Movie Review: The Matrix Resurrections (2021)

tonight's feature: The Matrix Resurrections (2021) on HBOmax

The Matrix Resurrections isn’t terrible. I mean, if you take the original Matrix script and kind-of, sort-of repeat a majority of it, but set it 60 years in the future with a ton of flashbacks, you’re going to make some Matrix fans happy. Just take some dead characters and find a way to give them new life, stick them back into a parallel plot, and boom: instant reboot. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like it, I thought it was mostly decent and it got me yearning to watch the entire series again.

Our hapless hero Thomas Anderson is back in the Matrix but he doesn’t know it. He has weird dreams and feels like he's losing his grip on reality. Kind of like watching Keanu Reeves acting, I’m never 100% sure he’s doing a good job, but… woah, is he? Anyhow, Trinity is also back in the Matrix, as Tiffany, and he kind of remembers her, he thinks, maybe. He’s now a famous video game programmer (he developed a mind blowing game called The Matrix)... a job he apparently isn’t into. He's living a shitty life and he can’t quite figure out why he hates it. Day in and day out, he takes those blue pills and sees his therapist. Until one day a woman named Bugs and a program called Morpheus realize they’ve found him, the legendary Neo, hidden under a scrambled RSI (Residual Self Image) and looking like an old man. Now they’ve got to convince him what’s happening, extract him, rescue Trinity and do a lot of punching and kicking in slow motion before a big climax. Did I mention stopping bullets and flying? That too.

Obviously, serious fans of the trilogy might be thrilled with this, it ticks off all the nostalgia boxes. Some people might be a little more critical of some of the rehashed story lines and I get it. I fell somewhere in-between and ultimately I’m ok with it. If they were trying to top the original, they failed. But if they were trying to make a passable copycat story for fans of the series that could make a few bucks, they hit somewhere left of the bullseye. 7 pink goo filled energy pods out of 10.

Movie Review: The Exorcist (1973)

tonight's feature: The Exorcist (1973) on HBOmax
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night 100 #31NightsofHalloween

Not sure what I could say about The Exorcist that hasn’t already been said. Even though I own a DVD copy, I haven’t watched it in years and it feels like a new movie when I do watch it. I can say that I will never be as scared as when I caught it at a friends house on HBO a billion years ago as a pre-tweener. It scared the living shit out of me. Now when I watch I end up laughing during the scary bits.

In case you didn’t know, 12 year old Regan admits to playing with a Ouija board by herself with a spirit named Captain Howdy. Captain Howdy actually turns out to be Pazuzu, an ancient demon ready to do some possessing, shake some beds, maybe slip in a quick murder, say all the dirty words and projectile vomit with amazing accuracy. Megan’s mom Chris can’t take any more doctors or psychiatrists telling her Regan needs more tests, so she turns to Father Karras, who doesn’t even believe in exorcisms… until Pazuzu gets under his skin with a lot of talk about his deceased mother. I totally had forgotten about these other side characters, Burke Dennings (murdered off screen) and that detective guy coming around for info on the murder.

Mostly I am amazed The Exorcist came out when it did. So much controversy surrounded the film, barely escaping an X rating, communities trying to ban it in their towns, and a theater actually convicted in a trial (that was later thrown out). Some of the reported audience reactions included fainting and nausea, with one woman claiming she miscarried during the movie. A few theaters even provided Exorcist ‘barf bags’. Another reviewer said there was so much vomit in the bathroom at the showing he attended that it was impossible to reach the sinks. Other theaters arranged for an ambulance to be on-call. Some individuals even had to be coaxed out of hiding places inside the theater after the movie ended. People were being straight-up traumatized by this movie. I know I was disturbed out of my gourd when I first saw it.

Basically The Exoricst is one of the best horror films ever made, if not THE best. 10 bullseye projectile vomit blasts out of 10.

Movie Review: Jennifer's Body (2009)

tonight's feature: Jennifer's Body (2009) on Prime
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night 99 #31NightsofHalloween

(SPOILERS) Jennifer’s Body has that angry teenage energy and doesn’t care what you think about it. That leaves me halfway between loving it and telling it to be home before 10pm or else. On the one hand, it’s a crafty, entertaining story about two best friends after one of them becomes possessed by a demon. On the other, it’s riddled with some cringe-worthy dialogue. Jennifer and Needy, best friends since childhood, head to see a touring band play their podunk dive bar. Jennifer being the high school hottie and Needy her nerdy friend, they interact with the band before the show starts. After they narrowly escape a fire, the band takes Jennifer off to the woods to do a ritual sacrifice to make their band popular, assuming she’s a virgin. Instead, she becomes a blood-hungry succubus.

