster and the "bad guys" were so buffoonish I could barely watch. Maybe if it was still 1990 and I was stuck in a dark theater I would have liked it better, but I doubt it. Something felt off to me, and while stylistically it was cool, I thought the whole thing ended up as a big letdown. My bad. 5 secret monster cities underneath a graveyard in the middle of nowhere out of 10.

Miniseries review: Stephen King's The Shining (1997)

Halloween day 15!
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tonight's feature: Stephen King's The Shining (1997 miniseries)

First off, Kubrick's version is a masterpiece. I know it doesn't stick close to the book, that's ok. Probably better than ok because this 1997 miniseries forced all the book into 273 minutes and it's chock full of unnecessary fluff and backstory. This version is only for the Stephen King completist: you get what you missed in the first movie, but also a watered down tv version that is less than scary. In fact, the only thing scary about it is how they can make such an annoying and drawn out version last for 3 full episodes. The kid actor was also annoying. Everyone in 1997 wearing those same Levis jeans is pretty annoying too. Did I mention most of the action takes place during the daytime? That seems even less frightening. If it wasn't The Shining I would have turned it off 30 minutes in. Bonus points for being filmed at the actual Stanley Hotel. 4 over-sized croquet mallets out of 10.

Movie Review: Mandrake (2022)

Halloween day 11!
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tonight's feature: Mandrake (2022)

Mandrake is a cross between a gritty psychological crime drama and dark Irish folk horror. The film works effectively as it pulls you into the sleepy little village with a terrible past.

Cathy the probation officer ends up with "Bloody" Mary Laidlaw on her client list after Mary is released from prison. She apparently murdered her husband with an axe after he caught her with another dude (the Wandering Man) out in "the moss." The entire town thinks she's a witch (and they're not exactly wrong), but once two children go missing and end up dead they're ready for revenge.

I thought they did a great job with the majority of the movie but the ending was pretty clumsy and left me laughing out loud. You're not 100% sure exactly what happens and I can't tell if that's supposed to leave the door open for a sequel or just poor decision making. 6 screaming baby mandrake roots out of 10.

Movie Review: Black Sunday (1960)

Halloween day 10!
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tonight's feature: Black Sunday (1960)

Another Mario Bava classic, Black Sunday (alternatively titled The Mask of Satan and Revenge of the Vampire) wasn't exactly a big hit upon first release in its native Italy. After subsequent releases in France and America the movie was considered a pioneering work in Italian gothic horror, setting the standards for terror, eroticism and graphic violence along with making Barbara Steele a major star in Italy.

The film begins with a vampiric witch and her lover being sentenced to death in 1630s Moldavia, putting a curse on the brother who condemned her before she dies. Two centuries later, a doctor and his buddy stumble into the tomb and accidentally start a process where the witch eventually comes back to life. Lots of murder and drama and possession and undead action ensue.

Black Sunday is pretty epic for 1960 and even gives Dracula a run for its money. Definitely a movie everyone should see at some point. 9 giant fake vampire bats out of 10.

Movie Review: A Bay of Blood (1971)

Halloween day 9!
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tonight's feature: A Bay of Blood (1971)

A Bay of Blood may be the most influential of all the early slasher films. Released in Italy in 1971 under the title Antefatto ("Before the Fact"), then later re-released as Ecologia del delitto ("Ecology of Crime"), Reazione a Catena ("Chain Reaction") and Bahia de Sangre ("Bay of Blood" in Spanish) at various times, the film was eventually released in 1972 as Carnage in the states before the name changed to Twitch of the Death Nerve, the Last House on the Left Part II, Last House Part II and also New House on the Left. Directed and co-written by the master of Italian horror, Mario Bava, the film set a new standard in violence and gore.

Basically a complex murder mystery that keeps the murders and murderers ever-changing, A Bay of Blood centers on the death of the ultra wealthy Countess Federica Donati and the many who would claim her estate. But the mystery only seems to get more confounding because everyone seems like they might have been in on it.

Graphic murder scenes aside, this movie draws you in as the characters navigate against each other. Add in the sexy 70s soundtrack with exceptional bongo action and you've got something a step up from your basic Friday the 13th (which copied greatly from this blood splattered classic). 8 billhook machetes out of 10.

Movie Review: Alone in the Dark (1982)

Halloween day 8!
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tonight's feature: Alone in the Dark (1982) on Shudder

At first glance Alone in the Dark has the hallmarks of a classic: an epic cast (including heavy hitters Jack Palance, Donald Pleasence and Martin Landau), a punk rock band called The Sick Fucks singing a song called "Chop Chop Chop up your Mother", a premise about multiple psychopaths escaping a mental institution, etc etc. But that's just about where the high expectations end. It also features a wildly uneven script and some wholly unbelievable characters and scenarios, almost like it doesn't really want to be a slasher movie.

The four psychopaths, a former prisoner of war, a pyromaniac, a child molester and a serial killer all escape when the security system fails due to a power outage. They decide to kill their new psychiatrist, picking up weapons at the mall during the blackout. After a while they turn up, more or less, at the psychiatrist's house, kill a few people and torment the family for a while before getting picked off, one by one.

It's not a terrible movie, but there's a lot of psychobabble and grating weirdness that doesn't quite feel right. The psychopaths steal a van and end up feeling more like the Scooby Doo gang than a group of terrifying murderers. A bit of a letdown considering the cast. Sure was fun to see these actors being twisted though. 6 crossbow toting Jack Palances out of 10.

Movie Review: Speak No Evil (2022)

Halloween day 7!
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tonight's feature: Speak No Evil (2022) on Shudder

My hot takes: "annoying" "an hour too long" "disturbing and frustrating"

Speak No Evil is some heady and twisted Scandanavian horror. Basically a long descent into annoyingly staying polite and quiet while someone else slowly becomes a bigger and bigger asshole with every passing moment. Also a perfect analogy of when to get up and leave the room if you're being disrespected.

On vacation in Italy, Danish couple Bjørn and Louise and their daughter Agnes meet a Dutch family: Patrick, Karin and their depressed son Abel, allegedly born without a tongue. They seem to hit it off and eventually Patrick invites the Danes to a weekend at his home in the Netherlands. Things start off weird and get weirder, darker and significantly more annoying as the Dutch couple keep pushing the boundaries of dickish behavior. Just past the point where I wrote the entire film off as "a cringey uncomfortable weekend in the Netherlands" things take a shocking turn and one couple become victims of the other.

One review I read said Speak No Evil was a "very black dramedy" and "a malevolent satire on the Nordic culture of taking good manners to the extreme" which makes some of the grating plot points more understandable. It's infuriating to watch someone not fight for their lives when their family is in danger. Maybe I don't quite get the culture references but if someone was going to hurt my wife and kid I am probably going to at least try to gouge their eyes out with whatever is handy. 7 stuffed bunnies out of 10.