Lots of entertainment value here. Jennifer's Body was also a big kickstart to the careers of several cast members. I just wish i was 17 years old while I was watching. 7 high school snappy retorts out of 10.

Movie Review: Soylent Green (1973)

tonight's feature: Soylent Green (1973) on Blu-ray
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night 98 #31NightsofHalloween

Soylent Green was pretty dang lame for being such a storied classic. Granted, I went 50 years without watching this movie since I already knew the ending. SPOILER: it’s people!

The year is 2022, the city is New York City. The oceans are exhausted and the climate is one heatwave after heatwave. Everyone is sweating all the time, unless they live in one of those fancy high rise apartments. There is hardly any food left, and definitely no meat unless you’re rich. Then suddenly a bigwig from the Soylent corporation is murdered and detective Thorn is on the case, but only after he pilfered the apartment of food, booze, soap and some giant books for his old roommate Sol. Later he comes back to make sweet love to the ‘furniture’, the attractive, apartment-live-in, 21 year old concubine named Shirl. But it turns out the books he gave to Sol set in motion a chain of events: Sol turns the books in to the ‘Supreme Exchange’ and they determine the oceans can’t even produce the plankton used for Soylent Green anymore, and it’s … MADE OUT OF PEOPLE… so Sol decides to kill himself via assisted suicide (naturally). Thorn tries to stop him, but it’s too late. Sol tells Thorn on his deathbed the dirty secret and now Thorn must find the “proof”.

Thorn rides into the Soylent factory on the top of a human body dump truck, sees some bodies being dumped, gets chased, ends up on a conveyor belt full of Soylent Green wafers, escapes and then gets chased again before declaring “SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!” after which, the credits roll. So beyond seeing bodys and the green wafers in the same factory, he doesn’t really have much proof to speak of.

My other big beef with the film (pun intended) is the point where Thorn tells Sol he’s never had beef stew. Except the film is set in 2022 and Thorn is roughly 49 years old at the time of filming, which would make him born in 1972 or something? So you’re telling me he never had beef stew even though he grew up in the 70s? Doubtful. Should have set the movie in 2062. Overall I will admit it’s a can't-live-without-it classic, so save your angry responses. But maybe it could use a more dynamic remake. 7 stalks of rare celery out of 10.

Movie Review: Tumbbad (2018)

tonight's feature: Tumbbad (2018) on Prime
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night 97 #31NightsofHalloween

Tumbbad is a Hindi horror-fantasy film set in 19th century India, telling the tale of one man’s quest for the hidden treasure deep under a well inside an old decrepit mansion.

As a young boy, Vinayak hears about the treasure under lord Sarkar’s mansion. His mother, a mistress of lord Sarkar, has to feed Sarkar’s elderly and grotesque grandmother nightly as she sleeps. If she wakes up, she’ll try to eat you or worse. When his brother and lord Sarkar die, his mother makes him promise to never return to Tumbbad and they leave for Pune. After growing up, he returns anyway to visit his great-grandmother, who has become an immortal monster with a tree growing out of her chest. She promises to tell him how to find the treasure if he ends her suffering.

Eventually he starts showing up in town with gold pieces and over time he becomes wealthy. He sells his gold pieces to an opium dealer and ends up traveling every so often back to Tumbbad to return with more gold. After a while his opium dealer starts getting curious and ends up going to the mansion himself to find some of the treasure. What he doesn’t know, the cursed god Hastar resides inside the womb of the goddess under the mansion to guard the treasure. Without knowing what he is doing, Hastar attacks him and he himself becomes a monster embedded in the wall of the well / womb.

Years later, Vinayak decides to teach his son Pandurang his secret of how to trick Hastar, swiping at his loincloth and picking up the coins while Hastar is distracted. His son comes up with a plan to steal the entire loincloth but that plan goes horribly wrong as the film comes to it’s terrifying climax.

A lot of stuff to digest in Tumbbad, but an epic story that's well worth it. 9 doughy dolls out of 10.

Movie Review: Edge of the Knife (2018)

tonight's feature: Edge of the Knife (2018) on Shudder
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night 96 #31NightsofHalloween

Edge of the Knife is a 2018 Canadian film about a Haida family and one member estranged in the wilderness who becomes the Gaagiixiid, “the wildman”. This is the first feature film ever to be spoken only in the Haida language, and it shows. Much like the native language, the movie is careful and ponderous with the story.

Set in the 19th century among the scenic landscape of Haida Gwaii, also known as the Queen Charlotte Islands, Adiitsʹii and Kwa prepare for the winter. On the morning before Kwa and family are to head south, Adiitsʹii takes Kwa’s son out to search for black cod. Unfortunately there is some kind of accident, Gaas dies and Adiitsʹii takes off into the wild. The remaining film is one man in a grass skirt trying to survive the harsh winter with no fire or weapons, until the family returns and realizes he is still alive and must be dealt with.

A captivating story of survival and betrayal, no doubt, but somehow I ended up mistaking it for a horror film, which it most decidedly is not. 7 sea urchin spikes in your face out of 10.

Movie Review: I See You (2019)

tonight's feature: I See You (2019) on Prime
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night 95 #31NightsofHalloween

I See You was proof yet again that solid writing can make or break a film. In this movie, what started out as one thing, swiftly became another and yet another thing over the course of 90-some minutes of shifting perspectives with pretty spectacular results.

Greg Harper and his wife Jackie are on the outs, and he’s just been named lead investigator on a case of a missing local boy. Strange occurrences start to add up and Jackie seems to think it’s their conflicted son Conner acting out. But the truth is much more complicated and sinister, and the movie shifts narratives to devastating effect. Unfortunately I can't reveal much more without ruining this epic story.

It’s been a while since I’ve been that surprised at a few movie twists and I just want them all to be that good. 9 green pocketknives out of 10.

Movie Review: We Are What We Are (2013)

tonight's feature: We Are What We Are (2013) on Shudder
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night 94 #31NightsofHalloween

(SPOILERS) We Are What We Are is a remake of a 2010 Mexican film, which was a stand alone sequel to the 1993 film Cronos, but after reading the synopsis, I can’t understand how or why, since that was ostensibly a vampire movie. This film focuses on a deeply religious hillbilly family with a nasty and perplexing secret: they eat people. I can’t really comprehend exactly why they do either, and it seems like only the Dad knows: something something religion.

The mom dies right in the beginning of the movie and now the oldest girl is responsible for the cooking. Eventually local physician Doc Barrow (who’s own girl went missing) finds some bones and starts getting curious to what’s going on over there in the crazy hillbilly house. Some people get kidnapped, some people get killed, some people get served for dinner, until things catch up with his family of weirdos.

Ultimately, We Are What We Are is a well done film that’s just suspenseful enough to keep you guessing the entire time, even if the shock ending leaves you scratching your head. Allegedly they’re planning a prequel AND a sequel, so bring your favorite seasonings. 7 old bones in the river out of 10.

Movie Review: The Queen of Black Magic (2019)

tonight's feature: The Queen of Black Magic (2019) on Shudderc .

night 93 #31NightsofHalloween

The Queen of Black Magic is an insane ride into the evil past of an Indonesian orphanage with what feels like 80 characters, a lot of blood, bugs and witchy torture porn. Joko Anwar (Impetigore, Satan’s Slaves) wrote this modern take on the 1981 Indonesian horror classic of the same name, and while it’s certainly a well done film, it gets a bit long in the tooth for my tastes.

Fully grown up Hanif returns with his wife and children to the orphanage where he was raised, meeting up with his two orphanage buddies, their significant others, the orphanage staff, and a few of the resident kids... where they all intend to pay their respects to the elderly and dying caretaker, Mr. Bandi. Hanif appears to hit a deer with his car on the way, but that is quickly forgotten and everyone meets and reminisces and seems to enjoy themselves. Especially Hanif’s son Haqi, who is interested on hearing more about the legend of Ms. Mirah, who allegedly murdered one of the girls and went insane after being locked up in a room as punishment. But obviously things are not what they seem, and of course things go terribly awry in the most peculiar and ghastly ways, some of which adds to the jumble of confusion with so many characters and such a slow rollout of the horrific backstory.

Overall, The Queen of Black Magic is still a solid flick with some gnarly scenes and certified heebie jeebies. 7.5 centipedes down the throat out of 10.

Movie Review: Caveat (2020)

tonight's feature: Caveat (2020) on Shudder
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night 92 #31NightsofHalloween

Caveat wastes no time at all getting to the WTF premise: “You may have amnesia and just got out of the hospital. I’m maybe your only friend. Come watch my schizophrenic, often catatonic, crossbow-wielding niece Olga in her terrifying and dilapidated house on a small island. Um, also while you're locked firmly in a harness attached to a chain so you’re absolutely trapped when you realize there are dead bodies lying around.”

Maybe one of the weirdest movies I’ve seen in a while. I don’t know how the niece or the family dog survive out there, as no one ever seems to eat any food (or go to the bathroom for that matter). Regardless, this isn’t a movie for people who enjoy a lot of logical plot action or anyone easily annoyed with astoundingly bad choices. 9 demonic drumming rabbits out of 10.

Movie Review: Madres (2021)

tonight's feature: Madres (2021) on Prime
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night 91 #31NightsofHalloween

Madres is a pretty average horror flick that is really a vehicle to tell the true story of forced sterilizations of immigrant women in the 1970s (and beyond). Granted, a lot of people will become aware of this terrible bit of racist American history but it sure doesn’t make the horror movie any better. I’ll give them points for trying, I guess. 7 witchy eyeballs hanging from your tree out of 10.

Movie Review: Killing Ground (2016)

tonight's feature: Killing Ground (2016) on Prime
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night 90 #31NightsofHalloween

Killing Ground was a brutal and unnerving story about murders in Australia, when you’re just a regular family just trying to camp for a weekend. The kind of disturbing tale that will make you never leave home without multiple weapons. A very well done film that I would only recommend to fans of intense horror, graphic violence and torture porn. 7 wild pigs out of 10.

Movie Review: The House That Jack Built (2018)

tonight's feature: The House That Jack Built (2018) on Prime
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night 89 #31NightsofHalloween

The House That Jack Built is an annoying look at a serial killer with OCD who is convinced he’s some kind of brilliant artist. I personally don’t enjoy watching animals (or people) being tortured, and I didn’t really much care for 99% of this film. It feels like a fun filled romp through the mind of a psychopath where he’s gleefully enjoying all his murders as he recounts them. Remarkably, the film managed to still become tiresome and winded existential dreck until the surprise ending catches you off guard.

Filmmaker Lars von Trier is considered a “renegade visionary” and the film “masterfully provocative.” But I have to say much of this film, in its strange way, glorifies the serial killing and that unflinching lack of empathy that the character seems to be so proud of. We get to listen to him ramble at length about the human condition, and how it relates to hunting or the making of wine, blah blah blah. This is the kind of film that I expect a serial killer would really enjoy. von Trier tried to explain that The House That Jack Built "celebrates the idea that life is evil and soulless,” but I wonder if that’s just von Trier’s own perception from the bottom of his own depression, or some indignant view of humanity that making another shocking movie would expose.

I would rather have watched an entire movie where the two main characters, Jack and Verge (a nod to the Roman poet Virgil) were conversing on their descent through hell, instead of just the last five minutes. The ending bit was much more interesting than the rest of the ultimately banal, horrific murders. I guess over 100 audience members walked out during the film’s premiere at Cannes and I can’t blame them. The film is so uncomfortable and unrepentant you forget that you’re supposed to be terrified. You’re SUPPOSED to feel terrible (unless you’re into this, which means you’re some kind of psycho). Of course the same premiere had the remaining audience give a standing ovation for 10 minutes after, go figure. The House That Jack Built was a well made film with some brilliant bits of acting, but 2018's "most extreme and controversial" horror film gets 5 frozen pizzas and corpses out of 10 from me.

Movie Review: Pontypool (2008)

tonight's feature: Pontypool (2008) on Prime
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night 88 #31NightsofHalloween

Pontypool was one of the most unique zombie movies I’ve seen, coming straight out of left field. What it lacked in zombie action, it more than makes up for in the conceptual department. Radio DJ Grant Mazzy and his small radio crew are stuck inside the studio when some strange virus breaks out. But this isn’t your typical zombie virus. 9 words infecting the mind out of 10.

Movie Review: I Trapped the Devil (2019)

tonight's feature: I Trapped the Devil (2019) on Prime
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night 87 #31NightsofHalloween

I Trapped the Devil is 82 minutes long, but probably 70 of those minutes are you waiting for something else to happen. I’m not complaining, exactly, the movie is extremely well done and the suspense is so thick you could only cut through it with a machete. But at some point you realize they’re dragging it out. Painfully so. Then it occurs to you that if the ending isn’t absolutely killer you’re going to be sad and shitty.

Possible psychosis victim and general loner Steve gets a visit from his brother Matt and sister-in-law Karen around Christmas. He tells them they can’t stay but they don’t realize he actually has the devil trapped in his basement. He begs them to just believe him. They refuse to leave or believe. Now they all have a problem, they think Steve may be dangerous and Steve knows it’s only a matter of time before they end up letting the devil out of the basement. This shit is going to get deep and weird so you should probably put on your WTF pants.

By the time you get to the ending, your nerves will be a little shot. My wife wasn’t exactly impressed and googled the ending before we got to it. I thought it was decent, but not amazing. Definitely could have been much worse. An emotionally oppressive film, 8 layers of newspaper clippings covering your attic out of 10.